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Julie Brown 8-3-2014

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

 

Men Are Just Happier People --

 

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

 

Your last name stays put.

 

The garage is all yours.

 

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 

Chocolate is just another snack...  

 

You can never be pregnant.

 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

 

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 

The world is your urinal.

 

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

Wrinkles add character.

 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, 
or mangle your feet.

 

One mood all the time.

 

Phone conversations are over 
in 30 seconds flat.

 

You know stuff about tanks.

 

A five-day vacation requires 
only one suitcase.

 

You can open all your own jars.

 

If someone forgets to invite you,

 

He or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 

Everything on your face stays 
its original color.

 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, 
even decades.

 

You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life.

 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- 
one color for all seasons.

 

You can wear shorts no matter 
how your legs look.

 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

 

You have freedom of choice 
concerning growing a mustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

 

___________________________________

 

Men Are Just Happier People

 

NICKNAMES

 

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 

 

EATING OUT

 

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

 

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!

 

 

MONEY

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

 

BATHROOMS

 

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

 

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

 

ARGUMENTS

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

 

FUTURE

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

 

MARRIAGE

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

 

DRESSING UP

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

 

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

 

NATURAL

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

 

OFFSPRING

 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

Dead Duck.... hared by Gary Utley  11-11-2013

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Paraprodokians

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.   Enjoy!  

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.  

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to Wal Mart)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.