AGING HUMOR

 

 Here's a fun remake of the Creation Story, sent from our Classmate in Oregon, Danalee Rumbell Fregulia!  

                             




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1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."
7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"
9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"
10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."
12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

Here's a fun activity  to take you away from your Crossword Puzzle in today's paper, thanks from Tom Esposito

 

Doo Wop Quiz



Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!  
~

Take the quiz and see how you score as a true ''Oldies Fan.''
Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end.

(Answers  Below)


Don't cheat, now !

1. When did ''Little Suzie''  finally wake up?
(a)    The movie's over, it's 2  o'clock
(b)    The movie's over, it's 3  o'clock
(c)    The movie's over, it's 4  o'clock

2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
(a)    Rebel Without A Cause
(b)    Blackboard Jungle
(c)    The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint?   Earth _____
(a)    Angel
(b)    Mother
(c)    Worm

4.  ''I found my thrill .. . ..''  where?
(a)     Kansas City
(b)    Heartbreak Hotel
(c)
    Blueberry Hill

5.  ''Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a  dream,'':
(a)    Mr. Sandman
(b)    Earth Angel
(c)    Dream Lover

6..  For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a)    Atlantic
(b)    RCA
(c)    Sun

7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?''  Who was he?
(a)    Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b)    Charlie Brown
(c)    Buster Brown

8.. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
(a)    MacHeath
(b)    MacCloud
(c)    MacNamara

9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
(a)    Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b)    Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c)    Tutti Fruitti

10.  Who is generally given credit for originating the term  ''Rock And Roll''?
(a)     Dick Clark
(b)     Wolfman Jack
(c)     Alan Freed

11.  In 1957, he left the music business  to become a  preacher:
(a)     Little Richard
(b)     Frankie Lymon
(c)     Tony Orlando

12.   Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
(a)     Brenda Lee
(b)     Connie Francis
(c)     Annette Funicello

13.   The Everly Brothers are . . ....
(a)    Pete and Dick
(b)    Don   and Phil
(c)    Bob  and Bill

14.
   The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a)    Jiles P. Richardson
(b)    Roy  Harold Scherer Jr.
(c)     Marion Michael Morrison

15.   In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small  record company called...
(a)     Decca
(b)     Cameo
(c)     Motown

16.   Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''. What TV show was he on?
(a)     77 Sunset Strip
(b)     Hawaiian Eye
(c)     Surfside Six

17.   In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a)     Carol Lynley
(b)     Sandra Dee
(c)     Natalie Wood

18.   They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of  Love'':
(a)    The  Penguins
(b)    The  Monotones
(c)    The  Moonglows

19.   The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''
(a)     Loved
(b)     Kissed
(c)     Met

20.   Chuck Berry sang ''Oh, ___________, why can't you  be true?''
(a)     Suzie Q
(b)     Peggy Sue
(c)     Maybelline

21.   ''Wooly _______''
(a)     Mammouth

(b)     Bully
(c)
     Pully

22.   ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . . . .."
(a)     can't go into town no more
(b)     sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c)     peepin' in a seafood store

23.   ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . .. . ..''
(a)     cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b)     cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c)     cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

24.   ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is .  .  . . . .''
(a)    Mr. Earl
(b)     Jack ie Pearl
(c)     Milton Berle

25.   ''You're my Fanny and nobody else's .....''
(a)     girl
(b)     butt
(c)     love

26.   ''I want you to play with my ... . . ''
(a)     heart
(b)     dreams
(c)    ding a ling

27.   ''Be Bop A Lula ....''
(a)    she's got the rabies
(b)    she's my baby.
(c)    she loves me, maybe

28.   ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing ....''
(a)     right here
(b)     fifty cents
(c)     just for you

29.   ''He wore black denim trousers and . . .''
(a)    a  pink carnation
(b)     pink leotards
(c)     motorcycle boots

30.   ''I got a gal named . . .''
(a)     Jenny Zamboni
(b)     Gerri Mahoney
(c)     Boney Marone
y


 


 

Answers:

Scroll Down so you aren't tempted to cheat  (as if cheating were needed here).
* * * * * * * * * * * *

