your box of hot dogs and go feed the class of 68,mean while Donna Aber was so upset with the way Pam Z had talked to Herbert that she took a big healthy

lifeguard in her arms and gave him a huge kiss.  But Pam felt just a tiny bit of remorse and gave Herberta a little pat on the shoulder, however, since Herberta was really Herbert, there was an instant reaction to Pams touch.  No one was more surprised than Captain Smooth who quickly pulled his hand away while shouting, "What the hell?"  Herberta was also quite upset, as the reaction to Pams touch was destroying his perfect disguise.  We realized quickly that there was only one cure for Herbert as we handcufed him to a toilet and waited for the Pam effect to wear off.  Captain Smooth breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Boy that was a close call, I almost---

left my golf clubs at Scalons store.  What was I thinking about?  Oh well as Bill York finally remembered where Sly put the

Playboy Video of "The Girls of Oneida Class of 69", everyone at the party began to nod off till only myself and Lizard were still awake.  We finally came up with the idea of putting a Burka on Pam Z to see if that could somehow diminish her potent effect on men, luckily Denise Desnoyers had just stopped by and we assigned the task to her in order to avoid "the touch"  Since nothing much was happening at 4AM, Lizard suggested we call up Rob Kinsella and ask him

if he knew where the coffee,sugar and cream was,it was so early in the morning and we both knew we were in for an all nighter since the burka was a tight fit, Rob must have been playing on his computer putting new photos on as he answered on the first ring.  I looked at Bob and said Rob was awake and Bob said that was not natural as Rob is in bed by 7:15pm.  I told Bob yah,it must be that old age thing.  Oh no I yelled to Bob there is movement under that burka,Bob said no problem it must be the gas 

from the essence of Pam, I've been trying to synthesize it so our class could market it and pay for a reunion every year.  "OH NO," cried Lizard-"What will happen if the gas essence reaches us?"  Uncertain, and fearful of priapism, all I could say was "We'll need more handcuffs and toilets!"  As we made a break for the safety of fresh air, we realized it wasn't safe to contain Pam within the confines of a Burka, so we yelled for Denise to remove it and give it to Herberta for a new disguise as I also suggested we refer to "it" as Pam's perfumed essence rather than "gas" "Good thinking," Lizard said, "No sense involving OPEC"

We estimated it would be at least 3 hours before we could safely return, so we headed to Rob K's for an early morning breakfast (or in our case, a late night snack)  All the commotion caused everyone else to wake up too, so except for Denise and Pam we all headed for Robs as we vaguely remembered him promising a brunch anytime we were hungry as long as we brought him a bag of oranges, or something like that. 

Lizard decided to round up all the empty beer bottles for Rob, figuring the least we could do was let him have the deposit.  We were all surprised though when we pulled up to Robs and found the Mayor and Sarah Palin---

polishing their shoes with strawberry ice cream and walnut paste,sarah was telling Pete that she would often snack on her shoes just like Nan Mulroy (Chmura) and Karen Cordary.  Mean while Bonnie Cole (Gerwig) was fit

to be tied and called Jim Bramley to see if something medical could be done for Nan and Sarah as eating ones shoes was unhealthy and they might need a referal to a head shrinker. Larry Carello picked up on this and thought it might make a great topic for a new book at which time

he heard handbells ringing and was so mesmerized by the sound that he decided to drop out and find his own Waldens Pond. Camille S who was playing the handbells saw the reaction she was having on Larry and giggled to herself as she said, "Take that diazepam"

Surprisingly, the handbells were affecting Rob K too, for he had been yelling something about brunch being a one time deal and not wanting trash bags full of empty bottles, when he suddenly mellowed and joined Larry as they were irresistibly drawn to Ozzie Tops Field of dreams

The handbells didn't seem to be affecting any of the ladies, and had the opposite effect on me and Lizard as we were now wide awake again and shouting for Camille to play "In a gadda da vida" with handbells.

Back at the Beach, Denise finally felt like it was safe for her and Pam Z to join the rest of us, though on their way to Oneida they passed

A vast open farmers land, and thought how great it would be to see if Rob K. would organize a WOODSTOCK II for Old times sake! Maybe get some of our old classmates bands and some of the oldies like Sly and Moody Blues, etc. to play and Sandy Rudolph and Pam Z could man the trip tent while Sue  and Donna

deviate attention from themselves so that they could mail their bid to under cut Robs lobbying firm bid of 14,750 dollars to 14,000 dollars.  They laughed when they discovered he was calling his firm Pigs At The Trough,Inc and having such an unlucky phone number of 1-800-easy-money.  They were hinting at naming their firm Hogs and Suds with a phone number of 1-800-669-2337 or 1-800-omy-beer.  Mean while Mary Lalonde (fay) jumped on her Buffalo shouting make way for

"Grandma Hotty, if there's any kind of a woodstock, I'm there with flowers in my hair!"

