Malverne High School
Class Of 1950
Humor
R.W. Granville, 12/09
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Dick Granville 11/09
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GONNA BE A BEAR
In this life I’m a woman.
In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear,
you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
YUP , gonna be a bear !!
=================================================
Some Old...Some New
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
To the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
And the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your
Family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my
Family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
Changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
On a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
Says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just
Full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
Do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
Pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
And after eating, the wives left the table and went into the
Kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last
Night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really
Great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the
Restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you
Love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then
Turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's
The name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
Being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on
The bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he
Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
Wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still
Upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
Gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems
Remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them
That they're physically okay, but they might want to
Start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
From his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the
Kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you
Can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget
it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
Cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain
You'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down,
I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped
Cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
Plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a
Moment.
'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I . Let's go get a
beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is
it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
One more. . .!
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Ciao
Don B
ogaruma@msn.com
BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:
Well, darn...
Now I forgot what it was...
==================================================
More from Don Belcher
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'?'
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><><><><>
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth!
---------------------------------
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today!!
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America Pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decades's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
R.W. Granville, 12/09
Dick Granville 11/09
--------------------------------------------------------
GONNA BE A BEAR
In this life I’m a woman.
In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear,
you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
YUP , gonna be a bear !!
=================================================
Some Old...Some New
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
To the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
And the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your
Family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my
Family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
Changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
On a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
Says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just
Full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
Do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
Pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
And after eating, the wives left the table and went into the
Kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last
Night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really
Great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the
Restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you
Love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then
Turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's
The name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
Being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on
The bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he
Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
Wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still
Upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
Gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems
Remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them
That they're physically okay, but they might want to
Start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
From his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the
Kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you
Can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget
it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
Cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain
You'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down,
I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped
Cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
Plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a
Moment.
'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I . Let's go get a
beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is
it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Well, darn...
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'?'
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><><><><>
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth!
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America Pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decades's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials , the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
MHS 1950 Classmates supporting each other on www.malverne1950.com
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...It's already tomorrow in New Zealand !"
(Charles Schultz)
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup..'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ??? (From Don Belcher!)