|
Beau Wann, Jr.
Hey Scottman, I told the little woman, I told her, "hey, I'd know that hollar anywhere, that's scotty hollerin up 290, yeah, that's the ticket, HEY SCOTTY..." I hollered back, or woids to that defect. Glad you are dune well gnu mouse and all.
Gooooooooood mornin Chappell Hillllllllllll.....howdy to all youse lads and lassies Waltripians. First one up this phyne morning. Coffee perked, sippin on a cuppa Joe as I type, bacons in the phrying pan, dogs are out doing what dogs are suppose to be doing, and Diane is still slumbering comfortably in the old kingsize arn bed. Well, it's not really made of arn, but we do have an arn bed, the real mccoy too. That sucker must weigh a hunnert dozen pounds give or take. It was our first bed, well, it was Dianes, then I came along and a couple dozen cats or two.
When we moved to Hearthstone, we got one of those fancy schmancy Kingsize sleigh beds. Talk about a change. That ol arn bed was barely for one person, let alone two or more. It got moved to a guest room! And anytime we had a guest stay there, they never came back. Too bad doo dad! Once a new prospective preacher for Oaks Presb and her husband stayed with us one night. No one told us they were both over 6 feet tall. That bed is for people from the 18th century, folks of small stature.
Next morning Diane and I apologized profusely for the torturous night they surely had. They said it was no problem, they slept fine. Liar liar pants on fire, cause both of their heads were leaning sideways. Ministers that lie cannot be trusted can they. There is no way a 6ft plus person, let alone two, could even phit in that bed. Diane and I stll feel bad to this day about that, and it's been over 20 years, well, maybe not bad, but empathetic. Musta been a long night of praying and wonderin why the lord had putem to such a test. Daniel in the lions den, eh what.
Yall hold on a sec or two, gotta feed the critters...
Ok, I'm back, and thanks for holding the phone whilst I fed the ark of the critters.
Now, where was I? Oh yeah, beds! Well. as I am want to do, I move the phurniture around in the house all the time, or did when I was younger. I must have moved that sleigh bed dozens of times in it's lifetime, first on this wall, then on that wall, then in another room, then back in the room from whence it came, plus to three different houses. Seems all that taking apart and putting back together weakend the parts, especially where the side rails connected to the foot board.
As our little family grew, cats, cats and more cats and couple dogs, many more and others too, that bed grew smaller and smaller. I guess Diane and I should have just moved to another room and let the critters have that bed. But, I was bound and determined to sleep in that sleigh bed. (say that a hunert times)
Diane would be on one side and I'd be on the other, and we'd have to shove cats over to the middle, which is no mean feat, or is mean feet. Cats have a natural holding on system called claws, and if they dont want to be moved or let go, they DONT WANT TO BE MOVED ! ! !
Over time, I noticed the bed wobbled somewhat as one got in or on it. "No problem" says I, "I'll fix it sooner of later. In retrospect, sooner would have been better. Duh!
One night as Diane and I raced through the nightly rituals, brushing of teeth etc, trying to get on the "ark" before ALL the cats did, which we didnt make it, as per usual. All the cats, Libbey, Tucker, Lacy, Sammy, and Annie-bob were on the bed, all except Katy and Big Oliver. Now Katy weighed 16 pounds and Big Oliver weighed around 22 pounds. They werent phat, just large breeds of cat. Katy was a "blue tuxedo" and Big Oliver was a Maine Coon. I miss them still !
Diane and I managed to wedge ourselves into OUR bed with much grumblin coming from the cat community, "hey quit shovin" seems I heard em say. Settling in to a much needed night of slumber, I could actually sleep for 4 to 6 hours at a stretch back then, cats and all In the back of my mind I noticed, as I turned off the bedside lamp, Katy and Oliver were not on the ark. "Oh good" I thought, maybe they found a better place to sleep, hallaluja! Hmmmm, where better to sleep than on my feet or head, one could only hope.
As I dozed off, I saw in the glow of the night light, that Katy and Oliver were sitting on top of the "chifferobe". I use that word because it is no longer a word spoken in this day and age unless one is watching the "Antique Road Show". It was just a tall dresser in todays language. I was thinking, how cute, they found a new place to sleep. I was disabused of that "sweet" thought sooner than later.
Closed my eyes again, when "whump" was the sound and "shook" was the bed. "Hi I'm Katy, I'll be your snuggly companion this fine night. Ok, so far so good, Katy settled nicely on my head, trying to take the pillow away from me, but I wasnt going to give it up, ha! I was sort of wonderin what happened to Big Oliver Hmmm, dozing back to sleep. WONDER NO MORE OH DUFUS ONE, WHAM BANG CRASH, the ark, and I imagine the rest of the house, shook like a 10.0 earthquake, and me and the little woman were sliding down an incline towards the foot of the bed and the floor. BIG OLIVER HATH ARIVED! ! ! !
You know how they say "that's the last straw", well in this case, "that's the last cat".... HELP, the Lusitania has taken a torpedo, no, it's the titanic and we've struck an iceberg, No, it's both! ! ! The ark had come apart and we were awash in a sea of blankets, pillows and cats. The cats were all staying where they had fallen asleep, holding on with their built in mountain climbing gear. Not so us humans.
As I watched Diane and myself slide to the floor and the cats heading the other direction, I thought to myself, "I sure wish I'd fixed the bed", or woids to that defect. Seems I heard those very words straight from the lips of my beloved, only replace "I'd" with "you had".
Extricating ourselves from "ark of disaster", lights came on and cats eyes glowered at us for disturbing their slumber. "OK OUT, EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU FELONIOUS FELINES", or woids to that defect. Kind of late in the eviction notice I suppose.
Turned on all the lights, shooed the cats away, woke up the dogs, now they had to go outside, oh joy, will this night never end! Went to the garage, retrieved my tool box, didnt matter what was in it, I figgured I could find something to fix the "Titanic". With loss of religion, much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands, and a few new cuss words, I finally got the bed back to some semblance of order, except it was still sagging a tad, just a tad, on my side at the foot.
Hmmmm, what can I use to shore it up, temporarily you understand, I'll fix it right and forever in the light of day, hmmmmm, "BY JOVE I'VE GOT IT! " What I've got, turned out to be several 50 caliber ammo cans. I know those are sturdy. An aside here, just sos youll know, they were empty, I dont have a 50 caliber machine gun, or any machine gun, or a pallet full of ammo, I just like ammo cans, they are water and air tight and are pretty handy to have around the house. They are the "TUPPERWARE FOR MEN".
As luck would have it, and she pretty well has it her way, the ammo cans fit perfect, like they were made just for holding up a sleigh bed, yeah, things are looking up! I can see the ad now, "Buy this new sleigh bed, it comes with it's own 50 caliber ammo cans, never lose a nights sleep again...." or woids to that defect.
Much time passed, ammo cans still firmly afixed under ye olde sleigh bed. Why fix something if it aint broke, much! I finally fixed that ol bed, years later, after we moved to chappell Hill, bout 25 years later. One surely doesnt want to rush into things now does one. As it turned out, we gave that bed away, and I built a new one, sort of. Made it out of 2x10s, so she were stout. Finally got rid of that one and bought the new metal arn bed. It's actually made of aluminum I think, cause it's light. We didnt get it from Mayfair, but if you've seen the Mayfair ads, our bed is briefly shown.
Ok, I hate to cut this short, but breakfast is calling. Keep the sun at your six and "ride boldly ride..."
Your frien and resident Captiain Bligh, Cephus Long John Silver away esq.
|
