The Perks of Being Over
 70 

Thanks to Sharon Pope Jones for this upbeat message.

1. Kidnappers are not
   interested in you.
 

2. In a hostage situation,
   you are likely to be
   released first.

3. No one expects you to
   run...... anywhere.  

4. People call at 9 p.m.
   & ask,"Did I wake
   you?"

5. People no longer view
   you as a hypochondriac.

 

6. There is nothing left
   to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now
   won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper
   at 4:00 p.m.  

9. You can live without
   sex but not your
   glasses.   

10. You get into heated
    arguments about
    pension plans.
       

11. You no longer think
    of speed limits as a
    challenge.  

12. You quit trying to
    hold your stomach in,
    no matter who 
    walks into the room.

13. You sing along with
    elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't
    get that much worse.

15. Your investment in
    health insurance is
    finally beginning to
    pay off.

16. Your joints are
    more accurate than
    meteorologists or
    the national weather
    service.

17. Your secrets are
    safe with your
    friends because they
    can't remember them, 
    either.

18. Your supply of brain
    cells is finally down
    to manageable size.

19. You can't remember
   who sent you this list.

20. You notice that
    these are all in BIG

    PRINTfor your
    convenience.

IN CELEBRATION OF BARBIE'S
60TH BIRTHDAY,
THE MATTEL CORPORATION HAS COME OUT WITH NEW BARBIES!

1. Biker Barbie - complete with leathers &
     tatoo

2. Microsoft Barbie - Barbie doll with Bill
     Gates's head

3. Divorce Barbie - includes the house, the
     car, and half of Ken's belongings

4. Hockey Barbie - comes with hockey stick &
     missing teeth

5. Werewolf Barbie - a normal doll except
    under a full moon

6. Avalanche Barbie - buried in 16 feet of
    snow

7. Cyclops Barbie - comes with one eye right
     in the middle of  her forehead; Cyclops Ken
     sold separately

8. Barbie Brain in a Jar - an empty jar

9. Circus Clown Barbie - comes with scary face
     & scary wig

10. Bearded Barbie - complete with tweezers

11. Chernobyl Barbie - glows in the dark

12. Darth Vader Barbie - with plastic helmet;
      pull the string &  sounds like James Earl
      Jones

13. King Kong Barbie - a 6-foot tall gorilla
      holding Barbie doll dressed like Fay Wray

14. Bugs Barbie - buck teeth, long ears

15. Picasso Barbie - everything's in the wrong
      place

16. Medusa Barbie - has snakes for hair

17. Tree Hugger Barbie - pull the string & she
      spouts environmental rhetoric

18.  Jock Barbie - looks like Dennis Rodman

19. Rasta Barbie - she's got a tie-dyed t-shirt,
       dreadlocks & reggae CD; rolling papers
      sold separately

20. Housewife Barbie - dressed in ratty old
      housecoat; comes with dirty laundry &
      sink full of dishes
       

(Thank God there's a name for this disorder!)

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car & decide it needs washing.    


As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch that I
brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, 
and notice that the garbage can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the
table & take out the garbage first....

But then I think,   
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table
and see that there's only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study.
So I go inside to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.
                            

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to put the Diet Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
 

The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I
decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--- they need water.
                                                         

I put the Diet Coke on the counter &
discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning.
I decide I'd better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water & suddenly spot the tv remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
                                                     

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table.
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the vase,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels & wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
 

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of Diet Coke 
sitting on the counter.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one check in my checkbook.
I can't find the remote.
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing
got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was
busy all day,
And now I'm really tired.
 

I realize this is a serious problem, and
I'll try to get some help for it;
but first I'll check my email.

Don't laugh ~ If this isn't you yet,
your day is coming!
 

WISDOM AS SEEN ON
T-SHIRTS

WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL US?

Narrative below says: "Middle age is when
you are sitting home on a Saturday night,
and the phone rings & you hope it's not for you.

MORE TO COME....