Meanwhile, the newly mellowed Larry C and Rob K were tripping to pan flute music when Rob suggested that Yanni would be a great act for his Woodstock revival and Larry mused "Wouldn't it be great to get some of that old carousel music to set the mood?"  Rob just smiled and said, "Groovy!"

After Lizard and I threw up thinking about Yanni, we wondered if there was any cure for Larry and Rob's affliction-the only thing we could think of--though very dangerous-was the touch of Pam--knowing that over active libidos and rock music tend to go hand in hand.

Denise suggested we try something safer, like Boyds "Jolts of volts" before trying anything as extreme as "the touch" but it didn't really make much difference for at that very moment Sarah Palin and Mayor Pete

began singing The Hues Corporations "Rock The Boat" as Tim Thomas sat on a flat stone thinking of his 4 dogs and six cats,as all the missing classmates were found and began singing California Dreamin making Tim swell with body fluids,mean while Terry Navin and Louise Fish were about to

audition for American Idol, when Terry got a sudden case of stage fright leaving Louise to perform as a solo act until Todd Heller arrived and said, "Don't worry my little chick a dee, the Toddster's got you covered!"  As Todd and Louise performed a flawless version of Eric Clapton's "Cocaine"-it turned out to be a bad choice as the still "untouched" Larry C and Rob K had just been appointed judges.  "Devil music," commented Rob as Larry added, "This wold make Andy Williams or Zamfir sick."   Sadly, they were eliminated but Sue S approached them about playing at the New Woodstock-which she had renamed the "Crockpot Music Festival" in honor of her favorite method of slow cooking.  At that moment, Sarah Palin climbed into the judges chamber and gave Rob and Larry each a kiss and a wink for being "Real Americans"  Suddenly, Rob and Larry--

 noticed Bernadine Coppolo(Perman),Joyce Holdridge(Bush),and Sue Sochan(Welty) gathering at the microphone,seated in front of them was a hulk of a man writing in a note book titled "My Top 10 girlfriend list". With a nod and a wink the girls began to sing Mary Wells rendition of "My Guy",as the crowd began to shout we want John,we want John. Brenda Pagliarli was thinking Oh my I have'nt seen John Aman since

last Saturday at Wal-Mart, where he drops off his list of top 10 cashiers every weekend.  Though some might have thought to scoff at John, when the 67 football team which he was honorary captain of,  was compared to our 69 football team it was no contest.  And who knew that David Letterman would be paying royalties to John for decades for stealing his idea of a "top ten" list.  But what really made John the man of the hour was that he was about to read his final top 10 list for the class of 69--starting with #10 thru #2 there were no major surprises, though Sue S, Theresa K and Kathy R were justifiably proud of their positions-but when he got to #1 and he gave his reason-the Pitmen were collectively shocked  because

it was a two way tie,as the Pitman were being interviewed they all said those twins will beat you every time,as the twins began to celebrate with shots of kool aid and pepsi Dick Blair decided it was time for a good old fashioned

church Revival with none other than Gary Spraker at the helm. He suggestied that John Brophy lead everyone in the hymns by playing his digital keyboard. Crowds of 100's were flocking on site to partake in this

strange hippie movement.  John Brophy all excited asked Ozzie Top if he wanted to sell a pair of  his fish net stockings as he wanted to surprise Pam Z with a the latest fashion.  Bob V was so upset that the Lizard man beat him to the latest style for Pam,that he pulled out his

sleeping pills and thought, "Damn if I can't have Pam the black leather spandex leopard fishnet stocking Queen in real life-at least I can dream about her"  But as I finally went to sleep for the first time in 6 years, all I could dream about was a woman with a deep voice in a Burka calling me Boyd and stalking me everywhere I went.   Waking in  a sweat, it dawned on me that no dream could hope to match Pam, so I decided my only choice was to track down Ozzie Top or Mrs Ozzie Top and get some black beautys to counter act the sleeping pills.  In a groggy daze I made my way towards the field of dreams when I heard pan flute music which was lulling me into a state of mindless melancholy, when by a stroke of luck, Sue S ran over my foot with her

snow shoes while she was dressed in a buck skin bikini and a plastic rain cap, as everyone turned to catch a glimpse of

Not to be out done by sue, t.kaier came into the pictue with her hippie jeans on and her long hair blowing in

Gary Campanies ice cream sunday,as Gary was about to take a taste he stood up and declared its time for

"the Crockpot music festival, and if we can't get live entertainment-let's crank up some golden oldies!  And as far as this Yanni, Zamfir, Kitaro crap-I'd rather call up a bunch of turkeys and listen to them gobble!"

