| 01/30/09 11:25 PM |
#1929
|
|
Scott Nolen
Haven't done one in a while, not my best work. For those who'll comment about how much time I waste, this took 15 mintues. Just came to me.....
CSI Turning to Local High School Class for Help
AP – Festus, MO Many people felt that the Festus High Class of 1988 would never amount to much more that a bunch of degenerates throwing wacky wall walkers on the Gong Show. They couldn’t have been more wrong. After several former students went into “hiding”, the Class of 1988 has managed to find most of them. First there was Alan Jennings, then Theresa Smith, and most recently, there is Jennifer (who prefers Jen) Woods. All three had managed to escape the clutches of what would eventually become the Class of 1988 by moving to other school districts for different “reasons”.
Alan Jennings managed to conjure up a story about getting into trouble and being sent off to Military School, stealing from a long running Hollywood cliché. It turns out that he had actually joined a gang of bikers known as “The Camel Toes” based in St. Louis. We tried to contact the local chapter of “The Camel Toes” but they were unavailable for comment. “Hell, I would have done anything to get away from those dorks,” said Jennings. “I just couldn’t relate to a bunch of kids who didn’t know what ‘cool’ was.” When asked for more details, Jennings just said, “Most of those people didn’t know that cool chicks dig bad boys.” “That’s why my wife fell in love with me,” he said. The class of 1988 agrees. “Jennings definitely married above his ability,” said Scott Nolen. “I met her just before our 20th reunion and I was shocked.” “She was great,” he said. It seems that most people agreed based on the posts just after the event. As far as being found, Jennings said, “I don’t know how they do it!!” “One day, I’m sitting at work having a normal day, the next thing I know, some guy is on the phone talking about a TV.” That guy turned out to be Scott Pacino.
Scott Pacino who is a former student that didn’t graduate with the class, pranked Jennings in an attempt to lure him back into the mix of the Class of 1988. Apparently, Scott Pacino, who desperately wanted to come back, said “Hey, I went to Parkway, had no friends, and tried a short stint as a gay man.” “When that didn’t work, I decided to work my butt off to get back into their good graces,” Pacino said. “I kissed more than half the class and they hated me for it, I was too advanced,” he said. Pacino has had a part in connecting with many others.
Theresa Smith went to Festus for a short stint. The Class of 1988 managed to find her with information obtained from Gina Blow by Pacino. Smith had left before getting to High School. “It was the happiest day of my life,” she said. “Except for Scott Nolen and Blow, I was surrounded by dorks and dweebs!” Nolen, mentioned earlier, was a student at Festus High from 4th grade on unlike Blow who went from K-12. “Nolen understood me,” Smith said. “He was sooooo cute.” Blow was a friend of Smith’s from day one. “I have pictures of us from Kindergarten on,” said Blow. “She’s just like my son, always stayed up well past our bedtime, sometimes all night!” Nolen said, “Yeah, Smith was great.” “But she didn’t play Baseball and that was that.” The class of 1988 had managed to locate Smith and coerce her into attending the reunion last November. “I haven’t seen that many retards in one place since I volunteered to help the Special Olympics!” she said.
More recently, the class has managed to find Jennifer (Jen) Woods who left the class around the time that Smith left. Again, Pacino had a prominent role in finding Woods who had changed her name from Jennifer to Jen in attempt to throw everyone off of her trail. “It worked for a while, but somehow they found me!” said Woods. “I figured that living in Nashville, under the name of ‘Jen’ would have done it.” “They weren’t that bright”, she said. “I don’t remember much, but therapy is helping bring it back.” When asked about her younger years, all she had to say was, “It was happy until the hypnosis brought back memories of kissing Pacino!” “I vomited for 2 days and cried for a week” she said.
All of this apparently effortless finding of former acquaintances has grabbed the attention of local CSI groups. “We have spoken to these individuals to see what they did to avoid detection to see if we could learn any new tricks that local criminals might use to avoid apprehension,” said Terry Beavers, Sergeant with the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department. “When we heard what these three individuals did to avoid detection, we learned nearly 34 new techniques that we had not seen in more than 100 years of police work,” he said. “These three were SMART!!” “The fact that the Class of 1988 was able to track them down has us awestruck,” said Harry Bush, a Lieutenant of the Missouri Highway Patrol. “For someone to be able to track an individual off of prints lifted from a wacky wall walker is simply amazing!” he said. “I think it had something to do with DNA processing from samples taken from Pacino with all of the kissing he did,” suggested Mike Hunt of the Department of Defense. “It still doesn’t fully explain finding Jennings, but we’re still looking into that,” he said.
These kids could break open the case of Jimmy Hoffa, the UFO at Area 51 in New Mexico, and we hear that they are currently looking for Bigfoot (who might be known as Bobby Booger Nose (SP?)). If the past is any indication of future results, we should know soon where Hoffa is, was there a UFO, is there a Bigfoot, what the Loch Ness Monster looks like and is there life on Mars. All we need to do is suggest that one of these might have been a classmate for a day in their past and they will track them down! Brandi Goodwin, site administrator for the class has said, “I’m prepared to add links for these individuals.” “We’ll take them in as our own!!”
We attempted to contact members of the class of 1988 for further comment, but they were unavailable. We tried to find them at Darvin’s Place (a known hangout for the class), but were unsuccessful as they no longer serve alcohol there. Stay tuned to Festus1988.com for more details.
|
|
