Random thoughts as we age

  • The biggest lie I tell myself is . . ."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
  • Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
  • I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
  • I don't need anger management. I need people to stop p---g me off!
  • I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
  • My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
  • The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
  • I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
  • Even duct tape can't fix stupid . . . but it can muffle the sound!
  • Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
  • Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
  • At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
  • And, of course . . . Have I sent this to you already . . . or did you send this to me?