As Lizard and I wondered if Turkeys could in fact gobble "In a gadda da vida," Donna Aber threw a chestnut and smacked me in the head, as Tim T took a swing at the chestnut with his cane and hit Lizard up side the head.  When we came to, Oneida was a very different place as we saw HL Greens, WT Grants and Woolworths all open again.  Figuring,"Cool"-Lizard and I went in Woolworths and popped balloons for our banana splits, while we saw much younger versions of Sue S and Theresa K coming out of Greens in mini skirts eating 10 cent hot dogs. 

Chucking our banana splits, we made our way to Madison Street, saw National Auto and headed straight to Gussies and were having a great time until barely legal drinking age Cathy Lancaster and Bernadine C came in and asked the bartender, "What the hell-is this old farts night or something?"

It was then that we realized

Joe Dubois spiked our banana splits with maple syrup and brownie mix, Bob Henty said you think you were flying high I'll  give you a lift so high you'll think your in

Pam Z's bedroom.  As we began to drool all over ourselves, Herburka joined us and we instantly crashed back to reality.  But there was suddenly a lot of "oohing" and "aahing" and Pam entered the room wearing her newest fashion craze to be, and we were both drooling again

As we wondered "What was John A not thinking?"  But before we could fully appreciate Pam's new bold look, we were interrupted by

Laura Wilson tossing a salad as the Bates Ave Bombers were eagerly awaiting

a mister softy ice cream as they watched

Tim Thomas and his Amazing Rock and Roll Polka Band giving a free concert at Vet's Field.  Tim had pioneered the fusion of rock and polka with his smash his, "Polka Dancing a Stairway to Heaven" and he was celebrating his latest release at home, "Polka on the wild side"  Unexpected as it was, this polka rock craze was the hottest thing in music since Beatlemania and Tim and his band had signed with Lizard King movie studios, who were trying to break out of the porno business, with "A Hard Days Polka"

As the crowd grew to thousands, Theresa K and Sue S were selling T shirts of with Tims pictures from the reunion which proclaimed, "We knew him before he was Tim Thomas"

But as Tim and his band launched into their opening theme song, "Polka Dancing on the Dock of the Bay" a wild eyed

Joyce Holdridge(Bush) and Ann Dubois started their version of the LIMBO as Tims band began to play the ""Steelers" fight song.  Meanwhile Joe Dubois and Mike Robinson were in Mikes garden admiring his

T-shirt that Sue W. sold him.  Dennis K. decided it looked great on him; but would look much better on the girls and decided to orchestrate a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST for all the girls of the 1968 class.  We can't all stand up to the likes of Pam Z. but we were all willing to

give them all the duct tape they needed to use as lift me ups.  Meanwhile the class of 68 women had other things in mind to show they still had a sound mind as they all broke out their cards and began to play old maid. Pam Z and Sue S shouted come on girls lets show them OUR

needlepoints and crafts.  "Which craft?" asked Jeff Behr and before he could blink, Rob K, Larry C, Sarah Palin and the Mayor were taking him into custody on charges of practicing Satanism, Devil Worship, Wicca and heresy.  As Jeff pleaded his innocence, Rob remonstrated him with the words, "And who besides a witch would have a cone head?" Larry C added, "Yeah-and wasn't it Jeff who had the hots for Elizabeth Montgomery?" While the Mayor chimed in with, "And we all know Beer is the devils brew-as if that name is an accident!"  While Sarah winked furiously, Jeff thought about the shape of witches hats, his surname and his life long crush on Samantha, he knew he had no choice except

to grab Bernadine Coppolo(Perman) throw her in his row boat and make his way down Oneida creek without a paddle,as they drifted down the creek they saw many cheering fans as they made a get away from the class of 68 fashion show,as they landed at their destination they were met by a group of rowdy

nuns, hellbent on showing them the way to redemption.  by way of the purple brick road. 

In the meantime Pastor Fuzz appeared bowing his head saying those Nuns, those Nuns, what will we ever do with those crazy old

buns of fun!  Now it's a little known fact, one that Priests like to keep to themselves, that Nuns are all endowed with magnificent buns, which they like to have spanked.  It was this very thing that had almost led Sue S into a convent, before she decided her destiny was with County Correctional facilities where she was known with a rather perverse sense of affection as Nurse Wetdream, a name she had earned by

the inmates.  As Sue S was doing the daily patrol she spotted Herbert cuffed to his cell door,and Theresa Kaier(May) standing over him with her leather whip,as she counted 1 2 3, Herbert

hopped, skipped and jumped each time she put a new stripe across his tender bottom. Meanwhile, back at Hento's Emporium of Left Footed Rock Gods, Bruce Stirling was trying to repair the damage done by some mindless vandals to the bust of Joyce Holdridge which adorned the entrance. Luckily, the rest of her was positioned inside, by the love beads exhibit and was unharmed. Rumor had it that the vandals were none other than the notorious.........

