50th Reunion Jokes

 

 

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

You know you're getting older when......

  • Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
  • You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
  • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
  • Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

And they ask why I like retirement......

  • Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
  • Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the recliner.
  • Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
  • Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
  • Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
  • Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
  • Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
  • Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
  • Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
  • Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
  • Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
  • Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
  • Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Reunion Road Trip

 

While on the road to their reunion, a classmate and his wife stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the classmate's wife unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the classmate became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the wife got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband (the old geezer) yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my wallet and credit card."

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, groceries heavier?

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.........Well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Please pass this on to everyone you know as soon as possible so we can get this conspiracy stopped!

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  • I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  • Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Top 10 Reasons to Attend Your 50th SCHS Reunion 
10.  You've not thought about getting into shape since the last reunion.
9.   You want to try to dance one more time before your next hip replacement.
8.   You want to squash 50 years of rumors about you...and possibly start new and better ones.
7.   The reunion committee will NOT stop contacting until you do show. 

6.   You don't have to ask for the keys to the family car or sneak out a window to be with your friends.
5.   You can feel better knowing you're not the only who's been married, divorced, married, divorced...
4.  To see what color the girls' hair is now and to see how many of the guys still have hair.
3.  There will be no swimsuit competition.
2.  You don't have to lie about your age. We know how old you are.

And the NUMBER ONE reason to attend your 50th class reunion is:

1.  You can re-connect with old friends, make connections with new friends, and re-capture the joys of youth. The reunion won't be the same without you.

The Perks of being Old!

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is absolutely nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now definitely won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You can live without intimacy but not without your glasses.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about Social Security.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge, except for the minimum speed allowed.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get very much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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