Random Thoughts

• Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils...

   

• Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped...

• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

• Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too and the good ones have no strings attached, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected...

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof...

• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world...

• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough...

• A word to the wise isn't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice...

• Are people who are afraid of Santa Claus, Claustrophobic...

• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter...

• It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility...

• English lesson; Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent...

• Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...

• USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population...

• All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand...

• Constipated People Don't Give A crap...

• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society...

• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you...

• I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?...

• There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that...

• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps...

• If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either...

• I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb...

• Keyboard not found. Press < F1 > to RESUME...

• If I were you, I wouldn't believe the message I just read...

• Hay is for horses, cows eat grass, they don't complain, so what's up your...

• Who died and put you in charge...

• If I walked a mile in your shoes, I would not be near you, and my feet would stink...

• I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a sheet I slit, I sit... bet cha' can't say it fast...

• If opposites attract, and you can't stand me, we must be just alike...

• Without love, there is no hate. So you must really love the ones you hate the most...

• If I bought one at 50% off the suggested retail price but 10% more than the every day price, just how much did I save?...

• If you said 60%, (or 40%) ask the person to your left to slap you as hard as they can...
  twice...

• John Wayne would be so proud... just to shoot you...

• I went to a liquidation sale and didn't buy anything, because it was all wet...

• Did you go to college to learn to be so self centered, or do you come by it naturally?...

• It's funny how you ignore the ones who care the most about you, suck up to the ones who don't matter, and adore the ones who can't stand you...

• If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I would have about a buck fifty by now...

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  You would have to be tutored for 2 years just to be retarded, shut up...

• She don't have any secrets, but there are a few things she has refused to tell you about, like John, Mike, Richard, Alex, Byron, Tyrone, you understand now right...

• Your teenager is not sexually active, she will not quit texting long enough...

• By presidential decree; Oral 'sex' is not sex, therefor your teen is not sexually active in the words of President Bill Clinton "I did not have sex..."...

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