As I was taking a walk during the merry merry month of May I

stumbled upon the remnants of an old log cabin from the 1800's.

I could'nt believe my eyes,so I sat down and started reading this old book.  The title was "Something Like This."  The book was all about

picking up a pogo stick and taking a quick jump.  This was the funniest book

that Larry Carello has ever written.

So i'm still sittin here a readen and a thinkin how could Larry come up with a topic like

Pogo sticks when he was widely acknowledged as being an expert with yo yos, especially after his time at Annapolis where he had won several talent shows for his ability to "walk the dog"

It then dawned on the Lizard King, this wan't a book about Pogo sticks at all--it was Larrys brilliant allegory on how to balance the US Budget, bring peace to the middle east and a vicious attack on the policies of

Valdimir Putin.  Why I know that guy,he's from

VVS and got Tom Spadafora wasted the night before the big game for the OHS class of 67.

He probably would have done the same to Joe Dubois and Larry Carello for our class, if he had thought it would make any difference

But back to his book, Lizard never realized how thrilling Gross national Products could be until he  understood Larrys metaphors.  Before this, the Lizard Man had figured "Gross" National Product was stuff like Gay Porno movies.  Dennis was now inspired to run for Public office and he was determined not to be a one term wonder like a certain former Mayor.  He began to ponder the possibilities as to which office he should run for to save the USA when kathy Staaf suggested

politics I hate that, be a preist instead.  I thought  and thought some more but decided to

put on my trusty thong and cowboy boots and finish Larrys book.  But as Dennis read, he became drowsy and had a vision of himself as the next Pope.

When the Lizard Man awoke he shouted, "The heck with Saint Malachy" as he pictured himself seated in the Vatican with the name "Peter II" and his symbol-The Pogo Stick

But then he spotted a cold 12 pack of brew and thought, "The heck with it!"

Rob Kinsella then interrupted this story saying is made no sense for Larrys book to be old and found in an 1800's log cabin if he had just written it.  Since no one could explain this, the story quickly moved to the New Coneheads where Jeff Behr had just found an old dusty---

bottle of Boons farm wine. Oh hell Jeff replied life is great, retired once already moved to Florida,now I'm back in Oneida with a Great business partner I think I might just dance down Main street.  However I need to take a long chug of this newly found

can of "Billy Beer", which had somehow been safely preserved within the Boones farm bottle.  The last known can in existence in the greater Oneida area, Jeff either thought or knew nothing of it's value to an avid beer can collector such as Tim Thomas---who would have thought nothing of paying several thousand dollars for an intact can of Billy Beer vintage 1978.

As Jeff downed the beer he nearly threw up shouting "My God this beer is the piss!"  As he threw it in the trash, he was shocked to discover several hundred cases of the crap in a bomb shelter located just behind coneheads two.  "Damn" thought Jeff, "Even Lizard wouldn't drink this swill" as he loaded it into a rented u-haul truck and took it to the Madison county dump

Leaving the dump he was surprised to see

Dr Jim Bramley driving by with his beat up old van.  They both stopped laughing at each other.Jeff says hey Jim whats up,Jim replys Oh nothing much,just clearing out our bomb shelter of this old Boons Farm pee water.  I hear you had a bad taste in your mouth when you drank yours,so being a good doctor I decided not to take a chance.  Jeff replies I wish I knew about this stuff before I took that big chug,my mouth still tastes nasty and I feel like I have to puke everytime I think about that nasty pee bottle.

A few minutes went by when horns started honking and you will never guess who was behind them with a bong hanging out the window of his new VW beatle.  It looked like it was Ozzie,but it was'nt it was the Rev. (Gary Spraker) banging on his steering wheel shouting YOU've been saved,you've been saved,shouted out with a loud AMEN by Tom Tucker who was jumping up and down on his seat while wearing his hard hat so he would'nt hurt his head while banging on the ceiling.

Moments later the drums and trumpets of the OHS Marching band could be heard playing The Beer Barrel Polka followed with a solo of Mary Had A Little Lamb sung by none other than

Karen Kittsley Alvarez.  Just as Karen hit the last note she yanked her leash and before anyone could blink an eye appeared Larry,Gary and Joe(Winters,Campanie and Dubois). They did'nt look very

excited to be included in this story until they saw a sign announcing the grand opening of Pam Z's "Billy Beer Ice Cream Parlor"

Shocked at the thought of paying $5 for an ice cream cone--they changed their minds when they saw Pams Faux Black Leather sun dress.  After paying for their cones they all exclaiimed, "Hot Damn!  This is the best cone we've ever had!"

