Classes of 1959 - 1969
Humor 2
Updated April 6, 2022
My friend, a single guy lived at home with his father and worked in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Dave wanted two things: to learn how to invest his inheritance, and to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away .
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 100 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law. She suffers very much and cries in agony: "Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon" She stops for a seconds and says: "Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
What do you do if you miss your mother in law?
...Take aim and fire again. :)
I always know when my mother-in-law is coming over because the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Three guys were beating up my mother-in-law. My wife told me to go and help but I thought three was enough. ( "great idea, she won't stand a chance against four of us"
My favorite Russian joke that one of my friends from Moldova told me was "if you are a pessimist, you learn Chinese. If you are an optimist, you learn English. If you are a realist, you buy a Kalashnikov."
Another Russian. A man is tried for a murder of his mother in law. The prosecutor asks the man, ‘Why did your MIL die?’ The man says, ‘she ate some poisonous mushrooms.’ P: ‘But why did she have bruises on her face’. The man: ‘she refused to eat them’.
Two Russian Soldiers are brought in front of a German Firing Squad.
Ready Aim,.....Suddenly the Commandant rushes forward waving a document. Wait, Stop he shouts.
We have decided not to shoot you, says the Commandant.
The Russian Soldiers are relieved.
We are going to hang you instead.
The one Russian soldier turns to his friend and says
"See I told we are winning, they are running out of bullets."
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
Did you know that Lubyanka Prison is the tallest building in Moscow?
They say you can see all the way to Siberia from the basement.
In China, if you criticize the government, you disappear overnight.
In Russia, they do it in broad daylight.
Kids on marriage:
1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all the way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.. -- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 (Love her)
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 9
How did we get to this, click HERE.
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* His last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* At the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* Liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
DÉJÀ-LU French for 'already read'. The vaguely disquieting sense that you're reading a book you've read before. The Library equivalent of Déjà vu 
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
― Mark Twain
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Diggers
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade
“I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!”
― Charles M. Schulz
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
In 2021 sharing your opinions with people who don't care is called social media. In 1996 it was called marriage.
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
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This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it... 1966 : Long hair 1966 : KEG 1966 : Acid rock 1966 : Moving to California because it's cool
2021 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1966 : Seeds and stems 1966 : Hoping for a BMW 1966 : Going to a new, hip joint 1966 : Rolling Stones 1966 : Screw the system 1966 : Disco 1966 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut 1966 : Passing the drivers' test 1966 : Whatever 2021 : Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 2003 They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. |
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We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. |
Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defence' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games
I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.
~John Adams (1735 - 1826)
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government.
But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain (1835- 1910)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!
~Will Rogers (1879- 1935)
I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
~Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
A Government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!
~Will Rogers (1879- 1935)
The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
~George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)
I don't like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
HONEST
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
MATH LESSONS
Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
WHO’S YOUR DADDY
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A PREDICTION
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
RESERECTION
The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what the Resurrection is?"
Without missing a beat Little Johnny says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
