Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.