Wiley Pam snickered to herself as she thought of the cases of Billy Beer silly Jeff had tossed away at the dump. It had taken her a while to transport all the beer back to Oneida in her Cooper mini, but remembering the days of pouring Billy Beer on her ice cream, her all time favorite dessert, she knew Billy Beer ice cream would be a success.   Knowing her stash was limited, she had hired Boyd Schaffer and Herbert Myers to discover the formula for Billy Beer.  If she could recreate this ancient elixer-she knew she could put Coneheads II out of business and finally get even with jeff Behr for

not being made  a silent partner in Jeffs new Coneheads 11 

   After a strange thought of Sue Sochen (Welty) sunbathing naked along Sconandoha Creek in her black golf shoes Donna Aber decided it was time to

listen to the Indigo Girls.  As the music filled her senses she began to relax and soon she fell asleep and began to have vivid dreams of an erotic encounter with

Tiny Tim.  There appeared to be no Tulips in this dream but a whole load of

tuna skins,mushrooms and empty cans of Billy Beer. Donna was awakened from a sour taste of cranberries that she bought at the

old Rome State School in Rome,NY.  Donna was just visiting

with the site director when out of the blue walks Bernadine Coppolo (Perham) and Ozzie.  Ozzie was pulling a little sail boat and was holding a orange tootsie roll pop. Bernadine was laughing so hard that she started to

snort and have spasms.  Having seen "The Exorcist" mnore than 100 times, Lizard knew this was a sure sign of demonic possession.  With no noly water available, Dennis did the best that he could and doused Bernadine with a cup of hot coffee.  As Bernadine screamed in pain, Dennis shouted back, "Out you evil spirits!"

As Bernadie contined shrieking in pain, the Lizard man decided there was only one thing left to do, he got on his cell phone and called Rush Limbaugh.  After listening to Dennis, Rush shouted, "Sounds like she's possessed by some foul liberal spirits straight from the pit of San Francisco.  You need to get in touch with Tim Thomas to find a California exorcist as quick as you can!"

After thinking about the cost of a call to Death Valley where Tim now lived with his harem of politically correct (aka submissive) women, Dennis did the wise thing and sent Tim an e-mail. 

As luck would have it, at that moment Pam Z strolled by in a leather mini skirt and Dennis forgot all about Bernadine as he followed Pam up the street drooling and

tripping over his untied tennis shoes. Damn lizard thought,if I follow her to far I may become

another one of her mindless viagra zombies.  Lizard thought of the consequences and choices-being Pams zombie sex toy or exorcising liberal demons.  It was a no brainer, he chose as any true blooded American male would choose--and began jogging towards Pam when he was tackled by Kevin Patricia who had vowed to never allow any reasonably sane male to become a sex zombie for Pam ever again.

As Lizards body was engulfed by raging Testosterone, Kevin knew there was only one solution as he quicly pulled out his rare centerfold of Nancy Pelosi and made Dennis stare at the picture which quickly subdued the Pam effect.

It also helped that Pam was now out of Dennis's sight as she was heading towards a rendezvous with

the true Conehead man Jeff Behr. Pam was thinking I'll show that Jeff Behr what a real milk shake is all about.The two finally met ,turned toward Kevin and threw him a real bird. The lizard man not to be out done threw a cup cake that was just intercepted by Nan Mulroy (Chmura). Nan looked toward

her right leaned forward lifted her right leg and let out a long loud

Scream, "Max get away from her before you become a mindless viagra sex zombie!"

A very surprised and very busted Max turned sheepishly away from the leather clad fox from the class of 69.  Kevin Patiricia was very happy to see Max turn and head back towards Nan as he still hadn't recovered from his last flying tackle.

"What the hell did you think you were doing Max?" demanded Nan

Max replied, "Nothing my little pooh bear--ummm--I was going to get a Billy Beer ice cream from Jeff?"

Surprisinglly, Nan bought this line of BS and purred, "Oh How could I ever doubt you.  C'mon Maxi Taxi-you can take me for a ride!"

Max smiled, Nan smiled, Kevin smiled--but Pam stood with her hands on her hips and defiantly declared, If anybody besides Bob and Dennis are reading this crap, it's about time they added a line or two!"

To everyones surprise,

no one showed up so the damn story continues.  Rob Kinsella said looks like everyone in the class has just about given up,so now I can finally cancel the

the Sunday brunches that are just about bankrupting me!

Then Dennis had a great idea--he thought--geez--anyone readiing this could just type "Aye" if they want the story and brunches to continue

so we waited patiently for the first soul brave enough to admit they were reading this story, as we headed to Robs for a free meal

the dog barfed and the cat ran away.  Oh my exclaimed Bill Eastman,this place stinks I think I'll just go over to

Harry Hairbag's hostel for homely horses. Harry, a good friend of Laura Wilson, was looking for a horsesitter so he could jump on that bargain summer getaway to Yemen for $85.00 he saw in the Penny Pinch Saver last week. Hoping to entice a lovely lady into coming along with him, he set his unremitting radar sights on.....

