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Bill Butler
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SENIOR: BECOMING A CRITICAL-THINKER
I wanted to finish my narrative on Murphy’s Official Laws (previous post) but was sidetracked by some important “honey do” errands. Then I realized that getting old had its benefits and I needed to address them first. Sure, we can’t jog our normal 15-miles a day, and can now lift only 120-lbs. one-handed like we did last year (har har har!), but the reciprocity of becoming decrepit, er, I mean older, is offset by getting smarter, right? Doctors tell us that brain cells don’t age! (forget the plague problem). Let me explain why this is significant.
Every day we learn something new, meaningful, and tactical, and hence are better able to critically analyze with keener insight into what the heck is going on in a fast-changing world. As kids we cheered for the cowboys. As adults we cheer for the Indians. That’s because our brains are still maturing. It follows that Seniors are theoretically the smartest folks around, right? I contend that Seniors are being grossly underestimated for their advanced cognitive development. Don’t believe me? OK, here are some personal examples. This may be a little way too long, but it is important stuff that really bugs me, and I really need to vent.
I started the day watching the 2-minutes of TV news after the 12-minutes of ads for pharmaceuticals, pickup trucks, and ocean voyages. Because of my increasing age and expanding world experiences, I can now clearly see the stupid mistakes all these advertisers are making. The drugs have so many deleterious side effects, ….everything from perpetual dizziness, paranoia, and aphasia, up to and including premature and permanent rigor mortis. I wonder who the subjects were that got paid to test these chemicals! The pamphlets on these Rx’s are tomes. Anyone who actually reads the fine print (yeah, right!) on these unpronounceable Rx’s would be shocked. Either a glass of milk of magnesia, a shot of PeptoBismol, a bottle of kaopectate, …WAIT!... maybe it’s a prune, banana, and a super-ripe avocado chased by a bowl of hot chicken noodle soup that are unequivocally much much better medicines… and absolutely much much cheaper.
The truck ads showed high-speed reckless driving through rivers, snow fields, sand dunes, etc. The more mud splashing and the ripping up of the environment, the better. Really? They drove so fast you can’t even get a good look at the vehicle. The one I like is the truck going up the mountain at 45-deg….. but the trees in the background are slanted 30-deg. Hey, ya can’t fool me! Even a 4-wheel-drive has trouble on a 10-deg. slope! I know, I live on one. And 4-WD doesn’t work going downhill. The next time you go test-drive a truck, ask the young salesperson if you can drive it the way the ad shows. I know what the answer is. Seniors can see through these exaggerations quite easily. You know what I mean.
Then I saw a TV ad that said, “BUT WAIT! WAIT! Get a second one absolutely free!” OK, now is there really any difference between something that is absolutely free and just free? They’re wasting valuable airtime. Do they think we’re dummies? WAIT! Don’t answer that. Then the weather report came on. A reporter was standing (leaning) in a hurricane with objects flying past her at 175-mph! Again, what is going on here?! We Seniors know what hurricanes look like and don’t need to see reporters get hit with horizontally flying cars, boats, trees, fish, and squirrels. You don’t see reporters standing in the middle of forest fires, buildings collapsing in earthquakes, raging rivers, or tornado funnels, so why hurricanes? And you certainly don’t see Seniors flaunting hurricanes like that! These absolutely dumb reporters need to absolutely grow up!
After scoffing and sneering at these phony ads and outrageous news bites, my honey-do mission was to go buy groceries. As I was going out the door my nagging wife asked who I was yelling at. I said, “Idiots, they’re all freaking idiots – just ask any Senior! Seniors can spot bogus BS instantly! And furthermore, don’t ever end a sentence with a preposition, OK?”
At the grocery self-service register the lady who hides under the register kept saying, “Place your item in the checkout area. Place your item in the checkout area. Place your item in the checkout area. Place your item in the checkout area. Place your item in the checkout area….” I kicked the door under the register and said, “HEY BITC--... er, Hey lady! Knock it off will ya! Tell your supervisor to give you a glass of water and some exercise, and maybe a strong sedative!” People started staring at me, so I just paid and hurried to my next errand.
At the hardware store I was suppose to get some electrical and plumbing gadgets. The clerk kept asking me whether I wanted the male or female half. HUH? I cleverly pulled out my book, Some Serious Steamy and Sizzling Sex Scenarios for Over Sixty Seniors, and responded with some apparently rather embarrassing remarks to show that getting old is commensurate with getting smarter. Well…. the young clerk was rolling on the floor laughing and I never did get my parts. Enough said.
I must warn you… once you start critically thinking about everyday stuff, you can’t quit, and the better you get – the more experiences, the more smarts. It’s addictive. My wife was watching a movie, so after putting the groceries away I also began watching. It showed a man walk up to a front door and knock. Within 1.2-seconds, someone answered it. I screamed, “What?! No way! In every darn movie where the doorbell is rung, someone answers in 1.2-1.8-seconds. That’s not real! That’s BS!! People just don’t stand by their front doors waiting! And why is someone always home when the Pickers drive up to a junkyard, huh?!” My nagging wife told me to calm down and go feed the dog and take the trash out and sweep the deck and water the plants and take a cold shower.
