As the Main Street Streekers ran through down town Oneida with a finish line at the local watering hole a nice looking red head sat at the bar waiting for the first hunk to appear.  When the door opened she was greeted by the first streeker who said

PSSSSSSSSST , it's me Ozzie,how do you like my new

Tye=dyed necktie.  I made it just for the race.  See how it matches my sneakers and do-rag.  The redhead was quite impressed and replied...

Well Mr GreenJeans betcha aint got one these pretty lookin

"man thongs", as she smiled and added, "I won it as a door prize at the reunion!"

"Man Bong." Ozzie Top said exictedly--"Where?"

Just then I ran in out of breath and said, "Where's Debby Hynard?"

Lizard winced and said, "No--wrong red head!"

Ozzie top smiled and said, "Yeah man, I'm a dead head!" As he poured himself some punch from a well worn cowboy boot.

Then I saw who the red head was and said

holy bong,it's Dennis Creedon standing on Jeff Behrs shoulder waving a

picture of Jerry Garcia-no wonder Ozzie was confused

Then I took a look at the ravishing redhead and realized who it was-one half of the famous Campbell Soup twins Kathy Readman who along with her sister had lived a life of luxury and wealth on the royalties they had received

but alas Kathy had squandered her wealth on

thousand island salad dressing and bags of bird feed that she stock piles under her bed.When Sue Sochen Welty and Kathy Staff Tucker found out about all the streekers running throughout the Oneida streets they decided it was time for

them to join in the fun. Richie Havens 'Freedom" rang out as they gleefully shed their clothes. Running along, Kathy got so engrossed with Scott Walter's tattoo, that she ran smack, right into.....

the Mayor who was bent over trying to reach his taser. The Mayor replied thanks for the butt  kick,has anybody found out who

"hid my clothes-I can't be photographed like this!"

No one fessed up, but Denise Desnoyers had a huge grin on her face for some reason, as she began taking pictures of Pete.  Soon  a huge crowd had gathered around the Mayor with cameras flashing and Pete began to brandish his taser when he spotted Herbie Myers with a spare sequined thong that he was twirling in his hand.

"Just what I needed Herb my old pal," shouted Pete

"Yeah," said Herbert, "Doesn't it suck to need"

Shocked Pete said, "Herbert what are you talking about?"

Herbie sneered and said, "This is gonna cost you---

a box of tooth picks and a set of Bernadine Coppolo (Perham's) home made quilts, don't you know winter is coming soon and I don't want to freeze my

tender little tushy off in a homeless shelter again this year"

Pete considered all his options and all the fond memorys he had with Herbert and figured, "What the heck" as he tasered Herb and took the sequined thong from Herberts twitching fingers and said, "Yeah it sucks to need but it sure helps to be Mayor"  He then poured the remaining punch from the cowboy boots and put them on as he proudly began his walk back to city hall

Meanwhile Denise was laughing hysterically as she said, "Poor Pete, I didn't even have film in my camera!"  Sue Sochan stopped streaking long enough to wipe the sweat from her brow on Herberts shirt and take a look at Denise''s camera as she remarked, "Hey DD isn't that a digital camera?"

As Denise went through Herberts wallet she replied, "Oh yeah-now if  I could just figure out how to take off the lens cover"

After Sue slapped Denise around a bit she was aching for an after beating cigarette which had been her MO since her days of beating up smaller girls on N Lake Street when she spotted

Nikki Pebbles(Jarema) sporting her new high and tight hair cut as Theresa Kaier(May) was yelling where the hell is the ump,oh I know

"Denise is the ump!"

As an ambulance arrived for Herbert and Denise, Sue in her most professional manner said, "Hey, I'm a nurse-get the "F" out of here"

But Denise was ok and Herbert was coming around when Cathy Collins said, "Hey it's not right to mug the tasered guy."  Denise feeling very guilty, bruised and sorrowful agreed when Cathy said, "Let's just grab his wallet and run!"

