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Took a pay-as-you-go tour of the area community colleges. As such, I have several degrees that I don't use, developed a taste for dark beer as well as a general contempt for humanity, and hung around the likes of Pete Worley, Toby Yeager, and Mike Vandervert.
Shortly after my 25th birthday, I was excavating in the mountains of Peru when I was abducted by a group of gun-toting stoat ranchers. After my much-celebrated escape, I resumed my one true passion which is genetic engineering. I have been a dedicated on-again off-again gene splicer ever since. My latest success has been my work in chicken/ bituminous coal genome sequencing/splicing. I see great potential in chicken that can be physiologically induced to burst into flame and grill itself. Time will tell.
Shortly after winning Daytona in 1997, I embarked on the mutual pursuits of Tofu Ballistics Research and Clothing-Optional Mountaineering, both of which are my true passions to this day. Our motto for our climbing squad is "All we need is some rope, some zinc oxide, and a smile."
My first foray into the world of big business was as an okra farmer, my one true passion, in the Gobi desert, which turned out to be difficult right from the start. After 2 years my research grant expired during which time I found that okra species tend to favor damp areas.
During this time I had also studied the Grand Unified Theory that had flummoxed all physicists to that point. After 2 months of intense concentration in this area of Theoretical Physics (an area of study which is my one true passion), I found that the correct answer was already divined by the eminent philosopher Douglas Adams and is , in fact, 42.
Several months later, I began my lecture series concerning Cartesian Dualism and how it affects digestion. This ended abruptly when, after being invited to give a dissertation at Cambridge, I became entangled in a heated discussion with Dr. Steven Hawking. Shortly thereafter a fistfight ensued in which I lost. Steven and I still are not speaking to each other as a result.
After that setback, I was employed briefly as an elephant trainer by a former Balkan republic, which one I am not at liberty to say. During a drunken evening in a tavern in Oslo, I was approached by an operative and asked about a solution to a problem concerning a stealthy attack on a neighboring country. Remembering the tales of Hannibal I said, " Elephants". Unfortunately, the ones who didn't freeze to death ended up rampaging through a quaint little village inside the operatives own country. There were no survivors.
In order to clear my mind of my recent disastrous failures, I enrolled in school to pursue Mechanical Engineering Technology, Computer Aided Drafting, and Welding Fabrication, all of which are my true passions to this day. During this time, I spent several days revisiting my true passion of squaring the circle...a mathematical puzzle that had been explored since the time of the ancients. After nearly six days I finally arrived at the surprisingly simple conclusion. The results were summarily published in the March 1997 issue of Iguanas and Railguns monthly.
During most of 1998, I traveled extensively across Europe on an electric unicycle I designed myself. During this time I managed to purchase the silver encased skull of Rene DeCartes in an auction. I treasured it as quite possibly the most beautiful paperweight I've ever owned. Unfortunately, I lost it in a late-night cutthroat game of Go-Fish in Belfast. I woke up late the next morning wearing a Day-Glo Chartreuse Speedo, one white patent-leather shoe and a matching aviator's scarf. Remembering what to do from the last time this had happened, I managed to secure passage to the East. I followed the teachings of a guru in Mombai. To this day I still ardently adhere to the inspiration I receive from the "Ned-Ching".
Later I started up a synchronized waterskiing team in the Sahara region. Try as we may, we only managed a third place in International competition. I wasn't angry, but I was disappointed.
I had always wanted to join the ranks of the professionals in the world of high stakes street backgammon. The rules are the same, but there is a one-million dollar buy-in, weapons are allowed for "rules interpretations", and ambulances are on standby. After six full seasons of competition I found myself down to my last 78 cents and thus began wandering the mean streets of Outer Mongolia. Finding employment in a yak cheese dairy, I settled down for awhile. Through a series of heroic paddleball victories, I was made chieftan of the little village of Mayuk Qut' Ichen where I lived. Over the course of several winters we managed to put together a militia along the lines of the Early Hoardes of antiquity. We haven't set a date of the first scheduled attack, but we keep in touch through carrier musk ox. China will be SO surprised.
I felt the urge to roam again, this time continuing east until I reached the Kamchatka peninsula. I managed to hitch a ride on an outbound Russian fishing vessel. The work was hard, the nights were cold but we kept working as the Vodka poured. After a particularly sodden evening, I was tied upside down to the radio mast and pelted with live Cod. Eventually I was forcibly "exchanged" (nearly thrown overboard) in trade for 2 pair of Levi's and a John Tesh CD.
I was transported to Alaska and while staying with family, began training for the Iditarod. I won 2 successive years (1999 and 2000). While up North, I also helped arrange a metal concert in Toktoyaktuk near the Arctic Circle, and we managed to attract the likes of Metallica and others. Unfortunately after the show, I was the only one left to clean up. I finished nearly two years later.
I later traveled south down through Canada and wound up back in Spokompton. Upon my arrival, I returned to my one true passion by concluding a proof to Goldbach's Last Conjecture. I have yet to hear from the Nobel Committee. I managed to write a bestselling book on the long-term care and breeding of Mayflies and even managed to live off of the proceeds for a couple years.
During my book signing tour of America, I became swept up in the festivities of Sturgis 2003. I was crowned (for some still as yet unclear reason) both "Grand National Hill Climb Champion" as well as "Miss Buffalo Chip".
That is where my longtime friend (and now wife) Laura found me..outstretched on pile of broken beer bottles wearing only a pair of stained seersucker slacks, two different left sandals, and a pair of sunglasses with one lens missing. She cleaned me up and brought me back to Spokaloo.
After dating for a couple years and against her best rational judgment as well as against the advice of her family and friends (and now that I think of it MY family and friends as well) we were married. We settled in a home out west of Cheney, where one can hear the lilting nighttime sounds of the frogs, crickets, coyotes, and the unhinged laughter from the incidental escaped "resident" from the nervous hospital down the way.
I am currently building my one true passion, a particle accelerator. Unable to obtain zoning rights, I am quietly digging the 54 mi. main accelerator ring under all of my neighbor's properties. Final phase of construction should be completed early June 2214.