Then this film showed a detective doing covert surveillance on a house. He parked directly across the street. Hey, I was a senior investigator (seriously) for Wackenhut (largest security firm in the world) for 5-years and this is nonsense beyond the pale! More blatant blarney BS! Anonymous lone males sitting with binoculars in red cars or unmarked vans with tinted windows doing nothing for hours in upscale neighborhoods is NOT COOL nor covert. Then the movie showed someone driving to the center of a crowded megalopolis mid-day and immediately parking directly next to the front door. Sure! Yeah! There is always an empty parking space next to the entrance of banks, courthouses, museums, office buildings, and police stations. My wife had to pull me off the wall! I left scratch marks and will have to re-do the wallpaper now. Oh heck! I don’t recommend this movie. – The Three Stooges might be more appropriate if you want real entertainment. I think my next career will be movie reviewer and super critic. Why is it that only Seniors can recognize what’s real and what’s fantasy BS from the git-go?
My last errand was to deposit a check at the bank. I always do my banking inside rather than at the drive-up window…. probably because if there is an armed robbery, I can always be a good witness. Yes indeed, witnessing a money bag explode with red dye is really amusing. So, after making my deposit the young clerk said, “Is there anything else I can get you, sir?” Trying not to look surprised I replied, “Well, yeah, I would like a 5-cheese pizza and bottle of white Russian chardonnay, please…. but heck, if you don’t have the white, a dry rose’ will work just fine.” She looked at me without smiling then said, “Surely, you can’t be serious?” I said, “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley!” [Leslie Nielson, 1980] I stared back for about 10-seconds and finally just left disillusioned.
Hey now, come on, …if people are honest and serious, they should not act like jerks and say things they cannot deliver on. (darn, is that a preposition?). Customer service should not depend on your mood or the clerk’s attitude, right? And what ever happened to those free toasters, blenders, and Tupperware sets that banks used to give out? I should have told that clerk that I personally know Ernie Tupper and he would be really P.O.’ed if he knew the bank was out of his free gifts.
On my way home I stopped at McDonalds for a coffee. It was a long stressful day and I needed a treat. The young clerk handed it to me and said, “That’ll be $1.95.” I said in a booming voice, “What is this, a robbery in plain sight! I’m a Senior and it’s suppose to be 10-cents!!! Wake up dude, we Seniors have privilege and rights, ya know! Here, take these sugar cubes – they’re crypto-currency and worth a lot!” Hey, can you imagine what it feels like to be dragged out of a crowded fast-food place with coffee all over your new tie-dye T-shirt and saddle oxfords?!
My premise is this: our Senior ages are directly proportional to the amount of BS in the world only because we’re getting smarter. They are also inversely proportional to the number of times we need to use the bathroom at night divided by the amount of TP used. TP is not what you think – it is the average number of Tooth Picks we need per meal. Our teeth ain’t what they used to be!
Getting to be a Senior is becoming a real responsibility keeping younger people honest. We know so much more, it is our duty to keep people accountable and to report false ads and deceptive practices. Just look at zip codes. These aren’t codes at all… they’re just 5- or 9-digit numbers that represent geography that’s in plain sight… there’s no crypto secret enigmatic anything about them! They are not sophisticated math entities. I can’t believe that only Seniors can figure this stuff out! And the label “zip” is a misnomer too! (no explanation needed).
All this leads me to the one problem that I haven’t quite figured out yet. If mirrors reverse right and left, why don’t they reverse top and bottom? I can easily explain: 1) what lies beyond the edge of the observable Universe, and 2) why a flashlight that is traveling forward or backward at 0.99999% the speed of light when turned on the beam of light is still only traveling at that exact speed in both directions; however, this mirror problem has me still working on optical ray diagrams and standing on my head in front of mirrors. My nagging wife thinks I’m senile. But there’s hope. Tomorrow is another day (…btw, that’s a famous movie quote, too, and kinda dumb), so there’s a good chance my brain will gain more Senior insight, savvy, and common sense, and I won’t have to play with mirrors in the bathroom any more. The obvious answer will obviously be obvious.
In conclusion, DO NOT believe that you’re becoming more cynical, crazy, vitriolic, crotchety, or cranky. It’s NOT your irritable bowel syndrome! You are just getting wiser and your “BS Detector” is more sensitive because you are getting more Senior, and you can critically think better than all those damn uppity young clerks. In no time at all you’ll be able to program a VCR, or even beat your computer at chess, level #1! I hope these examples help you negotiate around all the fails, pitfalls, falls, embarrassments, yelling matches, and BS in life. The future of the world is in the hands of us Seniors! Gotta go now… my nagging wife wants me to run some errands. (I sincerely apologize for using so many exclamation marks!!! And not to worry, the rest of Murphy’s postponed laws will be forthcoming, pretty soon). 
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