Mary Vibbert as she stomped her heavy feet in a magical motion and they both flew over the coocoos nest and landed in the parking lot of the old Red Barn in Old Forge.  Hell Mary exclaimed this place is still the best place to get a quick

rub down and a bowl of maccaroni and cheese at the same time.  Curt Newman was so happy he got to sell Kevin Patricia a new life insurance policy he decided to go out and take a flying leap from the tower at

Fenway Park  better known as "The Green Monster"-but foolishly, he showed up at Boston in a Yankees cap and jacket.  Surrounded by insane Red Sox fans who screamed, "Crucify him!"--Curt was finally tied up in his own Yankees jacket, thrown onto a hay wagon and taken to Salem, where he was put on trial for witchcraft  Demanding a trial  by his peers, the Judge laughed scornfully and said, "Wiccan seed of the Evil Empire--there are no other Yankee fans here!"  Then the trial commenced, the prosecutor Beantown Gail Reitz put the Yankee hat on Curts head and declared, "The Prosecution rests its case!"  The jury was then sequestered for about 2 seconds when they came back with a verdict of "Guilty as Hell"  Curt was then sentenced to be impaled on a dull harpoon when

The former Mayor and new advisor to Mayor Matzke came to his aid stating I'm not in the mood to hand out a harse sentence today.  I think we need to call Bill Kroth and get all those antique cars of his and drag race down the Oxbow.  When we finish there, it will be time for Joe Ariglio to start serving up his famous bisquits and peanut butter sandwiches.

While taking another walk I came upon Joe Hornby and Barb Campbell smoking a great big fat

Pig at Joes Smoke House.  Barb had went there thinking it was a place where she could enjoy a cigarette.  Not that she smoked, but dedicated libertarian that she was, she was determined to crusade against any form of government intervention in our private lives. Showing Joe her libertarian credentials, he wasn't very impressed saying he didn't even like to read.

At that moment, Herbert Myers and PETA arrived, to protest the smoking of the pig, who Herbert rightly pointed out, had never asked to be slaughtered and smoked.  Barb was aghast telling Herbert he had no right to interfere in Joes private life, while Herbert was equally upset saying Barb and Joe  had no right to violate the pigs rights.  It seemed like a stalemate between the two crusaders when Rob Kinsella showed up and asked, "Joe is that pig ready for my free Sunday Brunch yet?"

Hearing the magic words, "Freee Sunday Brunch"-Herbert and Barb decided the whole matter wasn't worth fighting about as Herbert began flamenco dancing to  Barbs acoustic version of John Lennons "Gimme Some Truth" when the PETA crowd who had accompanied Herbert began to

flop on the ground doing the "Bug". Never one to miss an opportunity, homeless Grove Havener whipped out his butterfly net to scoop up all the loose change falling out of the pockets of the faithful as they wiggled and squirmed to the mournful beat being played. Seeing all the cash Grove was collecting, Jackie Warren & Sharron Jellerson immediately contracted John Peck to set up a hit on Grove to relieve him of his hard won earnings. Seeing an easy mark, John hired

none other than Jimmy Soriano know for his quick hands and fancy foot work.  Scott Walter appeared and stated oh no not that ass hole again,to which Jimmy replied hey look your not to big to be hit either.  As the crowd appeared to see the good old ass whopping contest ,Bonnie Cole (Gerwig) and Melanie Clark asked that they get a first hand

shake from Pete Hedglon who was beginning his new campaign to retake city hall.  As a crowd of 6 or 7 people gathered round Pete he sneered at Jim and Scott and chortled, "That's Democrats for you!"

As the "crowd" broke out in hysterical laughter, Pete decided to drop his bombshell, as he announced, "Elect me Mayor again and I promise to make Oneida the nudist colony capital of the United States, legalize marijuana and totally eliminate all property and school taxes!"

Hearing about Pete's speech in California Tim T shouted, "Hell's bells!  Oneida here I come!"

Soon, Pete had donations for his campaign flowing in from the entire country-and he decided to make a last stand for his conservative principles as he announced, "In keeping with the intent of our founding fathers and the US constitutional right to bear arms, I promise every household in Oneida their very own nuclear bomb!"

Half way from California to New York-Tim now began to have second thoughts

Pete's campaign manager, John Brophy then asked, "Pete where the hell are we getting nukes from?"

Pete didn't reply, but John noticed Boyd Shaffer and John Myers grinning maniacally as

as they donned turbans and whistled for their camels. Once mounted, they lit out for parts unknown leaving Pete standing there slack jawed and perplexed as hell. Shifting gears in his super conductor like brain, he made a snap judgement which surprised all who know him and even himself. Pete decided to fire his current campaign manager and called in none other than.....

