Comments:
It’s been a long time, here are some things you may not know or have forgotten about me.
Origin
My Mom was Welsh and my Dad was Hungarian . . . That makes me Well-Hung.
I was born Cesarian . . . You can’t really tell just by looking at me although, every time I leave the house, I go out through a window.
Appearance
I’m 5’-9” barefoot . . . 6’-8” with 11” heels. Actually I’m 4’-9” on my left side and 5’-3” on my right . . . friends call me Ilene. I’m mostly bald with one wandering glass eye, completely blind in the other. My best feature is the football-sized goiter on the side of my neck. I try to stay in shape, average proportions . . . With 40 hours more per week at the gym, I’d be REALLY buff. Everything works . . . I checked it this morning.
Occupation
Was an Architect for about 9 years, made no money, became a Home Inspector. Because of the recession and a weak economy I’ve climbed DOWN the ladder of success. My hope is to some day be promoted from “Men’s Room Attendant” at Wal-Mart to “Chief Urinal Cake Inspector” at the Greyhound Bus Terminal.
My Hobbies
I collect the erasers for all those miniature golf pencils and catalog my toenail clippings in my free time. Don’t have a lot of free time . . . My “Missing a Chromosome” encounter group meets 3 nights a week.
Religious Beliefs
There must be a God because all my pictures look the same on Etch-a-Sketch.
Recent Travels and Vacation Spots
My wife and I vacation separately . . . Its more fun that way.
I visited Gilligan’s Island and spent a week with Ginger & Mary Ann on the hammock then it was off to Cocoa Beach where I spent a few days with Jeanie on the round, pink sofa inside her bottle. Good times.
My wife had a working vacation . . She went back to her old job as “Roadie” for REO Speed Wagon . . . She’s still not back yet.
My Wife, Sonya
I married “Miss Right” . . . just didn’t know that her first name was “Always”. Seriously though, my wife is a Babe . . . just ask anybody that hung out at “Christopher’s” in the late 80’s . . . actually we met in a Laundromat where we spent the evening washing our under things together . . . watching them go round and round in the same dryer . . . then we got naked and chased each other around the place in those canvas laundry carts . . . No one there seemed to mind too much.
My Kids
Jesus, what a pain in the ass THEY are. Nichole is perfect in every way . . . just ask her. One time, I bet my son Jordan he couldn’t hit the ceiling fan with a plum . . . That was a mistake.
If I could have one wish granted . . .
I’d like to be invisible. That way, when I visit the changing rooms at “Victoria’s Secret” I’ll go un-noticed. Right now, I get in a lot of trouble for that.
Major influences in my life . . . My Dad
Best advice was given to me by my Dad (who’s no longer alive) . . . He said, “Michael, Please don’t fart in Shul anymore“.
Other important people in my life . . .
George Carlin, Steve Martin, David Copperfield, Drew Carey & Steven Wright
Many thanks to those folks for writing this.
Oh, and Farrah Fawcett and Larry the Cable Guy.
