St Patricks Day

I found so much good stuff I couldn't resist sharing it!

 

Irish Engineers on Site

Dermot and Patrick are standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. Rita walks by and asks them what they are doing.

Patrick answers, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

Rita takes out an adjustable spanner from her handbag, loosens a few bolts and lays the flagpole down. She finds a tape measure in her pocket, takes a few measurements, and announces that its length is 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, Rita walks off.

Dermot says to Patrick, 'Isn't that just typical.  We ask for the height and she gives us the length.'

 

Blessing for St Patrick's Day

In the end, there are only two things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
When you're well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you're sick, then there are two things to worry about:
either you get well or you will die.
When you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die, then there are two things to worry about:
either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell.
When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry!

SO WHY WORRY!?  

 

  

It's All in The Glove

O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'

Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.' Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question'

Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this. 'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.

 

For the Guys

 

What the Boys Will Be Seeing After All That Guinness!

 

How To Identify A Real Irishman

• A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.
• A true Irishman considers anyone who won't come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn.
• A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies

 

Even the White House Goes Green

 

 

Catholic Dog - Irish Story

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

* € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or less, to the nearest approximation.

 

Short Irish Jokes

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O'furniture!

How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms

The Good Deed

As Father Fitzgerald was walking down the street in Dublin, he spied across the way young Michael Donovan, a small boy living in his parish. Michael was at the door of a home across the street attempting to push the doorbell.

But young Michael is on the short side and the doorbell was simply too high for him to reach no matter how hard he stretched. Father watched young Michael stretch and strain toward the bell for a short time, but the bell drew no closer to the small child‘s fingers.

Father Fitzgerald strode quickly across the street ending up directly behind Michael standing at the door. While gently placing his hand on the small child's shoulder, the good man of God bent lower and gave the doorbell a good hard ring.

Then, squatting down lower to young Michael’s height, Father Fitzgerald smiled knowingly and asked, “And now what, my young man?”

“Now, Fadder?” replied Michael grinning, “Now we run!”

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink."Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."