Group Therapy Session


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, D1ck, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

I lost in a pub quiz by one point. The question was.......Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently it's Africa.

Life's Lessons


[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his leg are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...........But I was wrong, too!"

Grandpa & Viagra
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table and the mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

“What happened, Grandpa?”, he was asked by his concerned children.

“Well,” he answered, “I don't really know.. I had to go to the bathroom.”

“So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!”

What is old?

The wisdom of kids

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. - Hannah, age 9

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, age 14

Stay away from prunes. - Randy, age 9

Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13

Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, age 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, age 11

Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, age 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12

A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. - Andrew, age 9

Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, age 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, age 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, age 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, age 8

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, Texas, has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

Wow...thanks, Don, for all the jokes...they are great!

Since you liked those, here's a few more

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it.

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of Brisbane Business men, who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went to the shopping area to pick up a few things at the supermarket.
A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.
She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, But they wanted her anyway.
The fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted.

The Love Dress

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

Milk Bath

Some years ago, a blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman said, "Pasteurised?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

The New Adventures of Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping down a path in a forest when she saw the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. 'My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf,' said Little Red Riding Hood.

At the sound of her voice, the wolf jumped up and ran away.

Farther down the path Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again. This time he was crouched behind a tree stump. 'My what big ears you have Mr Wolf,' said Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumped up and ran away.

About two miles down, Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. 'My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf,' taunted Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and bellowed, 'Sod off, will you? I'm trying to take a shit.'

How He Met His Wife

A man was at a pub one evening, telling the bartender of how he met his wife at a brothel.

'You shouldn't be unhappy about that,' said the barkeep. 'It actually sounds kind of romantic.'

'Oh really?' challenged the customer. 'Well, I thought she was at home taking care of the kids, and she thought I was out bowling.'

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Emma Sue died during the night, and her husband Buddy called 911.
The 911 operator told Buddy that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Buddy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Buddy said, "How 'bout if I just drag her over to Oak Street."

Redneck Computer Terms

Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.