INDEX

The Remember Song	Aviation and Life
Advantages to Growing Older	History Exam
Stroll Memory Lane	Oxymorons
Evidence of The 21st Century	Twenty Dollars
Old Time Radio

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THE REMEMBER SONG....vocal Tom Rush

(Does any of this sound familiar?)
 

 

  ADVANTAGES TO GROWING OLDER

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• It becomes more and more difficult for sexual harassment charges to stick.
• No one expects you to run into a burning building.
• People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?
• Doctors no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
• And most importantly........
• You get to go to your 45th Reunion and see old friends!

   

 MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS .... vocal Dean Martin

 

 

EVIDENCE THAT YOU LIVE IN THE 21st CENTURY
Author Unknown 

You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.

You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his  bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

Your granddaughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your   next door neighbor yet this year.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Exhinacea.

Your mom asks you to send her a JPEG file of your latest grandchild so she can create a new screen saver.

Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

You pull in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

You buy a computer and six months later it's out-of-date and now sells for half the price you paid.

Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 50+ years of your life, is cause for panic

Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have email addresses.

You consider 2nd-day air delivery painfully slow.

Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-It notes.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling as though you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your breakfast.

You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your emails on your way back to bed.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You now think of three expressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a deck of cards for years.

  

OLD TIME RADIO

 

 

 AVIATION AND LIFE...

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'. Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,took a leak,then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

 
When you are young & foolish,speed & flash may seem a good thing !!! 
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

 

HISTORY EXAM.... 

Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam.  Get paper & pencil & number from 1 to 20.  Write the letter of each answer & score at the end.
 
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
        a. On the floor shift knob.
        b.. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch.
        c. Next to the horn.
2. If the bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it, for what was it used?
        a. Capture lightning bugs.
        b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.
        c. Large salt shaker.
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
        a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.
        b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled.
        c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
        a. Blackjack
        b. Gin
        c. Craps
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when very few were available due to rationing during WW II.
        a. Suntan
        b. Leg painting
        c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
        a. Studebaker
        b. Nash Metro
        c. Tucker    
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
        a . Strips of dried peanut butter.
        b.. Chocolate licorice bars.
        c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
8. How was Butch wax used?
        a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.
        b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.
        c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
        a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.
        b. Woven straps that crossed the foot.
        c. Long pieces of twine.   
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
        a. Consider all the facts.
        b. Ask Mom.
        c. Eeny-meeny-miney-MO.
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s and 1950s?
        a. Smallpox
        b. AIDS
        c. Polio
12. 'I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey'
        a. SUV
        b. Taxi
        c. Streetcar        
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pony?
        a. Old Blue
        b. Paint
        c. Macaroni        
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
        a. Part of the game of hide and seek.
        b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores.
        c. Hiding under y our desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
        a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
        b. Princess Sacajawea
        c Princess Moonshadow        
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
        a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.
        b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.
        c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure.
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
        a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.
        b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.
        c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.
18. Praise the Lord , & pass the _________ .
        a. Meatballs
        b. Dames
        c. Ammunition        
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song 'Cabdriver' a hit?
        a. The Ink Spots
        b. The Supremes
        c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
        a. Tony Bennett
        b. Xavier Cugat
        c.. George Gershwin
 
        
    
    Answers 
 1. (b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60's to catch on.
 2. (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing.  [Who had a steam iron?]
 3. (c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
 4 . (a) Blackjack Gum.
 5. (b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
 6. (a) 1946 Studebaker.
 7. (c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
 8. (a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
 9. (a) With clamps , tightened by a skate key,which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. (c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. (c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. (b) Taxi , Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. (c) Macaroni.
14. (c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. (a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. (a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. (b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp redemption store.
18. (c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. (a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. (a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

       SCORING
       17- 20 correct --- You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses.  Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!
       12 -16 correct --- Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.
        0 -11 correct --- You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences and obiviously a baby boomer imposter!
 

 

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.  Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. during the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.  Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.  She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

 

 

O x y m o r o n s

(and other perplexities)

1.  Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?   2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?  3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?  4.  If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?   5.  Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?   6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?   7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?   8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?   9.  Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?  12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?  13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?  14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?  15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?  16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?  17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?  18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?  20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?  22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?  25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?  27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 28.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I dunno, why do we?