Lane Ackerman 1961-2007
Current mood: sad
Category: Friends

A Couple of summers ago there was a fire. A child and an adult were killed. Yes it was one of those things where you don't look (if you have a child like I do). You feel it and don't want to look at the horror. Except this one: it was the child, a young boy aged 6 and his mom who died trying to save him. It was someone I knew but at a distance. Helplessly I wrote a note saying if there was anything I could please don't hesitate to call. This tragedy happened to my friend Lane Ackerman. I don't discuss this much because to face it hurts on a deep level that I don't want to imagine for anyone.

I read a bit more about it and there was a person who might have seen his kid in the last moments of his life. The fire was an set by a troubled teen that lived in the house with his ex-wife Gail. You can read about it here:

http://www.dailyfreeman.com/site/news.cfm?BRD=1769&dept_id=74969&newsid=14657075&PAG=461&rfi=9

I felt so helpless for Lane. It's not one of those things you know what to do about. It's more about it being so tragic that you have to redirect yourself and do what you can. So l took a chance.

I wanted to reach out. I was living at a friends house absorbing my own blow of merely being broken up with and seeing my daughter once a week. I was grieving! But again I did have my daughter. Lane loved his son! He had gone through his divorce and similar to my breakup he remained friends with his ex-wife.

Fast forward ahead to that early fall, I found a job about this small computer shop in Kingston, New York. It was a small rip off place that had no benefits paid a small salary but still was a job. I met Jason of Twilight Blue there.

Lane never called…

Lane was also a serious guitar player. He loved Bee-Bop Jazz, and played in a jazz gypsy guitar style melody over changes fashion. He played passionately! This guy was incredible on guitar. There aren't too many people like him.

Lane also was a serious computer administrator, certified in Microsoft network engineering and for sure well accomplished in that field too. Before all this I was to set up an internet radio station, he advised me on bandwidth and it turned out to not be a go. Lane saved me from a partnership that would fail.

Time went on at this job and they ran out of work along with legitimacy. I started working my own business and my life went on. I heard through the grapevine that Lane had a job there and so I went to visit him. I asked him how he was doing and could see how medicated he was. He trembled all the time. Behind it all was this profound sadness that a person who lost everything he ever loved. He was spinning I am sure. Imagine this: trying to undo a past that could never be changed no matter what you thought. You want to be the person saving your child and it repeats over and over again in your head but never stops. You can't sleep, because somehow you wanted to be there saving your son and your ex-wife and were somewhere else! You ask your self why over and over again until the word "why", becomes too painful a syllable sound to even say! You are tortured by this "why" all the time! Lost, your progeny, your offspring, your son in a pointless way! It can't be undone! Do you think you wouldn't tremble? You have to sleep, you are grieving, you are lost in a nation of pain that only exists in your brain!

On the outside you are shaking. On the inside you are imploding each minute over and over again! Somehow you have to function. Child support is over but you loved what you were doing and now it's done!

This was Lanes life. I once hung out with him at a train station in Rhine cliff here in New York. It was early spring and cold...Lane had been drinking every day, had met a really nice girlfriend from back in the day who loved him anew but didn't know what she could do about his drinking. My heart goes out to her now. She knew his story and loved him just the same. How brave is that?

Still there was the trembling, like it never went away. Still trying to digest a life so full of pain. I had my daughter with me when I saw him and silently knew that this was killing him! I thought about each year watching other families and their kids, seeing children riding home on the school bus, and bundling up for the winter. He saw this all and it ate at him like a drop of acid from an eyedropper! Each year imagining his son alive and knowing that it's a fantasy. Trembling...

I fell out of touch with Lane and him with me. It's hard to stay in touch with someone who's drinking every day. I don't blame him and surely would offer support or a kind word. It was real and poignant.

Well today there was an obituary in the paper (oddly I was with my daughter at a diner) we were having breakfast. Lane died. Not much on the details. I can only assume the trebling stopped. Maybe in his dying vision he saw his son, perhaps his ex-wife, and was able to reconcile their tears. Maybe he could hold him and tell him he was sorry that he couldn't be there. Maybe it doesn't matter because they all were able in that moment be together. In some strange way: be a family again! They could be having a catch or fishing among the stars. Who can say? It's so profoundly sad to me. It's such a goodbye and a hello in the instant that he's gone. They all moved away…they didn't die. Perhaps they met up again to work out all the wrongs that they experienced and set things straight.!

His family is having a private service. I can understand that. Lane wanted to have his family. He has that now I suppose, I miss him. He wanted to be with his child...he has that now and I hope they are content and that his son comforted him and stopped the trembling. I am sure he did.

Goodbye Lane.