1     (c)    The movie's over,  it's 4 o'clock
2.    (b)    Blackboard Jungle
3.    (a)    Angel
4.    (c)    Blueberry Hill
5.    (a)    Mr. Sandman
6.    (c)    Sun
7.    (b)    Charlie Brown
8.    (a)    Mac Heath
9.    (c)    Tutti Fruitti
10.  (c)    Alan Freed
11.  (a)    Little Richard
12.  (c)    Annette Funicello
13.  (b)    Don and Phil
14.  (a)    Jiles P. Richardson
15.  (c)    Motown
16.  (a)    77 Sunset Strip
17.  (b)    Sandra Dee
18.  (b)    The Monotones
19.  (b)    Kissed
20.  (c)    Maybelline
21.  (b)    Bully
22.  (c)    peepin' in a seafood store
23.  (b)    cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24.  (a)    Mr. Earl
25.  (b)    butt
26.  (c)    ding a ling
27.  (b)    she's my baby
28.  (a)    right here
29.  (c)    motorcycle boots
30.  (c)    Boney Maroney
 


Forward to everyone lucky enough to be teenagers in the Doo Wop era.
________

ROCK ON!   

 

 

 

 


 Here's A good laugh, even if you’re NOT over 50!


When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800
employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures
and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for
Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great
grand kids could
 communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as
simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl,
Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that
sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting
world.


My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except
the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like
this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.


The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every
now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box
under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use
when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble
talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I
had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that
gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.
Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating."  You would
think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She
would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next
light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good
relationship.


When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell
 her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same
tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones
in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how
I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair
cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone
rings.


The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I
go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something
themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just
knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid
looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.


Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say,
"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
 Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.


I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

PS I know some of you are not over 50.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward
it to those who are.
 
 

 

Thanks to Renee Vecellio Campanella for these amazing photos of famous people.  Just a reminder that history repeats itself.  The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the web site administrator, but then again, maybe they do.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
The economy is so bad that ...
 
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf. 

If the bank returns a check marked "Insufficient Funds," ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. 

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
 
And, finally:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Mental Health Hotline.  It's been outsourced to a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck and knew how to find Times Square

 

Click on the juke box to find  a cool site from Patty Peek Arceneaux-Conti: top hits on a cool Juke Box! Also some pretty funny videos on that site too!          

 

                                             

Here's a cool, cool, cool video sent in by Wendy Galvan Paul, way out there in..... Clovis, Ca.  This is so funny and so true!  You will need to scroll down to the bottom of this page first and turn off the Juke Box first to hear it well.... sorry.   Thanks Wendy~ 

 

 


 
The Old Days
Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty year olds shudder and say "Eeeew!" But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself: 
In 1953, the US population was less than 150 million... yet you knew more people then, and knew them better... and that was good. 
The average annual salary was under $3,000... yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life... and that was good.  A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... but it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one... and that was good. 
Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gun Smoke and Lassie...  So  nobody ever heard of ratings or filters... and that was good. 
We didn't have air-conditioning... so the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike... and that was good. 
Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins...  but not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... and that was good. 
The only hazardous material you knew about was a patch of grass burrs around the light pole at the corner... and that was good. 
You loved to climb into a fresh bed... because sheets were dried on the clothesline... and that was good. 
People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives...  so "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... and that was good. 
Parents were respected and their rules were the law....  Children did not talk back... and that was good. 
TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious color... and that was certainly good. 
Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor... and the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs...  and that was very good. 
Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... and chickens behind the garage... and that was definitely good. 
And just when you were about to do something really bad... chances were you'd run into your Dad's high school coach... or the nosy old lady from up the street... or your little sister's piano teacher... or somebody from church....  all of whom knew your parents' phone number... And YOUR first name...  And even THAT was good!
REMEMBER... 
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys,  Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows  Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday  matinee, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with  sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! 
And was it really that long ago? 

 

Thanks from Tom Esposito and Patti Peek Arceneaux-Conti

Summary of Life 

 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.. 
 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 
 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 10) 
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. 

 
 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts 
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.. 


 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 
 
 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional... 
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions... 
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 


 THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 

 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus..
 4) You look like Santa Claus. 


 
SUCCESS:

 At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. 
 At age 12 success is . . . Having friends. 
 At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license. 
 At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
 At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
 At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license. 
 At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends. 
 At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants. 
 

