|
Bill Butler
Seniors Searching For the Meaning of Life Via the ‘Holy Grail’ of Great Coffee
Previous 1962 Class Creator posts have attempted to explain the meaning of life. Various working hypotheses have been offered from Yogi Berra to Murphy Laws. The search is intense, but optimistically narrowing. The Holy Grail may be an actual artifact, i.e., a cup that Jesus drank from at The Last Supper, or it may be secret knowledge, i.e., a representation of the blood of Christ. For about 2,000-years, societies and individuals have been looking for the actual artifact while simultaneously looking for “the grail” and secret knowledge of everything, such as sports cars, cameras, fine wine, chocolate cake, fruit cake, golf clubs, dog breeds, 6-foot-wide TVs, opaque yoga pants, et cetera. We’re always looking for ‘the perfect best of everything’, right?
I may have some ideas on where the “non-artifact grail” might be, and they are zeroing in on the discovery of a great tasting cup of coffee. For most, the meaning of life is to accomplish as much as possible (constructive, that is) and to experience all possible emotions (good ones, that is) and to make the world a better place. If it’s possible to find the perfect coffee (a consensus, of course), we may find a whole bunch of beneficial secret knowledge! Furthermore, the perfect coffee could be the remedy for all bad things, conflicts, and animosity existing in the world! It’s worth a shot.
Humans drink ~500B cups of coffee a year, and I’m doing my part. For the last 60-years my crusade has been to find a really decent coffee. The last nearly perfect cup that I had was in 1963 at a Pancake House in Illinois. I asked the manager what brand it was. He said it was Farmer Brothers®, but unfortunately, available only to commercial entities. If anyone in our Class knows of a similar great product, please advise me.
This holy grail of coffee search is a serious challenge and worthy for anyone’s bucket list of life objectives – the fate of human sanity (…and perhaps humanity itself) may be at stake. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, the taste of coffee depends on many factors: 1) which of the 60-species it is, 2) how much caffeine it has, 3) where it is grown (climate, soil, altitude), 4) how it is harvested, 5) how it is processed, blended, and roasted, 6) how the end-user buys it (bean v. ground), 7) how it is brewed (French press, drip, cowboy pot, vacuum, percolator), and kept fresh (it ferments quickly). Oh yeah, dirty coffee pots and cups don’t enhance flavor.
Coffee should taste like real coffee (I know, that’s circular reasoning); it should not taste like twice-used brownish-black dishwater, beetle dung, ditch or pond water, slimy dog water, NYC sewer effluent, yellow snow, oil-change scum, frothy toilet residue, rotten chicory roots, bitternut kernels, weak dandelion tea, illegal industrial liquid acidic waste from New Jersey, highly flammable volatile organic compounds from the Cuyahoga River in Ohio, or ground-up burnt bituminous shale. (Please, don’t ask me how I know what these putrid chemicals taste like!)
In my relentless search, my typical day (ordeal) begins by stumbling (bouncing off walls trying to find light switches) to the kitchen with blurry vision and attempting to hit the start button on the coffee pot. And then I forget whether I am going to the kitchen or the bathroom and have to either retract my path or scream for help. That done, and finally with a fresh warm brew in my cold trembling hands, I get to my home office. The sign on the door reads: GIVE ME COFFEE AND NOBODY GETS HURT. The sign inside my office reads: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING I SAY, DO, OR SIGN BEFORE COFFEE.
Next, I check my Foucault Pendulum to verify if the swing of its arc means the Earth is still rotating under it – which really makes my day (pun intended); this is proof that things are going well, …so far. Analysis of the pendulum’s swing also determines my latitude (39o35’) in the northern hemisphere. Thus, having firmly established that the Earth is still functioning properly, I conclude it is damn good news because it means that I wasn’t drugged, blindfolded, kidnapped, and transported to another country during the night.
Next, I determine that the best thing that goes with coffee is a second cup. However, it’s a real dilemma in choosing just the right cup. Each one in my collection puts me into a different mood, so this is a critical juncture. Here are some of my choices with their important and time-tested philosophical words of wisdom:
- A scientist is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- The most dangerous game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
- Drink coffee because crack and moonshine are bad for you!
- Drink coffee because being a rational Senior adult is hard.
- Coffee is a hug in a mug.
- Life happens – Coffee helps.
- Life is too short for decaf.
- In emergencies, stay calm, make coffee, read safety manuals.
- Life without coffee is scary as hell!
- With 1 cup of coffee I can tie my own shoes; with 2 cups I can walk.
- Coffee is the answer – Sorry, I don’t remember what the question is.
- I will start working when my coffee does.
- I’m a coffee-holic on my road to recovery – hey, just kidding!... I’m on the road to Starchbutt’s coffee shop for a triple-chocolate cappuccino.
- I can be a real badass, OR, I can drink this 20-ounce mug of coffee.
- Coffee isn’t a drug – it has crypto-vitamins.
- Do not start any projects until you pre-caffeinate.
- Instant human? Just add coffee.
- I don’t have enough coffee or middle fingers for today!
- Size matters – No one wants a small cup of coffee!
- Psychology has a new syndrome called OCD – obsessive coffee disorder. (so far I have not found a cure for this and wonder if it is related to ACDD, arrested cognitive development disorder?)
- With enough coffee, all things are possible; most are highly unlikely, but conceivably possible.
- I don’t need no stinkin’ inspirational quote!; what I need right now is a big bloody freakin’ awesome cup of joe! Stat! Hurry!
- Drink coffee – anger management is much too expensive. (I must also add that public defenders are sharks, and felony convictions take away your right to vote)
So, with the cup selection done, I can start my scientific work, and also conduct analyses of more coffee brands. In conclusion, I have espresso latte insight into the perfect coffee – it’s grounded in robust facts. There’s no question that Seniors need good coffee** with no demitasse complaints. May your coffee always be rich, lively, well-rounded, mellow, bold, balanced, sexy, aromatic, and strong-bodied with an effervescent finish – just like YOU!! (OK, forget the aromatic attribute).
**[It may be better than Prevagen® and Focus Factor®, and you don’t need to worry about possible deceptive advertising]
|
Sharol
H
