| 01/30/09 10:07 PM |
#1871
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April Passen (Ochman)
Tara,
I believe I heard about his death in news last week. I remember cringing & thinking what an awful way to die. I am so sorry for your & your friends loss. A loss of a loved one is such an emotional roller coster & everyone does tend to react differently.
I understand the respect for someone's culture & religion, but...when it comes to death, I think to many people are repressed from truly being able to deal with their feelings, little lone have time to even let the loss sink in.
I personally have been through the loss of both parents, the first, my mother who I was secondary person to helping "sort" out the business side of death, then my father who I was the sole person to take care of business. Now both my parents wishes were to have no funeral & straight to cremation, these wishes were respected & that still constituted business, you have to pick the urn, they show you other options to have keepsakes of the ashes...during this time you still have even figured out this is for real yet.
Then there's the calling...you gotta call the insurance companies, doctors (if your elder) or employers (if their younger) to tie up loss ends...social security office...etc...
Then you also have to try to think of everyone who might want to attend the funeral, deal with everyone's elses emotions...then there's the one who found out from someone else that you didn't get to yet who's feeling are hurt...all these people searching for what to say to the "Surviver" usually repeated what someone else has said, the reference to not suffering, the their in a better place, it will get easier...& all the suriver is doing is thinking...WTF...trying not to think poor me, but poor me is all that is eating the person up inside...
which then may turn to turn to denial, or anger...they say there are 5 or 7 stages of grief...
The 7 stages if you look at that one is: 1Shock 2Denial 3Anger 4Bargining 5Guilt 6Depression then 7Acceptance
The Five Stage explaination is: 1Denial 2Anger 3Sadness 4Reorganizing 5letting go.
I personal never have accepted or let go, Mom died in 4/05 & Dad 6/97. Shock overtook me with sadness the first 48 hours, but I also had to organize during this time. Then denial came & I still revisit that one often. After the first week, sadness went away because of the denial, & anger was present forever. Then sadness kicks my ass again, & again every now & then. I still struggle between denial, anger & sadness. And if a day passes where I didn't think about them, when I realize it, the anger starts all over again.
I have found the only way I really have any acceptance is, when I am around someone else who "just lost", then I reflect to how everyone reacted, or didn't know how to react. This is my line of those who recented lost..."Ok now I know everyone has the same things they repeat, no suffering, better place, it will get easier...BULLSHIT, who wants to get over a loss. It is ok to be mad, to think what about me. I know you have to keep a good face on for everyone does mean well, but call me & bitch at, to me...I know it sucks, so be sad, be mad & don't get over it!"
Now I know this sounds really bitter, but this is the way I survive my loss. I give your friend big kudos on keeping her respect for his religious beliefs in death. But I tell you girl...she is probably got some pent up anger over it as well! Be that friend to her that will let her be what she needs to be. So many people feel uncomfortable around someone when they have their emotions pouring out...that is so important to have someone to just let loose on!
Just my opinion...I maybe wrong...See I started off sad, then angry, now acceptance...ROFL But seriously...I don't think anyone should ever get over death, or that it gets easier...the reality is...we deal better & learn how to function without, but the pain never fades!
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