Mad Max Chmura gang, settling a vendetta Nan M.C. had held since a certain incident in 7th grade home edonomics class.  Back at jail, his tush almost raw from Theresas savage whipping, Herberta finally admitted to being a Herbert.  Oddly, Herberta had confessed to bewitching Jeff Behr on the condition that he be placed in an all female prison with no chance of parole.  While Herberta had enjoyed himself immensely sitting in a burka in the ladies shower room, the Honorable Mayor Pete had no choice but to release him since simply by being male, Herbert could not have been a genuine witch and by sheer logic known only to Vulcans and Hedglons, he could not have bewitched Jeff.  Discarding his burka, bandaging his whipped butt and flushing away the incriminating tissues, Herbert was again a free man.  

Back in the recording studio, Tim T and his Amazing R&R Polka Band made a fatal mistake-recording their versions of Disco greats from the 70's.  "Polka Duck" went nowhere and "I love the Night Life (I love to Polka)" sold only three copys. one to Tims mom, one to Alicia Bridges and one to 

Lulu,as she sang Tims favorite song "To Sir With Love". There was a hush over the inmates as Mark Wilgus appeared wearing only his speedo and slip ons.  The female prisoners including the famed white haired Mrs. Claus.  This is horrible exclaimed Pam Z as she stated if its fashion you want look at my pasties and nylons,as Bob V's eyes bugged out,he was thinking

and hoping that just one of those pasties may

turn into a cup cake so that he could dunk it in his coffee.  Bob V shouted I don't really care for pasties I want

"fireworks!"  Pam smiled and said, "I could show you rockets red glare!"  I  suddenly felt remorse thinking, "Pam is far too classy for this look, I think I'll find her some skin tight hot pants and a revealing halter top"

Meanwhile Tim decided to go for broke in order to make his way back to the top of the music charts.  He decided this time to fuse polka with country and changed his bands name to "County Tim Thomas and the Amazing Polka Cowboys"  Their first release was "I want to be a Polka Dancers Sweetheart" and it zoomed to the top of the Central NY charts, where it was heard by Rob K and Larry C.   It had little effect on them until they heard Tims "Polka yodel" which exorcised the evil influence of Sarah from their minds and made each long to hear more of Tims polka yodel over an ice cold beer with Jeff Behr at

Funkydunks boonedoggle,as they chugged their first ice cold one, in walks the Irish Leprechaun Dave McCleary doing a quick jig while doing shooters of Wild Turkey with orange pop chasers.  Jeff B was thinking this guy aint gonna out do me I'll just have to show him how to really

doing shooters while making a "banana split."

as Jeff B was finishing the split with a topping of whipped cream and cherries,Dave said look there's Doug Meyers he was holding his little finger up as he was showing everyone it had grown six inches over the years.  Dave Kinney stood up with a big smile and said  everyone follow me we're going UP FERNS for the week-end so everyone jumped to their feet and

off we went to UP FERNS. As we approached our destination at UP FERNS it was apparent the trail had ended and we all wondered..."Where The Hells The Horses"

Ozzy looked at dave as he inhaled and said,Horses? Hah dave they aint horses them there are mules.Meanwhile Bob V was wonderen where the heck

had Boyd S disappeared to.  His private vendetta against make out spots had ground to a halt, even while Herberta was safely locked up in a woman's prison wearing a burka.  Apparently, Boyd had taken time off to write a new book based on his theory that days are longer in summer and shorter in winter, because heat causes daylight to expand while cold cause daylight to contract.  Boyd thought, "This time-the Nobel prize is mine!"  It was Boyds most controversial theory since he hypothesized that global warming was a result of too much air being trapped in car tires.

Tim T was polka yodeling his way into wealth and acceptance on the South side as he was made both an honorary Pitman and Bates Ave Bomber, and now that he was rich and important he vowed to remember his roots, sending his mother, Sue S and Theresa K each an autographed photo of himself.

At the Legion, Pam finally made an appearance in her new look hot pants and revealing halter,

 and the Beach was overwhelmed with male tourists hoping for a photograph and never one to miss an opportunity Cathy C was selling 8x10 photos of Pam in