Soon, Herberts plastic was buying rounds for everyone at the Sylvan Beach American Legion post when someone shouted "Everyone to the mini golf course you won't believe who's there--it's

Rob Kinsella shooting skeet, as he yelled " pull " Donna Aber grabbed his

Pit Bull "Otto B" by the tail.  Not realizing the danger she was in from a pit bull named after an algebra teacher, Donna continued doing this till the dog went wild, but she was in luck for just then Grove Havener showed up with his tranquilzer dart gun, and he promptly "shot" Donna so she'd leave the poor dog alone.

As Rob thanked Grove for preventing further abuse to his dog, an angry John Lawless confronted Grove shouting, "What's the matter with you, why did you tranquilize Donna instead of the dog?"  Grove aimed his dart gun in John's direction and sneered as he said, "Go ahead punk, make my day!"

Suddenly there was a loud cheer and a handfull of confetti thrown Groves way as Pete Hedglon said, "Tell those north siders Grove!"  Grove appreciated the Oneida mayors support until he realized he was a "North sider" then he aimed his dart gun at

the turkey Gary Campanie was trying to raffle off just as Terry Navin was about to

call OzzieTop on the phone to warn him that the police were on their way and it looked like  they had drug sniffing dogs with them.  Thinking quick-Ozzie hid his stash in a very clever place and ran for his field of dreams.

A few moments later the police arrived and found Herbert still dazed and slightly confused from his previous taser blast.  After searching Herbert the police placed an emergency call to the Mayor who was playing miniature golf with Grove Havener.   The police explained the situation to Pete who giggled to himself as he listened about the homeless amnesiac with no id and a five finger bag of grass in his coat pocket.  "Book him," said Pete, "Charge him with vagrancy, drug trafficking and soliciting"  While the local men in blue were more than happy to make an arrest, they questioned Pete abut the soliciting charge to which Pete replied-"Take a look-what kind of man wears a thong without cowboy boots?"

As the police investigation continued, they decided the mayors intuition was correct again as they hauled Herbert off to

Dennys for a quick piece of hot apple pie and a cold glass of milk,mean while back at the Red Barn Doc Bramley was doing the chicken dance with

Pam Z who had decided black leather skirts were a fashion faux pas and now was wearing a sheer leopard print spandex bodysuit.  Always a trend setter, Pam laughed to herself as she saw all the other ladies decked out in black leather skirts with whips. 

Insanely jealous watching another man chicken dance with Pam, I went outside for a cigarette when I saw an angry mob preparing to tar and feather

the new barbie doll that Eileen Clark (Park) had given Bonnie Cole (Gerwig) for Christmas.  Nan Mulroy (Chmura) was so upset she decided she would

burn two Ken dolls and one GI Joe (which Max had saved and cherished for over 45 years) in a homemade napalm solution she had saved since high school chemistry and her days with the "Weather underground" to teach the "pond sucking chauvinist scum" as she referred to them-despite the fact that Barbie was being tarred and feathered by a mad pack of Sarah Palin "Feminists"(?) led by Meredith Simson who was only involved to promote her new book "Paul Newman and Me-an intimate memoir"

Meanwhile Herbert was still trying to post bail and had frantically called Kevin Patricia to be a character witness and bondsman for him.  Kevin however was preoccupied with thoughts of either trying out for the New York Giants or becoming a Hells Angel and referred Herbert to Grove Havener, who was now Pete's right hand man at city hall as well as his caddy at putt putt golf.  Seeing as Herbert had been a fellow north sider though, Grove was moved with compassion and referred his situation to Tim Thomas.  When Tim explained that he lived in California and probably wouldn't be back for at least five years-Grove thought of poor Herbert and said, "Well Tim, whenever it's convenient for you!"

Luckily for Herbert, Lizard heard about his situation and decided he would

call Bob Henty and Karen Cordary to see if they would give Tim a lift on their rented planes.  Mean while Gary Spraker was on the pulpit praising Brenda Pagliarli for going to Washington D.C. and starting another one of her protests.Not to be out done Louise Fish ran to the pulpit and said look here minister look at these hands how would you like one of my famous

faith healings?  I can cure anyone with these magic hands"

Pam Z heard and sneered, "Honey, one touch of my hand and 80 year old men toss out their viagra!"

