FUN STUFF

 

This One Is For The Guys

 

 

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women"

 

 

You have probably all heard the Billy Joel song"We Didn't Start the Fire" but may not have been sure what the lyrics meant. Turn up the volume and watch the video 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8th GRADE DUBUQUE CLASS TRIP

 

Carolyn Sepper, Florence Wasilewski, Judy DeGrazio   Fr. Sommerville, Sister ?, Sister Mona,   

Mary Brennan, Sandy Haydock                                      Bob Thompson

Sandy Whipple, Penny Dix, Pat Dix, Barb Dudek 

 

The economy is so bad that…

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing ' Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald' s and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO' s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald' s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn' t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won' t leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T 

            1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. 

            2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) 
paper. 

            3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle.' 

            4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and 
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 

            5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller . 

            6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 

            7. 315 entries in Webster 's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 

            8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes.  He 
was albino. 

            9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, 
daily. 

            10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 

            11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces 
will kill a small-sized dog. 

            12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the 
shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 

            13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). 

            14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 

            15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. 

            16. Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, 
the Upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 

            17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the 
other at the same time, hence multi-tasking was invented. 

            18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 

            19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 

            20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 

            21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange and purple. 

            22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors.  Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa 's lips. 

            23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death 

            24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.. 

            25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being 
able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) 

            26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) 

            27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your 
thumb. 

            28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 

            29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.  It's the same with 
apples. 

            30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 

            31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 

            32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 

            33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. 

            34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart, "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around;  Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."

 

 
 
 
Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
 
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
 
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
 
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
 
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

 

 

 

 

  The Talking Centipede    

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off 
by taking his new pet
to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,  
"How about going
to church with me
and receive blessings?"

But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time
he put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted, 
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to church with me
and learn about God?"
 

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
 

 

 

 

 

  JOKE OF THE DAY FOR THE GIRLS:

I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous,
but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

 

NEW LATE NIGHT CATECHISM

 

 

 

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 

 Growing up without a cell phone....funny and true! 

(Copied from the Internet)
 
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways, yadda, yadda, yadda.
 
And I remember promising myself that when I grew 
up, there was no way I was going to  lay stuff like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! 

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of sixty, 
I can't help but look around and notice the youth of 
today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared 
to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! 
 
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. 
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to 
the library and look it up ourselves, in the card 
catalog!! 
 
There was no email!! We had 
to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! 
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! 

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our behinds! Nowhere was safe! 

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If 
you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the  record store and shoplift it yourself! 
 
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off 
the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the 
beginning and screw it all up! There were no CD 
players! When we were older we had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. 
Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! 
Dig? 
 
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 

There weren't any cell phones either. 
If you left the house, you just didn't make a call 
or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch 
with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the 
horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! 
You kids have no idea how annoying you are. 

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the 
phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to 
find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your behind and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could 
only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you 
hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted 
to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! 

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... 
all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe 
and comfort. And if you came back inside... you 
were doing chores! 
 
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you 
in the back seat and you hung on. If you were 
lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at 
the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if 
your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault 
for calling "shot gun" in the first place! 

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! 
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled 
rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes 
back in 1960  or any time before!

Exercise for 60 year olds.

 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.