Muscle Shoals High School

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Mike Thomas

Pizza Delivery

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I

called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay

me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was

carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other,

which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the

check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound

accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "Not bad for just a walk from the

living room and back!"

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Mike Thomas

Rank Has Its Privileges

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is

shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to

throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,

embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy

continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the

uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking

forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an

upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken

General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers

something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's

hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As

the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of

the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you

what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed

him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and

explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out

the plane door, on any flight I choose."

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Mike Thomas

Senior Citizen Discount

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell

said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes

and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having

already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back

out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the

Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to

me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen

discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the

sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only

$4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere

child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering

what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the

truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back

inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting

with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled

it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to

rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a

man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key

into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked

my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear

view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view

mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in

the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the

floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the

alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my

life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my

stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I

reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode

back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood,

draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think

was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in

here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help

me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply

for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and

suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get

my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His

mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by

mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly

apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does

stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a

40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And

no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this

fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down

the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300

speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and

covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

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Mike Thomas

In Hot Pursuit

Two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of

a Camaro heading east toward Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper

pulled over immediately. The rookie trooper pulled over

right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the sarge. "He's in Georgia now.

They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

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Mike Thomas

Hammer

During a home renovation, my grandfather was watching me

drive in nails.

"You hammer like lightning," he said.

"Really?" I replied, flattered.

"You never strike the same place twice."

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Mike Thomas

Groaner: The New Russia

With the break-up of the Soviet Union and the upheavals in

Russia leading to new-found openness, some members of the

government decided to break with tradition and clean up some

of the memorials and exhibits around Red Square.

When they opened the Lenin mausoleum for the first time,

they found him caked with filth from years of public

display, and it was extremely odoriferous.

This action caused such a stir among the citizenry that some

well-intentioned Russians found themselves kicked out of

office. It goes to show that even with the new freedom in

Russia, you can't air your dirty Lenin in public.

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Mike Thomas

Highest Number

Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday,

my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever

counted up to was.

I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has

counted.

"5,372," came the prompt reply.

"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"

"The sermon was over."

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Mike Thomas

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Mike Thomas

Groaners: Three Prayers

1. Here's one direct from my son who at four years old had

started attending a Christian daycare. The evening of his

third day there, he insisted on saying "grace" at dinner.

This was his prayer:

"Gone is great! Gone is good!

Let us spank him for our food.

Amen."

(By Kas Healy)

2. One particular four-year-old prayed:

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who

put trash in our baskets."

3. A teacher was drilling his young students on the

Westminster Confession of Faith. The first question in the

catechism is "What is the chief end of man?" The answer: "To

glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

One youngster seemed quite sure of himself as he anxiously

waved his hand for recognition.

When the teacher called his name, he proudly blurted out,

"The chief end of man is to glorify God and annoy Him

forever!"

He was possibly more right than we'd care to admit!

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Mike Thomas

CDC Alert

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

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Mike Thomas

Tofu Recipies

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store

and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she

did with the tofu in her basket.

She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at

it for several weeks and then throws it away.

The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it.

I was hoping you had a better recipe."

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Mike Thomas

A woman was out golfing one  day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for  it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from  this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman  freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that  there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your  husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her  first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The  frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband  the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful  woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most  beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the  richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will  make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times  richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is  his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the  richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third  wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart  attack."


Moral of  the story: Women are clever.. Don't mess with  them.

Attention female  readers : This is the end of the  joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man  had a heart attack ten times milder than his  wife.

Moral of the  story: Women are not really  smart, they just think they are. Let them continue to  think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes  to show that women never listen!!!

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Mike Thomas

Why females  should avoid a girls' night out after they are  married....If this does not make you laugh  out loud, you have lost your sense of  humor.
 
 

The other  night I was invited out for a night with the  'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home  by midnight, 'I promise!'

          
      Well, the  hours passed and the margaritas went down way  too  easily.


Around 3  a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for  home..

Just as I got in the door, the  cuckoo clock in the hallway started  up and  cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly,  realizing my husband would probably wake up, I  cuckooed another
9 times.

I was  really proud of myself for coming up with such a  quick-witted solution,  in order to escape a possible conflict with  him.

(Even  when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos  totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)



The next  morning my husband asked me what time I got in,  I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the  least.

Whew,  I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need  a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him  why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock  cuckooed three  times, then said 'oh s!@$.' Cuckooed 4 more  times, cleared its
throat,  cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed  twice more, and then tripped over the coffee  table and  farted.

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Mike Thomas

I loved this and want to share it with you..

Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character? How can I get along with them all? I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me.

With one of them I am polite. I joke with another friend.

I sit down and talk about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I may have a coke with one. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's advice for me. My friends are all like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends! They are my friends who understand me better than myself, who support me through good days and bad days. We all pray together and for each other.

Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr. Oz calls them Vitamins F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our well being. Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression and terminal strokes. If you enjoy Vitamins F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.

I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamins F!

In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together, and pray for each other in the tough moments.

Thank you for being one of my Vitamins!

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Mike Thomas

9 months later!!! 

 

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.?  

?

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him? a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do your emember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,

'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

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Mike Thomas

Growing Boy

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson was constantly

hungry. I went to the refrigerator to find something he

might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk

and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili.

I called out to him excitedly. He came running into the

kitchen. "Look! I found some chili."

Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised,

I'm not really sure I want it."

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Mike Thomas

Flight School

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.

During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to

discuss the concept of sublimation (when a material changes

directly from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid). He

gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a

plane's windshield to form ice.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the

instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of

something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was

expecting "dry ice" as the answer.

One of the students blurted out, "Burritos."

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Mike Thomas

In church on Sunday I overheard this little old lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

Dear Lord, These past couple of years have been tough....
You have taken my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze,
my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
my favorite Cowboy James Arness,
my favorite athlete Bob Feller,
my favorite singer Lena Horne and
my favorite salesman Billy Mays.
I just wanted you to know that my
favorite president is Barack Obama.
Amen.

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Mike Thomas

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Mike Thomas

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.



My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.



As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.

Thank you for

the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us some ice cream for dessert.  And liberty and justice for all!  Amen!"



Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman

remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.  Kids today don't

even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"



Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it

wrong? Is God mad at me?"



As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was

certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.



He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought

that was a great prayer."



"Really?" my grand-son asked. 



"Cross my heart," the man replied.



Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had

started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice

cream.  A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."



Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at  the end of the

meal.  My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. 



He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front

of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. 

Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."

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Mike Thomas

Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month.
The day after she passed away my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.
She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so, and she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog?
She died yesterday and is with you in heaven.
I miss her very much. I 'm happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her.
She likes to swim and play with balls.
I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.
Love, Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey & Meredith , addressed it to God/Heaven.
We put our return address on it.
Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope cause she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven.

That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.

A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.
Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.'
Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help and I recognized her right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore.
Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart.
Abbey loved being your dog.

Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in so I'm sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me.
What a wonderful mother you have.
I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.
By the way, I'm easy to find. I am wherever there is love.
Love,

God

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Mike Thomas

Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a

workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors

did."

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Mike Thomas

 An elderly  gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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Mike Thomas

Hi Bob,

I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. 
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes 
out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came 
home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties 
out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the
outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Thanks,

Tom

Angela Bentley Harrison

HELLO!Most of us lost being in touch on this site.My up date is I am a widow of 8years.My daughter Andrea just gave me my first grandson on Dec.1st.He is so sweet.We were bless to have Aunt Tina with us during the birth.He is now 2months old.My other daughter Jennifer is married to a great guy his name is Matt.They have been married 2years plus.I love my girls!And am blessed to have such great friends.