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Ken Ortiz
Hello all,
As we celebrate our 60th birthday (some have already, some will soon), I got to thinking back to my Lane days and my observations of my family and others around 60 at that time. Here was my conclusion at that time:
“I will never, ever talk about the things they talk about or act the way they do when I am 60! INCONCEIVABLE!” <--- this word from the movie “The Princess Bride"
Well…….guess what? WRONG! (As incorrect answer buzzer from your favorite 70's game show goes off) We cannot help but become what we dreaded when we were teenagers, it's just the circle of life. Here are a few examples of what I call “is it just me, or do some of you also feel the same?”:
1) When I drop something on the floor, now I have to make noises when I bend down to pick it up, whether it be grunts, groans, moans, oofs, etc. No more….”Bend…and SNAP!” (from the movie Legally Blonde) Nowadays, I am afraid of snapping parts of my body if I try that.
2) Conversations I have with people my age now revolve around ailments, medical conditions, medical procedures, etc. My thought when I was a teenager and I overheard those conversations: “Ewww…..TMI! Way too much detail!” Now I can't wait to hear the details. Side note: One advantage of having certain ailments is that we can predict some weather conditions better (“My knee is aching, must be rain coming”).
3) I now get annoyed when I am walking (or bicycling) around the downtown Kenosha area and cars (and now motorcycles) drive by blasting music way too loud and obnoxious. Don't they know that they are pissing everybody off? But I recall myself installing coffee can speakers and putting them on the back seat in my car (for that extra boost) back in the day and blasting tunes such as “Give it to me baby", “Rock lobster", “Shake your pants", etc.
4) I used to be hesitant about going out in public with folks that age when I was a teenager (and because I was raised by my grandparents, I had a lot more exposure with that age group) because I feared getting embarrassed being seen with them, especially when they acted immature and childish (ROM syndrome) or started getting frisky with each other (PDA), or doing huggy-kissy with me in public. I am sure you can think of other antics they did that made you cringe. Well, several times recently, my daughter has threatened to “Put me in time-out" for acting silly (ROM syndrome) when we are out in public.
5) More frequent bouts of ROM (Regression of Maturity*) syndrome. Face it, we now enjoy acting silly and immature again and we don't care what others think about us. We are secure with ourselves and embrace our spazzy and idiotic moments and especially laugh about our ooopses and our YOLO moments. Because we now dare to Go For It.
* It also seems that this “Regression of Maturity" is accelerated when assembled in groups of similar age. Case in point: I was at a gathering (not of the Juggalos (ICP baby) even though our “clowning" would have made them proud) recently with most people around my age group. The acceleration rate (or ROR – Rate of Regression) of our “Maturity Regression" was further increased because several there were also Lane 76'ers. If we also factor in the weather conditions (hot and humid) and the relative B.A.C. (I am assuming you all know what B.A.C. is) of the group, it was the “Perfect Storm" which eliminated all inhibitors to the “Rate of Regression” and turned our mature, reserved gathering into a free for all frolic, resulting in the water gun (and other “Weapons of Mass Wetness”) “war to end all wars". Bottom line: it was an incredibly fun and awesome experience!
I have worked the numbers and so far, it will be relatively safe to attend our 60th birthday celebration on October 6th. Some factors will be in play that will accelerate the ROR, (like the large, similar age group, the relative B.A.C., etc.), but there will also be factors in play that will inhibit the ROR, and thus reduce our chances of reaching the TOFR (Threshold of Full Regression), that occurred at that other gathering. These inhibitors are listed as follows: a) a more controlled environment (indoors), b) little or no access to “WOMW" (Weapons of Mass Wetness), c) more security and supervisory personnel in premises (we think), d) not enough time for reduced ROR to reach TOFR. Of course the above conditions are all assumed and our best estimates, and no considerations have been accounted for any “weird happenstances” (i.e. like in 2016 when the Cubs won certain playoff and world series games – all bets are off) that may occur that day.
So next time my Daughter threatens to “Put me in time out", I can show her this analysis and tell her “I cannot help it! The math shows it to be true!”
Can you think of other things we say or do now that we never imagined saying or doing when we were teenagers?
P.S. – I love it when I get to use Technical Jargon and acronyms.
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That magic Corona bottle trick was so cool.
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