Retirement Prose

This page was established so that classmates can send in their personal stories about RETIREMENT or stories that come to them from various sources.  If you have such a retirement story that you would like to share with other classmates, please feel free to send that story to website administrator, Roger Johnson, as an email attachement, to  He will add it to the list.  These stories are meant to be humorous and/or informative.  Enjoy the prose...

Story #1:

                                      Friends Day

 One day I had lunch with some old friends. Jim, a short, balding
 golfer type, about 85-years old, came along with them; all in all, it
 was a pleasant bunch.

 When the menus were presented, my friends and I ordered salads,
 sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, "A large piece of
 home-made apple pie, heated please."
 I wasn't sure my ears heard him right, and the others were aghast,
 when Jim continued, completely unabashed...."along with two large
 scoops of vanilla ice cream."
He tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time,
 but when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy eating mine.
 I couldn't take my eyes off of Jim as I watched him savoring each
 bite of his pie a-la-mode. The other guys just grinned in disbelief as
 they silently ate their lunches.
 The next time I went out to eat, I called Jim and invited him to join
 me. I lunched on a white meat tuna sandwich, while he ordered a
 chocolate parfait. Since I was chuckling, he wanted to know if he
 amused me.
 I answered, "Yes, you certainly do, but you also confuse me. How come
 you always order such rich desserts, while I feel like I must be
 sensible in my food choices?"
 He laughed and said "I'm tasting all that is possible for me to
 taste. I try to eat the food I need and do the things I should in order
 to stay healthy, but life's too short, my friend. I hate missing out on
 something good. This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I've
 never been this old before, so, while I'm still here, I've decided it's
 time to try all those things that, for years, I've been ignoring."
 He continued, "I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too
 many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf
 down and kites to be flown overhead.”
 "There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at
 all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips
 and cokes.”
 "I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want
 to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.”
 "I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want
 un-timed long distance calls to the one I love the most.”
 "I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning
 rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.”
 "So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then
 should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I
 missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final
 piece of pie before my life expired."
 With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind," I
 said. "I want what he's having, only add some more whipped cream!"
 This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! Live well,

 love much, & laugh often - Be happy and enjoy doing whatever your

 heart desires. You only go around once on this crazy planet.
 Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or
 prestige, but on relationships with people we like, respect, and enjoy
 spending time with.
 Remember that while money talks, ICE CREAM SINGS!



Story #2:


(by anonymous)


Retirement finally arrived seven years ago.  Me and the wife moved into a development for seniors in Florida.  We're living in the "Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath, Recreation & Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee”.  Before retirement our biggest worry was time management: What were we going to do all day?  Worry no longer!  Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.


Here’s the routine: We get up at six, spend a hour having a shower, getting dressed and making the bed. After a bowl of oatmeal, prunes and three cups of coffee we take our pills… about 13 of ‘em every day.  Then it’s time to join the Walk-N-Fart Club.  There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we trudge around Lake Fake-a-Hachee, talking all at once.  After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower again and change for the day’s activities.  Our development has some late risers who stay in bed until 7:30.  They start their day reading the paper for an hour then taking another couple hours to do the crossword puzzle.  


My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.  I put on my "Ask me about my Grandchildren" T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.  Before we know it, it's time for lunch.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot… on Thursdays I play golf with our league of about 35 old geezers.


We go to Costco to consume the tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets.  All free!  After a filling lunch, we go to see our doctor.  If it’s a day without an appointment, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or buy an imported Rolex watch for $4.99. 


The hours of the day just fly by.  Getting out of our car takes 15 minutes.  Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes.  It takes a half-hour to get through the check-out line in Wal-Mart; another hour to return the thing the next day.


We're usually back home by three so we can take a nap and get ready for dinner.  We spent $40,000 remodeling our kitchen last year so we go out for the early bird specials around 3:30 pm… my wife doesn’t like to cook anymore.  We go out to eat every day because of the big portions that are served.  We take home enough left-overs for the next day's lunch... including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.  Our neighbors don’t go out, they stay home for their four o’clock Happy Hour, complete with CostoCo snacks.


We get home by five so we can watch Fox news by six and Wheel of Fortune at seven.  After passing out in our lounge chairs off and on for the next couple hours, it’s time to get ready for bed.  That takes another hour or so.  Four or five times each night we get up to pee.  Then it's time to stay up and start a new day all over again.


Doctor-related activities eat up a lot of our time.  I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting rooms, so I don't mind.  Calling for test results also helps the days fly by.  It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party.  Sometimes they forget we're holding and the whole office goes off to lunch.


Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.  Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help.  I myself am a volunteer for "The Vertically Challenged Over 80.”  I coach their basketball team… The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor.  You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.


Food shopping, by the way, is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves.  There’s lots of foods they've never tasted.  After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars.  Volunteers always help them.  The lost are easy to spot wandering around the parking lot while their melting ice-cream drips out of their grocery bag.


Remember, it's important to choose a retirement development with an impressive name.  Italian names are very popular in Florida.  They convey images of world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray 's Condos or the Lakes of Venice?  Actually, there's no difference... they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a real cheap bastard.