With those words barely out of her lips, the entire male portion of the Oneida class of 69 lined up to be touched by Pam the spandex leopard Queen-well, the entire class except for Herbert and Bruce Wright who had been appointed as Herberts private corrections officer, but as soon as Bruce could find his hand cuffs he and Herb intended to get in line too.  Little did Bruce know the hand cuff lust that Pam could induce in a man.

Meanwhile, back at the American Legion post, Cathy Collins had finally reached that magic number-Herberts credit limit, but with the cash swell the Legion now had plans to expand and build

as a thought came to the Mayors mind who needs Phillipsons,I can just take over the Legion as my new office. Mr Mayor not so fast replied Scott Walter as he held the Mayor at taser point,oh no not again the Mayor replied I can't believe

"Rob Kinsella has actually sent a hit man to collect for my bar tab at the reunion"

Thinking quick, Pete told Scott, "The check is in the mail!"  As Scott lowered his taser, Pete never even saw a wild eyed Herbert, uncuffed by Bruce who had been overpowered by handcuff lust and released Herbert,  so that he could run home to his wife Ann.  As Herbert two stepped his way to the mayor, he grabbed Scotts taser and zapped Pete.  Lying on the floor in pain, Pete gulped as he also saw that Herbert had been touched by the Spandex leopard Queen.

Fearing the worst, he breathed an enormous sigh of relief when Herbert smiled and said, "God, Boyd Shaffer was right about getting high on jolts of volts"   Just as Pete began to relax and enjoy the electric buzz, Herbert stopped smiling and snarled, "Now about my wallet, my credit card and my stolen sequined thong!"

"Don't forget your five finger bag," Scott added

Just then, Herbert was tackled to the ground by 

a swift kick from one of  Laura Wilson (Owenby)'s  three donkeys,  while Herbert was shaking the cob webs from his head Mike Campbell was just about ready to let a big

opportunity for a party escape him.  As Grove and his secret police took Herbert into custody again, Mike saw his chance and said, "Hey Pete, what that donkey did was pretty special right?"  Pete agreed, and Mike said, "Maybe we should do something special."  As Pete agreed again, he hesitated and said, "Well Mike we can't give a donkey a special mayoral citation."  Mike agreed, and Pete added, "and we can't give a donkey the keys to the city" again Mike agreed--then Pete asked, "Well what did you have in mind?"
Mike smiled and said, "How about the pits?"  Pete considered all the political ramifications and said, "Hell yeah-we can always call it animal control!"

Quickly Mike was on the phone to Rob K saying, "Fire up the pits and have Kevin pick up some brew--it's barbecue time"

Meanwhile,  handcuff lust finally took it's toll on Bruce who was blissfully snoring handcuffed to

a toilet seat at the Knotty Pines.  Holy bungalow John Brophy exclaimed as  the County Sheriff arrived to get their drug sniffing dogs for a quick

doobie, before seeing if Bruce was alright.  Seeing that he was ok, they figured Bruce wasn't really hurting anybody, but then they checked him for id and unfortunately for Bruce, Cathy Collins had found him first.   With no wallet, no id and only able to incoherently mutter something that resembled "Spanish leper Queen"-they had no choice, Bruce was arrested, charged with vagrancy and almost charged with committing lewd acts with a restroom.

Taken before newly self appointed North side Mayor Bob Page, Bruce attempted to explain who he was and Bob had the great idea to call in Ann W and find out.  But when she arrrived and saw Bruce still handcuffed to a toilet seat she swore, "I've never seen him before in my life!"  Bob had no choice as he committed Bruce and his toilet seat to the County jail where they were put in the same cell with Herbert who had exposed the outlet wires in his cell which he kept jolting himself with as he muttered those famous words he had spoken in the school "Laugh In" play years ago, "Sock it to me"

