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Tom Chavez
Excerpts from Dave Barry’s Year in Review 2020
January
The year began in January with all of Washington DC, as well as parts of Virginia and Maryland, gripped by the the impeachment of Donald Trump. Remember that?
Meanwhile in other political news, all eyes are on Iowa as it prepares for the caucuses. This year, in an effort to modernize the caucuses, the Iowa Democratic Party has upgraded to a modern, state-of-the-art “app” based on the same software used in the Boeing 737 Max airliner.
In international news, the big story is a U.S. targeted drone strike, ordered by Trump, which kills Iranian military leader Qasem Soleimani. Iran responds — this is a good indicator of what kind of year it will be — by shooting down a Ukrainian airliner.
Elsewhere abroad, Chinese news media report that a man in a city named “Wuhan” died of a mysterious virus. This is not considered a big deal in the United States, since it has nothing to do with either impeachment or the Iowa caucuses.
A much bigger international story concerns Prince Harry and Meghan, who announce that they are sick and tired of being part of the British royal family. This plunges Great Britain into the greatest crisis since “Brexit.” The crisis ends when, after a “frank and heartfelt” royal summit with Queen Elizabeth II, Harry and Meghan are beheaded.
In sports, Major League Baseball is rocked by a report that the Houston Astros engaged in an elaborate multiyear cheating scheme, which enabled the team to win the 2017 World Series and six congressional seats in the 2018 midterms. The league — sending a clear message to would-be cheaters — rules that all players involved will continue to play baseball in exchange for enormous sums of money.
February
Gripped by the impeachment trial of President Trump, Democratic prosecutors argue that Trump illegally pressured Ukrainian leaders to benefit himself politically, while the Republican defense team, employing an alibi strategy, claims that Trump was playing golf at the time.
Iowa Democratic Party officials sense that there may be a problem with their new “app” when it declares that the winner of the state’s caucuses is Walter Mondale, followed by the Houston Astros.
Things go more smoothly for the Democrats in the New Hampshire primary and Nevada caucuses, with Bernie Sanders emerging as the clear front-runner, which only seems to make him angrier.
Despite these exciting political developments, the No. 1 concern of the American public, based on the passionate Internet debate it generates, is the burning issue of whether it is, or is not, okay to recline your airplane seat.
Remember? Those were good times.
And then, unfortunately, comes …
Marpril
… which starts off calmly enough, as the Democratic Party, desperate to find an alternative to 132-year-old White guy Bernie Sanders, settles on 132-year-old White guy Joe Biden, who cruises to victory after replacing “No Malarkey” with a bold new campaign slogan: “Somewhat Alert at Times.”
Biden is endorsed by most of his Democratic opponents, including “Mike” Bloomberg, who spent more than $500 million on his campaign, which seems like a lot until you consider that he won the American Samoa caucuses, narrowly edging out Tulsi Gabbard, who spent $13.50.
And then, sprinkled in amid all the political coverage, we begin to see reports that this coronavirus thing might be worse than we have been led to believe…
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