Bob Page.  Pete figured-anyone who has less of a chance of being elected than a snowball in hell--and still manages to get 26 votes must be the worlds greatest political strategist

With Bob as the brains and Pete as the charisma--a landslide victory seemed inevitable.  As Pete began his countdown to his triumphant return to city hall, Rob Kinsella arrived with bad news-Pete's campaign fund was wiped out after buying a box of pencils engraved "Peter Power" to be given away at planned rallys.  Meanwhile Petes wife moaned, "Oh my God--is that the best slogan you could come up with?"

Desperate for funding Pete and Rob got together with Bob and decided the best way to raise money was to embezzle the funds donated to keep this page going.  Sadly, the $11. had already been spent and Rob had actually used  several thousand dollars from his trust fund to pay for this site and  to provide free Sunday brunches.  Petes legal mind began whirling like a howling dervish and he shouted, "Eureka Rob--now  you can write off your losses as a political contribution!"

All  seemed to be going well till Pete's campaign  secretary and Nurse, Sue Sochan looked at her new pencil-and decided it was time she started planning her campaign to become Oneidas first female mayor--all  she had to do was let nancy Pelosi get one look at "Peter Power" and her campaign chest would be as overflowing as a AAA bra on Dolly Parton

Sue decided her campaign would be built around a promise of an open door policy--and with that in mind she ordered hundreds of boxes of her own pencils to be engraved, "Open is Power"--however due to slightly sloppy handwriting, when she received her pencils, they were engraved "O Penis Power"

Luckily for all--the election was still a long ways off, but Bruce Wright wasn't, as he demanded

equal rights to join the funky race of Mayor.  Bruce said the two slogans being used were from the old school so he decided to use "BOTTOMS UP".  Having that thought in mind made him so thirsty he decided to stop in at The Pines Tavern on his way to the Boxing Hall Of Fame.  Bruce decided he'd sit right at the bar where everyone could see him.  The order for a dozen shots of ginger brandy was called,as each was hoisted a cry of BOTTOMS UP  could be heard all over Canastota.  Oh crap I'm in the wrong city, so he jumped onto the bar and said someone call me a cab please.

As Bruce left the watering hole he notice he had taken a

large plastic bag of "Oregano" marked "Oz" with him.  Being a good citizen and amatuer Sherlock Holmes, Bruce deduced that the Oregano marked Oz had to be from Chittenango, so he decided to return it to it's rightful owners. No sooner had his cab entered the village limits when Bill Eastman blocked his path with a hummer backed up by several tanks and at least one helicopter.

Bruce was startled, not really expecting a hero's welcome simply for returning Oregano to it's rightful owner.  But when Bill slapped cuffs and a ball and chain on Bruce and shouted, "We've got the killer weed!"  Bruce politely said, "I think it's more of an herb than a weed!"  Bill then thumped Bruce a couple of times with a billy club and said, "Listen weed pimp-you're about to take a long vacation courtesy of the New York State Prison system"

"Well it's about time," huffed bruce, "I haven't had a decent vacation in years!"

Bill was about to thump Bruce again when he noticed "Oz"--"Oh my God," thought Bill, "I've just caught

the man that invented Miracle Grow the weed producer like no other.  This is just a really great catch.  If only Dave Smith were here I'd let him try spraying some of this on his fishing line just to see if he can produce a real fish tale worth talking about. 

Mean while Carl Elliott thought it was time to get back down to earth after living in those Mountains all these years.  However he called Dave Kinney for directions on how to rebuild a 1969 Road Runner as he wanted to enter it into the Utica Rome Speedway drag races.  This was a new hobbie that Carl picked up while reading as he sat on the throne doing his daily

rub downs.RUB DOWNS ?

Well it was'nt long after Carl finished his daily chores when Marl Cavanaugh entered the picture with his excitement having just finished watching  the 100th episode of Beaver Clever. Mark was holding a big glass of egg nog when he suddenly let out with a big

screech, as a giant floating head that looked remarkably like Jim Cheesman floated by. Just then, John Orcutt stumbled in the door, glanced at Mark and then at the floating imagery and said "you're having headcheese with your eggnog?"  With that, Mark lurched forward and lost his cookies all over big John's new pair of size 53 clown shoes he'd just bought off of Bozo's brother....Beano. Understandably, John was a tad upset and immediately began whipping shaving creme pies at Mark. Hearing all the commotion coming from Mark's place, the Bates Ave Bombers began to mobilize for an assault on the perpetrator. Raising his 1814 fake cavalry sword in preparation for the charge,

The fight was on.  John Bowe grabbed Rob Kinsella by his