| 10/23/08 04:35 AM |
#10
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Scott Nolen
Since Billy just left, I'm reposting my article about Eric(a)....
Sex Change Causes Spinning Wheels to Roll Forward
AP – Festus, MO A local skating rink owner has announced today that he plans to open a second location in the Twin City area after striking deal with former Festus High graduate, Erica Cohoon. Erica, formerly Eric, recently announced that he had undergone an experimental operation known as an “addtitstomy” which has resulted in what amounts to a gender change. “I just wasn’t happy,” said Erica. “And I used to take it out on the girls at school.” Apparently Erica was the source of several pranks that have recently come to light. “I hated not being a girl so much that I used to try to make them feel as badly as I did,” (s)he said. “I’d go up to them and ask them if they’d like to skate, they would say ‘sure’ or ‘yes’, and I’d say ‘go ahead’”, (s)he admitted.
Several of the female students have come forward as victims of this prank. Tracy Graff, a classmate of Eric(a), was first to step forward. “Look, I love a good prank as much as anyone,” she said. “In fact, I am a huge Three Stooges fan (not referring to Nolen, Pacino, and Evans), but he took it too far!” Apparently, Graff had been exposed to another cruel prank that we’re looking further into that involves kissing a very good friend and laughing hysterically afterwards. “That kiss messed me up.” “I though Eric(a) was trying to help me through a rough time and I was wrong!”, she said. “I threw a big party where some people almost died, and it reset reality for me.” “I’m good now, do you need a place to sleep?” she said.
Terri Williams, also a victim of this prank, said, “yeah, I remember it, but I wasn’t mad.” “I was doing him a favor,” she said. “I really wanted to skate with Robbie (referring to her current husband, Rob Pryor, who may have also been a victim, but has yet to say a word). “I think Rob is mute on the Forum because he fears the same humiliation that he felt when asked by Eric(a) to skate.” A lawsuit may be pending.
Sherri Polk, another victim of this prank had a different take on the situation. “Like Terri, I never got mad at Eric(a) for pulling this prank,” she said. “I once overheard Eric(a) call National Supermarkets and ask if they had Chef Boy-R-Dee in a 16 oz. can.” When the store clerk would say “yes”, (s)he’d respond with “you better let him out or he’s going to suffocate!” “I knew then that not only did he suffer from gender identity issues, but he was a pastaholic as well.”
There are hundreds of stories similar to this, which has led to the creation of Women Against Skating Pranks Society, or WASPS. Graff, the current president, says that the group was created when she was in 9th grade. “A bunch of the girls were talking after gym class,” she said. “Gina Blow was sitting on the bench, crying.” “I went over to her to let her know that showering in front of us was no big deal,” Graff said. “That’s when she broke down and told us what happened.” Soon after the admission, the entire gym class was crying, apparently victims of the same scheme. “Once we all realized that we were in this together, we formed WASPS because we wanted to take the ‘sting’ out of Eric(a)’s prank, and any other prank executed at Spinning Wheels!” said Williams, secretary of the group.
WASPS newest member, Eric(a), has agreed to perform several charity skates to help repent for past sins. “I’m going to be at every Friday and Saturday skate for the next two years, including All Night Skates,” (s)he said. “That way, anyone can come up to ME and ask ME to skate and tell ME to go ahead.” “It’s the only way I can experience the magnitude of what I did,” (s)he said. “Us girls have to stick together!”
There is already a waiting list for this Friday’s skating session. Apparently, this announcement comes close to the 20th reunion for Eric(a)’s class and there are going to be several people in town. Spinning Wheels may not be able to hold all of the attendees, which has prompted it’s current owner to look for more space. Stu Pidassoll, who asked us not to say his name fast, met with local realtors to begin scouting properties suitable for a second skating rink. “We’re in negotiations with the folks at ‘Caveland’ to purchase the property,” he said. When asked about the recent turn of events, he said, “I normally look forward to the kids coming in.” “I love kids!” “But, money is money, and the more money you have, the more you can do to lure, (cough) I mean entice kids to your establishment,” he said. “Sure, I’m going to have to put off the ‘Hawaiian swim in your shortie shorts’ skate for 8-14 year olds, but when you’re going to make cash like I’m going to make, it’s worth it in the end.”
WASPS says that victories like this make all of the hard work and effort worth while. They have announced that they are considering letting in a new member, Mrs. Swift who wants the group to go after classroom pranks as well. President Graff has stated, “we didn’t know that she wanted to go after classroom pranks also, we were pretty distracted by the Iced Tea, Vodka, and Tic-Tack smell that lingered in the room.” “Based on my past, I’d have to say that we’re putting that idea on the ‘wacky wall-walker board’ for a while.” Stay tuned to this location for announcements of future WASPS events.
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