Comments:
After high school I joined a gypsy circus. After many years of traveling the Romanian hinterlands I was recruited by the CIA as an undercover associate operative and went deep undercover as a sheep dung grader in Berat Albania. It was there that I was brutally disfigured by a pot-bellied lamp polisher named Greggio, which ended my career in the spy-trade. After this I moved to Nepal in order to hide my disfigurement under warm clothing, but left after only a few months due to a domestic misunderstanding with a slight misappropriation of livestock.
After that I joined the Xenophontos monastery in Greece and learned to sort sand. This lasted several years until the monks could no longer tolerate my inability to stop touching myself during vespers. Upon leaving the monastery I began running guns and pop rocks candy to SSA (Shan State Army) in Burma. It was during this time I fell in love with the Pwa Ka Nyaw Po people and I was adopted into the Padaung tribe. Tribal life was idyllic, spent mostly weaving reed mats and training in the local militia. Local customs were very interesting. I took 19 wives in 4 weeks and on the 5 week built a raft and fled the region, people and my wives that had turned into a lunatic mob hell-bent on lashing me with a fistful of electric eels.
During the next 27 months I drifted on my raft stopping occasionally to see if anyone recognized me as well as barter pop rocks with the locals for food. Eventually I drifted into the South China Sea where my fate became entangled with three enormous forces in my life; a typhoon, a Mako shark I named Dude; and my future wife which had already been named Alpha.