Barbie is 51 years old, it's about time someone revealed the truth about her life now. Thanks to Renee Vecellio Campanella

 


 
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
 

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
 
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
 
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
 
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
 
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
 
7. Things you buy now won't wear out..
 
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm .
 
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
 
10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
 
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 
12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13.  You sing along with elevator music.
 
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
 
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
 
16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
 
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
 
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
 
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
 

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
 And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
 

 

 

 
 The top video was from Randa Burrows GREAT STUFF
Humor about Anniversaries is from Renee Vacellios Campanella who just celebrated her 40th Anniversary, married to Charlie Campanella, class of '68. 
From Tom Esposito, important Computer virus information! 

 



I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.  

Symp tom s:

1. Causes you to   send the same e-mail twice....   done that! 

2.. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!   that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.  yep!

 

4. Causes you to   send it back to the person who sent it to you.  DUH!


5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.   well darn! 

6. Causes you to   hit "SEND" before you've finished.  oh   no - not   again!


7.. Causes you to   hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that! 

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you

should  "DELETE."  Oh   No! 

IT IS CALLED THE 

  "C-NILE VIRUS!!!" 

Hmmm....
Have I already sent this to y
ou???

 

 

 

 
  

Please send your favorite aging humor!   Kafween@mac.com 

 

Old is when.... 

sent by Renee Vecellio Campanella

'OLD' IS WHEN...  
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...  
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...  
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your f ace .

'OLD' IS WHEN....  
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...  
You are cautioned to slow down by the   doctor instead of by the police   .

'OLD' IS WHEN .. 
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....  
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...  
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....  
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes. 

(I posted this in large type so you could read it)  
 

 
 

Thoughts about Life, sent by Tom Esposito

Marriage changes passion. 
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. 
So I said 'Implants?'  

She hit me.

How come we choose from just  two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss   America?

 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

 When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.' 

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

 Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply

press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

 AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,

but they can in prison?

A completely brillant question!!!!!!! 

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

 Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot

be displayed outside?

Another completely brilliant question!!!! 

 Bumper sticker of the year: 
'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

This is a very special statement!!!!!!!!!

 And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The close

 
 
 
Exercise for people over 50 from Renee Vecellio Campanella

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side .

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

 

Artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers ....



 

New Releases Include:

 

Herman's Hermits ---


Mrs. Brown,
 You've Got A Lovely Walker


  
 

Ringo Starr --- 
I Get By
 With A Little Help From Depends


  
  
 

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend
 A Broken Hip?

 

 



 

Roberta Flack---

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

 

 

 

Johnny Nash --- 
 

CAN'T See Clearly Now.


 


  
 

Paul Simon---

Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver


  
  
  
 

The Commodores ---

Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom

 



 

Procol Harum---

A Whiter Shade Of Hair  

 

Leo Sayer ---

You Make Me Feel Like Napping

 



 

The Temptations ---

Papa's Got A Kidney Stone 
                                



 

Abba---

Denture Queen

    
  
  
  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Helen Reddy ---

I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore 



 

Lesley Gore---

It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To 

 

 

 

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---

On the Commode Again 

                     


  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Small Canadian Flag
  
This is what the Canadian side  of Mt. Rushmore looks like, hockey champs my ...uh foot! 
 
And below, what doctors do while you are under anesthesia....... I think I'll wait on that knee replacement.....

                          

Below is From Deb Martin McCabe (I wonder if this happened to her and she is changing the name to protect the innocent?):

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED-FACED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A- ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

 

 

I love this Doctor!  
 



Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?  
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.  

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?   
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?  
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
         
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?   
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?   

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?  
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.  

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?   
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape!  

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"
   
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.  

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats  
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

 

Submitted by Jan Finke Pleger

Why Dinosaurs are extinct:

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not  far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything they had for rides.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you moron!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

Pregnant at 61

 A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by  one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination  room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.  After listening, he had her sit down and told he to relax in another room while he verified the situation.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.  "What's the matter with you?"  the older doctor demanded."Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grand-children, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing  without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"     

 

From Stacy Romangnolo~ 

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

 

     

                  CRAP......

                      I forgot what it was! 

