Comments:
What has Ken “The Bopfman” Bopf been up to since graduation? Seriously? What hasn’t the Bopfman been up to?
Like everybody, he’s been keeping busy.
Instead of going to college, Ken Bopf educated himself by traveling the world, from the shores of Jersey to the depths of the Mariana Trench, from the deserts of the Sahara to the snow-capped Himalayan Mountains. Shortly after becoming the first man to scale Everest in a pair of sandles, Bopf was traveling on an isolated trail in Tibet on a fateful day in the winter of 2001 when he rescued a group of monks who lost their way in a terrible blizzard. It was believed that one of the monks was none other than the Dalai Lama himself, who blessed Ken and told him that he was meant to do great things with his life. “Hell yeah,” he told Mr. Lama. “I’m the Bopfman!” He then hiked across Asia and Europe, his last stop being Pamplona, Spain, where the people of the city granted him the special nickname “El Conquistador” after he, instead of Running with the Bulls, made the bulls run from him.
Bopf returned home to the states, but realizing there was nothing left to learn that was taught in books, he decided to spend the remainder of his collegiate years doing research of his own. In the fall of 2002, Ken successfully completed the map of the human genome. He devoted his spare time to major research on global warming, and his findings were later used in the film An Inconvenient Truth. Ken and Al Gore soon became close friends mostly chatting back and forth on a social networking site Bopf developed called Facebook. The two soon had a falling out after Ken admitted to Al that in November of 2000, while partying with Stephen Baldwin at a Republican Fundraiser Party in Sarasota, Florida, they blacked out, stole hundreds of ballot boxes, and threw them into the Gulf of Mexico (recently discovered, then covered up, by BP cleanup efforts).
After accidentally discovering the 117th periodic element known as Bopfkenium (later renamed Ununhexium), Ken Bopf realized his talents laid not in science, but in the written word. In 2004, he was chosen to be the ghostwriter on Bill Clinton’s autobiography, My Life, and after becoming dissatisfied with Episodes I and II of Star Wars, he moved to Hollywood to assist George Lucas on the rewrites of Revenge of the Sith. Bopf was furious after he was not given credit for his Academy Award winning script The Departed (based on his own top secret undercover work for the Boston police department in 2005), thus organizing the Writer’s Guild of America strike in late 2006. He gained the interest of then Senator Barack Obama who, impressed by his ability to lead, asked Bopf to help run his highly successful campaign for President, as well as ghostwrite his 2008 bestseller, Audacity of Hope.
Two weeks after winning his 3rd IronMan Competition in the Fall of 2007, Ken started a highly publicized but brief relationship with the supermodel Giselle. Unfortunately, she broke his heart and left him for his former pee-wee football teammate, Tom Brady. Legend has it that Brady, feeling guilty for stealing her away, gave Bopf sideline tickets to Super Bowl XLII. Still heartbroken, Bopf decided to drown his sorrows during the game in a bottle of Jack Daniels, and while looking for a bathroom in the stadium, accidentally stumbled into Plaxico Burress outside the New York Giants locker room. In a jealous drunken rage, Bopf threatened Plaxico with bodily harm if he didn’t do everything in his power to beat Tom Brady and the Patriots. Plaxico went on to make the game-winning catch, however lived in fear of Bopf ever since, to the point where he had to carry a handgun in his sweatpants wherever he went.
It was at that moment during the Super Bowl when Bopf realized his true passion was sports. He became the head adviser to George Steinbrenner, who later personally thanked Bopf when the New York Yankees won their 27th World Series – their first in 9 years. A day after giving the heartbreaking eulogy at Mr. Steinbrenner’s funeral this past summer, Ken was hired as the lead negotiator for the Miami Heat in the acquisition of free agents LeBron James and Chris Bosh. Since then, he’s been enjoying his time in Miami Beach, producing such hit reality shows as The Jersey Shore: Season 2 and Kim and Khloe Take Miami.
In just under a decade, Kenneth Bopf has conquered nature, politics, media, sports, and academia, but he says his main goal now is to settle down and start a family of his own. For our country and the world’s sake, the Bopf name must live on.
