Michael Cindia

I am a board certified mortuary waxologist which means that I perform bikini and Brazilian wax jobs on deceased individuals.

I'm also an erotic farmer in which I only grow produce that is sensual in nature (such as bananas, melons, yams, mushrooms, and kiwis).

Yes

I adopted a little boy while I was in Europe during my military enlistment. The child had webbed armpits and hammer toes so I named him Verne Gustav Waldow Cindia after my old high school pal whom also had similar deformities.

A short time later, I made a lot of money when I invented a toe nail clipper that trimmed all five toe nails at once. Unfortunately, I did not realize that there were so many freaky people in the world with six or more toes on their feet and a class action discrimination lawsuit was filed against me. Needless to say, I literally stepped on a lot of toes with that gaffe and lost all my money.

At that point, I couldn't make my loan payment on Lil' Verne so the bank repossessed him and sold him to a low budget circus that travels the eastern European countryside. Lil' Verne is known as "Flying Squirrel Boy-The Webbed Armpit Creature from the Woods" and I can proudly proclaim that he is the highest grossing attraction in the circus.

Fueled with depression after losing Lil' Verne, I found Tony Loparo panhandling outside the old Atomic Bar. Even though Tony was an adult at that time, I adopted him and helped him get free of his addictions to Vick's Vapo-Rub and Tylenol PM.

Clean and sober, I sent Tony out on his own again but I recently heard that Tony has been stalking Neil Patrick Harris of "Doogie Howser" fame. According to TMZ, a restraining order has been issued to protect the actor from Tony. Well I've run out of time for now so I will have to fill in the rest of the story later.

I lead a paramilitary special ops team for Hickory Farms-the Ohio based cured meat and cheese gift box company which can be found in most major shopping malls. My team runs covert over the border operations deep into Canada with our main objective being to sabotage and eventually destroy the entire Canadian bacon industry by any means possible. At this time, virtually all of my missions are still classified by Hickory Farms. Maybe one day I will be able tell my tale of the savage violence and inhumanity that I've seen while battling those bastards to the north.

Yes