Back at the Sylvan Beach Legion Hall it was party time again as "Bruce" was now buying rounds for all and Cathy had succeeded in calling Herberts bank and raising his credit limit, but everyone was surprised by the Legions guest of honor, none other than

the Naval swab man Dick White who was upset at not being honored by the Vets Club as he had his own captins chair next to the pool table. Harry Stanhope another north side swab man was laughing uncontrolably as the band began to play

"hail to thee Oneida high..."  While Lizard and Dick snapped to attention and saluted in the direction of the Oneida Sr High  school, Ozzie Top went berserk shouting, "Hell no, I won't go!" As Dennis Creedon and Scott Walter tried to control Ozzie, Cathy C, Sue S and Theresa K were subtly picking their pockets.  In the ladies room they checked out their haul -Cathy said, "Wow-more plastic!"  Theresa said, "Cash and plastic!"  Sue, not so happily said, "some rolling papers and a pawn shop ticket!" Suddenly, a loud explosion was heard and as everyone ran outside, they could see fireworks coming from the general area of cozy corners, at least that's what they thought-actually it was Boyd S and myself, as Boyd had talked me into trying his latest theory which was

why doesn't Dennis or Bob ever sleep?  It's not natural to be posting message in the middle of the night.  But it could be that ....

uppers do work when taken with ice cold beer.,meanwhile back at the explosion Boyds idea of a bong full of weed being smoked next to a leaking oxygen tank would give you a blast like none other. As Scott Walter (Mr Clean) ran to the scene he was met by Ann Loomis wrapped in a horse blanket waving that damn thong given to her by the leather queen.  Soon after everyone arrived at the scene of the explosion the Mayor declaired it was now time to have open season on

all adults who go out in public in their pajamas.  Luckily, I was safe since reading Boyd's "How to live longer without even trying" which had as it's premise that since we sleep about 8 hours a day and live to be about 75-we effectively throw away 25 years of perfectly good life.  With the dietary supplement 'Shafers Black Beauty M&M's" I had been able to stay awake and fend off  the succubus that had taunted me since my younger days at Christian mythology-oops-theology school--but now that I had seen the black leather spandex leopard Queen in person, I feared I was falling under her spell again.

Back at the pits-the donkey was a done deal and the Pitmen were desperately trying to think of some new exotic food to BBQ when Jeff Behr said, "Hey how about some---

bull nuts and figs down in Florida its an every day snack. Vicki Bortle (Haslauer) and Nikki Pebbles (Jarema) both said I can remember the last batch was

gobbled down by the ladies at the Legion when we told them, "Don't worry-they're just Rocky Mountain Oysters"

Back in Wampsville, Ann finally identified Bruce, took him home and handcuffed him to their own toilet while Pete H officially pardoned Herbert, knowing he was the only man in the Oneida area who had any chance of tracking down Boyd S before he blew up anymore popular makeout spots.  Little did anyone besides his close, almost as mad scientist buddy Herbert, know that Boyd was deliberately destroying the cozy corners of the world because of his nearly fortyfive year old unfulfilled desire to swap spit with

 Granny Clampett of the Beverly Hillbillies. Just the thought of that made Danny Burke want to grab

his Pittsburgh Pirate hat and head for the pits-where another barbecue was about to begin

Back at Veroona Beach, I finally washed ashore by the lighthouse, after barely surviving Boyds oxygenated bong experience, which was a break as I was close to home.  But between the explosion and it's aftermath-nearly all of my clothes had been pretty well vaporized--and as I stepped from the water I heard a ladies voice shout, "Hey--finally-a full Monty"  Embarrassed, I looked and saw

John Brophy dressed in a purple thong tossing pizza dough into the air while singing Leonard Cohens " I'm Your Man" I can't wait to share my

thirty year old six pack of Billy Beer with another Leonard Cohen fan who dares to go full monty.  As we fought off the screaming ladies, we made it to my house where I slipped on a navy blue thong and a pair of cowboy boots, where we were joined by Lizard in a camouflaged thong and boots with spurs shaped like hula dancers, as we chugged down John's Billy Beer and listened to "Songs from a Room"

