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(Pre-COVID) Life expectancy by US county

See:  http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/08/health/life-expectancy-by-county-study/index.html

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STAGES OF LIFE

A group of 15-year-old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner.

It was agreed they would meet at the Dee's Hamburgers near Lamb's Grill

because they only had six dollars among them; they could ride their bikes

there; and, that cute girl in algebra class worked at a dairy outlet store

nearby and they might see her.

 

Ten years later, the group of now 25-year-old guys discussed where they

should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Lamb's Grill

because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the house-band was

good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute girls.

 

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where

they should meet for dinner.  It was decided they would meet at Lamb's

Grill because the drinks were good, it was near their gym and, if they went

late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

 

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should

meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Lamb's Grill because

they featured a BIG sports screen in the back and the waitresses flirted

confidently, yet demurely.

 

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should

meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Lamb's Grill because

the prices were reasonable, they had a nice wine list, and fish is good for

your cholesterol.

 

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where

they should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Lamb's

Grill because the lighting was good and they have an early-bird special.

 

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where

they should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Lamb's

Grill because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was

handicapped-accessible.

 

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where

they should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Lamb's

Grill because they had never been there before.

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Perks of reaching 60 and heading toward 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

 

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The Steps to Success

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

 

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THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

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Top 10 Ways to Stay Young...

10. Throw out nonessential numbers.  This includes age, weight and height.  Let the doctors worry about them.  That's why you pay them.

 9. Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.

 8. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.  Never let the brain idle.  " An idle mind is the devil's workshop", and the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

 7. Enjoy the simple things.

 6. Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

 5. Tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person with us our entire life is ourselves.  Be ALIVE while you are alive.

 4. Surround yourself with what you love.  Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

 3. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

 2. Don't take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, Vegas, Maui, even Utah County, but NOT to where the guilt is.

And the #1 way to stay young...

         Tell the people you love that you do, at every opportunity.

 

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Since we're all getting older and facing surgery more often, here are...

Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery...

10. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

 9. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

 8. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!"

 7. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

 6. "Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there."

 5. "Oh no! Where's my Rolex?"

 4. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?"

 3. "There go the lights again!"

 2. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."

And the number one thing you don't want to hear....

    "Is our malpractice insurance paid up?"

 

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Baby Boomer Songs

It was fun being a Boomer… until now.  Some vocal artists of the 60's are revising their hits to accommodate us:

 1. Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

 2. The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

 3. Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

 4. Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

 5. Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

 6. Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

 7. Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

 8. The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

 9. Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

 10. Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

 11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

 12. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

 13. Abba --- Denture Queen.

 14. Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

 15. Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

 16. Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.

 17. Leslie Gore --- It 's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To.

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