The Bag of Chocolates   For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married,or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bag of chocolates:    Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.    Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.     "What in bag?" asked the old woman.    Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It 's a box of  Chocolates. I got it for my husband."    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then  speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trad     Subject: The Taliban and the Jew A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.  The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”  The Jewish man replied, “I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $10.”  The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!”  “OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.. It has all the ice cold water you need.  Shalom.”  Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.  Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said, “Your damn brother won’t let me in the restaurant without a tie!”  At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."  Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.  After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"   Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday   Five rules for men to follow for a happy life. > > 1.. It's important to have a women who helps at home, > cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. > > 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. > > 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and > who doesn't lie to you. > > 4. It's important to have a woman  > who likes to be with you. > > 5. It's very, very important that these fourteen women do not > know each other. > > > Sincerely > > Tiger Woods A TRIP TO COSTCO       Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, theWonder Dog and was in the   checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.       What did she think I had, an elephant?      So since I'm retired and have little to do,      on impulse I told her that no,      I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.      I added that I probably  shouldn't,    because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd  lost 50    pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes    coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.     I told her that it was essentially a perfect  diet and that the way that    it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat    one or two every time you feel hungry.      The food is nutritionally complete so t works well and I was going to try it again.      (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my   story.)     Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.      I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an   Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.     I thought the guy behind her was going to have a  heart attack he was    laughing so hard.     Costco won't let me shop there anymore.     Better watch what you ask retired people.       They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.      Forward  this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day..   A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc. An older couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple.  I wonder where they're from."   He replies: "How would I know?"   She counters: "You could go and ask them."   He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."   She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Looking at your manner of dress, I'm curious to know where you're from."   The farmer replies: "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."    The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"   She replies:  "I don't know.  They don't speak English!"     Husband comes home Drunk Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.  He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.  He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.   As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.   He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose!!  He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.  Jack asks, 'Son. what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?  I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the Right thing, at the Right time: PRICELESS  JEWISH MOTHERS  MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'After all the money your father and I spent on  braces, this you call a smile?'  CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:  'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call,  you didn't write...'  MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls,  like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get  that schmutz off the ceiling?'  NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take  your hand out of your jacket and show me!'  ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball  cap like the other kids?'  GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'Next time I catch you throwing money across the  Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!'  THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric  light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!'  PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'I don't care where you think you have to go, young  man, midnight is long past your bedtime!'  ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done  something with your hair?'  MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:  'Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for  the last forty years?'  BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:  'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'  BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:  'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.     Another gem From: Fred Spielmann  An elderly man concerned about his wife’s declining hearing, questioned his doctor on how to determine the extent of hearing loss, without bringing her in for an exam, since she was sensitive about the subject and he didn’t want to aggravate her. The doctor told him to stand forty foot away, speak in a normal tone and she if she responded. If not, move ten feet closer and try again. “Continue moving closer in ten foot intervals until she responds and call me with your findings”, he said. That evening, while she was in the kitchen and he in the living room, he asked what they were having for dinner. No response, so he moved ten foot closer. Still no response, so he moved another ten feet and another until he was directly behind her. She finally turned around and said, “ for the fifth time, CHICKEN!” From: Fred Spielmann  KINFOLK  Two good ol' boys in a Mississippi trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at their local plant.  After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"  The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.  Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even." ________________ One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.  So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.   When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'  God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'  So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time..   When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'   God was not pleased.  So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were being good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.  Do you know what the e-mail said?     Okay, I was just wondering.  I didn't get one either Another gem from Sue:   Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and  thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well... You'll love this one! I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new  dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly,  I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had  been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same  guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then..?? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This  balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to  have been my classmate. Hmmm,...Or could he??? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park  High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered,! "In 1959. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"  From Susan Baum Schloss:  Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'   80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.   'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'   I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.  'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'  'Ninety-eight.' She replied.  'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'  The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:      'I've outlived the bitches.'   CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS     On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings  into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the husband came back with  his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.  Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.  Repairmen refused to work in the house.  The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth .. but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..... ... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?