In a good mood, I dug into my own stash of Billy Beer and Lizard added a case of Iron City Brew when we caught the faintest scent of a venison BBQ. A conniseur of fine brews, JOhn added, "I smell a little bit of Bud and Heineken too"   All I could think was, "Damn that Corello, another fun day at the Beach and only the Pitmen invited again"  But at that moment Pam Z, Cathy C, Thersa K and Sue S pulled up with a case of Lone Star, a case of Modelo XXX, and Tim Thomas and we knew it was going to be a long night of drinking and Leonard Cohen.  The ladies used "borrowed" plastic to order pizza and chicken wings and things were great-till my wife came home and yelled, "What are you doing in my thong?"  Quickly realizing why I had felt "pinched"-I ran in and put on---

my spare pair of jeweled spiked heals and a fuzzy robe,as I exited the back door I ran into Judy Carnevale (Blair) who had a search warrant to look for Ozzie's stash of freshly cut

peyote buttons which were thought to be the secret ingredient at Jeff B's new restaurant, "Looney Tunes Pizza" which just happened to be where our pizza had come from.   Judy attempted to call Pete and Grove to inform them, but both were occupied at the latest Pitman BBQ with the newest pitman-or should I say pitcat

Luckily, Dick Blair had delivered our pizzas and had stayed around for a few brews and knowing Judy he came up with a very clever plan as he shouted, "Hey-over by the lighthouse-isn't that Boyd Shaffer"

Quickly in pursuit, we were left to party again when Lizard spotted

a bluejay sitting on Grove (yogie) Haveners  shoulder,Gary Campanie surprised at seeing this started calling it with his new turkey caller,suddenly a pink cadillac pulled up and inside was

Sarah Palin wanting to know if it was true that we could see "Big Ben" from the top of the lighthouse.  While most of us told her no, Tim T smiled and said, "I've got your Big Ben right here!"  Sarah was thrilled shouting, "More international experience-I love it," then she added "Now where can I find dinosaurs?"  While we pondered which of our high school teachers might still be alive, Mayor Pete pulled up in a black limousine with dozens of "men in black" and as he escorted Sarah away, he made us all swear under some kind of official secrets act that we wouldn't repeat anything Sarah had said, unless it was to Fox news or Rush Limbaugh.

As they left, Lizard remarked, "Hey you know who that was?"  Sue S sneered and said, "Of course, it was Pete Hedglon."  "No, not him," said Lizard, "the broad!"  Since no one seemed to know, I answered, "Wasn't she that funny lady from Saturday Night Live?"

A few minutes later, with Sarah safely silenced at Pete's house-we were raided by

the Bates Ave Bombers who were shouting who's your daddy, who's your daddy. Barb Campbell replied, boys if you want to know who your daddy is go check with Kevin Patricia he knows just about

every Milf in the Mohawk Valley, good chance he's somebodys daddy!  As the Bombers took off to examine Kev's little black book, we went back to partying.  Tim T asked Sue S if she wanted to go for a walk and show him where cozy corners is.  Sue laughed and said, "You mean where it was!"  Being a good sport and living up to his nickname as "Captain Smooth" Tim said, "Oh yeah--that darn Boyd, wanna show me where it was?"

Soon they departed, and suddenly we heard the most vicious, violent slap we'd ever heard and Sue yelling, "I told you Tim, NPO"

Lizard wondered, "What the heck is NPO"  The best guess any of us could make was "No Post Office!"

But it wasn't important, for a moment later

Rich Matthews showed up with one of his famous watermellons,Dave Kinney yells hey everyone look at THOSE mellons as Vicki Bortle (Haslauer) turned around she discovered everyone was

staring at Herberta-who had breasts that made Dolly Parton look like Twiggy.  In order to track down Boyd, Herbert had assumed what he assumed to be the perfect disguise to snare Sinister Schaffer before he could strike with another bong of destruction.  Apparently Herbertas disguise was working as Tim T excused himself to play Captain Smooth again-despite the huge red welt on his face.  While the other ladies compared themselves insecurely to Herberta, Pam Z the black leather spandex leopard Queen stood up and strutted her booty proudly as she told Herberta, "The real deal is fine to feel, so take your saggy silicone hoooters and---