Thanks Horace Whittlesey for "Memorable Things...."  Based on Horace's contribution, I sent it to my son with this advice, "You are getting to an age and parental experience where you can appreciate what your mother taught you.  Read the following carefully, and the next time you see her, give her a  big hug of gratitude."

 

 

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Seriously, we had a barbecue and I posted these urination rules:

Rules Governing Urination

Doylestown PA 18902

Females:

Please use powder room.

Males:

See “Females” above, or:

• In the interest of making our male guests not feel inconvenienced, we do not mandate a long walk to seek relief.
• However, stand at least 15 feet away from house.
• Face AWAY from other guests.
• Zip it up before you turn back toward guests.
• If there are many guests, carefully choose:
  • Those you want to face AWAY from.
  • By default, those who you don’t care if the see your willy.

 

 

• Regarding comments during and after urination:
  • It is unnecessary to keep guests and hosts informed of reasons for, or progress of, urination.
  • Comments such as the following are unwelcome:
    • “Jesus, I thought it would never stop.”
    • “One more minute and I would have had a problem.”
    • “Thank God is isn’t 11 degrees out here.”
    • “Beer goes through me like you wouldn’t believe.”
    • “Take THAT worms.”
    • “Pretty good distance today.”
  • Long sighs are acceptable if delivered sotto voce.
• Excessive shaking, wagging, pulling, and the like are discouraged.  However, it is entirely appropriate to ensure that the urinary tract is fully dry BEFORE zipping up.
• If “splashing” occurs, please be sure shoes are dry before reentering house.
• Please do NOT urinate on the lawn and kill the grass.
• Keep and eye out for gnats, bees, wasps, mosquitoes, flys, etc.
  • If one suspects the arrival of an insect to a delicate area, the “facing away” rules are suspended.
  • Comments are still unwelcome, but understandable.
• If one must pass wind during the urination process, it is not appropriate to make comments such as:
  • “Chili con Carne does that to me.”
  • “Mexican food.  WOW!”
  • You should be as silent as the wind itself.

Thank you for your attention to these matters.

 

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Estate Planning:

My friend, a single guy lived at home with his father and worked in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Dave wanted two things:  to learn how to invest his inheritance, and to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away .

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 100 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

 

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law. She suffers very much and cries in agony: "Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon" She stops for a seconds and says: "Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

 

What do you do if you miss your mother in law?

...Take aim and fire again. :)

 

I always know when my mother-in-law is coming over because the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Three guys were beating up my mother-in-law. My wife told me to go and help but I thought three was enough.  "Great idea, she won't stand a chance against four of us"

 

My favorite Russian joke that one of my friends from Moldova told me was "if you are a pessimist, you learn Chinese. If you are an optimist, you learn English. If you are a realist, you buy a Kalashnikov."

 

Another Russian. A man is tried for a murder of his mother in law. The prosecutor asks the man, ‘Why did your MIL die?’ The man says, ‘she ate some poisonous mushrooms.’ P: ‘But why did she have bruises on her face’. The man: ‘she refused to eat them’.

 

Two Russian Soldiers are brought in front of a German Firing Squad.

Ready Aim,.....Suddenly the Commandant rushes forward waving a document. Wait, Stop he shouts.

We have decided not to shoot you, says the Commandant.

The Russian Soldiers are relieved.

We are going to hang you instead.

The one Russian soldier turns to his friend and says

"See I told we are winning, they are running out of bullets."

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

Did you know that Lubyanka Prison is the tallest building in Moscow?

They say you can see all the way to Siberia from the basement.

 

In China, if you criticize the government, you disappear overnight.

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Just a bit of 70's humor, click HERE.  

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ROMANCE

 Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep, but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"
____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" 

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

 Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

 As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "
Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

 A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________

DRIVING

 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Please!!!!  Tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

 

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Interesting… an amazing 100 years...

The Year is 1922

The year is 1922,"One hundred years ago." 

What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for Year 1922:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of homes had a telephone.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average US wage in 1922 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year.

A dentist earned $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian between $1,500 and 4,000 per year.

And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! 

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which 

were condemned in the press AND in the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

    1 Pneumonia and influenza

    2 Tuberculosis

    3 Diarrhea

    4 Heart disease

    5 Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars ...

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother's Day nor Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write, and, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were available over the counter at local  drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said: "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is a perfect guardian of health!" (Shocking?)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. 

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian,  You should have remained a virgin...'  - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>   I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not  pleased   to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'  - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have
a good beginning  and a   good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible. 

- George Burns

<><>  

Santa Claus has the right idea. 
Visit people only once a year. 

- Victor Borge

  ><>  

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint. 

- Mark Twain

  ><>  

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,

you'll become happy;  If you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher. 

- Socrates

<><>  

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 

- Groucho Marx

  ><>  

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe. 

- Jimmy Durante

<><>  

I have never hated a man enough
to give his  diamonds back. 

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>  

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass
all  four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 

- Alex Levine

  ><>  

My luck is so bad that if I bought
a cemetery,  people would stop dying. 

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>  

Money can't buy you happiness....
But it does  bring you a more pleasant

form of  misery. 

- Spike Milligan

  ><>  

Until I was thirteen,
I thought my name was SHUT UP. 

- Joe Namath

<><>  

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap. 

- Bob Hope

  ><>  

I never drink water because of
the disgusting  things that fish do in it.. 

- W. C. Fields

 

<><>  

We could certainly slow the aging process down

if it had to work its way   through Congress. 

- Will Rogers

<><>  

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you. 

- Winston Churchill

  ><>  

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..

But everything else starts to wear  out,
fall out, or spread out.. 

- Phyllis Diller

<><>  

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, 
he's too old to go   anywhere. 

- Billy Crystal

<><>  

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more,

and may nothing but happiness come   through your door.

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