          

 

                                                                                                       Hey, these guys don't look so old to me......

*****************************************************


 

 

> In case you missed it on 60  Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about 
> women over 50 


> As  I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few 
> reasons  why:

> A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and  ask, 
> 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

> If a woman  over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around 
> whining about it.  She does  something she wants to do, and it's usually 
> more interesting.

> Women over  50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you 
> at the opera or in  the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you 
> deserve it, they won't  hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get 
> away with it.

> Older  women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what 
> it's like to be  unappreciated.

> Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess  your sins to a 
> woman over 50.

> Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman  over 50 is far sexier than her 
> younger counterpart.

> Older women are  forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you 
> are a jerk, if you are  acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where 
> you stand with  her..

> Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, 
> it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot  woman over 
> 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of  himself 
> with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

> For all  those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for 
> free? Here's  an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against  
> marriage. Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to 
> get a little  sausage!

> Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
> Send  this to five fine, fun, fabulous, fancy-free female friends, or Men 
> who might  appreciate it too.

 

Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming

Here we have hundreds of angry protestors gathering to protest Global Warming.  Doesn't this bring back the days of Berkeley protests?  

******************************************************************************

 Here's a video sent in by Linda Cannon Floyd 

 

 

 

Summary of Life . . .
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person..
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.


Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

 

I found this explained a lot, and helped me accept something I have been having a problem with at schools I drive by:  


What is generation Y?


  
   
Hmm,  I've always wondered this myself.. Now I know.  


-  The Silent  generation,  people  born before 1946. 
 
 - The Baby  Boomers, people born between 1946 and  1959. 
 
 - Generation  X, people born between 1960 and 1979.  

Generation  Y
,  people  born between 1980 and 2009  
 
 Why  do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know,  but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...Learned  something new today!
  
  
 
 

 

============================================================

Yes, I'm Getting Old....

But I would never trade my amazing friends, my  wonderful life, my loving  family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.  As I've aged, I've  become kinder to myself, and less critical of  myself. I've become my  own friend. I don't chide myself for eating  that extra cookie, or  for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I  didn't need, but  looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to  a treat, to be  messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before   they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer   until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those  wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish  to  weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging  body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,  despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is  just as well forgotten. And I  eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart  not  break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or  even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But broken  hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A  heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will  never know the  joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have  my hair turning  gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever  etched into deep  grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair  could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about   what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I   like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what  could  have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat  dessert  every single day (if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT   FROM THE HEART! 

 

===============================================================

Thoughts to ponder:

      1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately             clear your computer's history if you die.

 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
 
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
 
 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
 
13.. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
 
 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
 
 15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
 
 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
 
 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
 
18. My 4-year old grand son asked me in the car the other day "Grandma,  what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?
 
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
 
 
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

 

 

 hippies

Have you ever wondered what happened to all those cute and crazy, good looking, young hippie chicks who did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed everywhere during the Age of Aquarius back in the 60's?
 Well, wonder no more!
 

 

OK, that's just ugly isn't it?

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ 

How Pumpkin Pie is Made:

 

 Well, another potty humor, Maybe this isn't appropriate, but it's hecka funny, Happy Turkey Day!

================================================================
 

 One for the old folks!  

 

 

Observations on Growing Older 

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything ...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forgot
they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going
to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

~Your husband is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".

~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married ...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...
were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?" ???

~Now that you can afford
expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys
but he's home by 9:00 P.M. ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired ...
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things: old songs old movies

 

And best of all OLD FRIENDS!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 
    

 

Thanks to Jose Azevedo for the following amazing comments!
 
Comments made in the year 1955!

I’ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it’s going to be impossible to
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00.



Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won’t
be long before $2,000.00 will
only buy a used one.



Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.

If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.

I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.

I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it’s possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas .

Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the
President.

I never thought I’d see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They're even making
electric typewriters now.

It’s too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet.

It won’t be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.

I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won’t live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.

The fast food restaurant is
convenient for a quick meal,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.



No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it’s too rich for
my blood.

If they think I’ll pay 30 cents
for a haircut, forget it.





 

Ok, I try to keep this site clean and tasteful, but I could not resist this next bit of humor called, " Did Philip Fart?"  You make the call as you look at these pictures:

 

                           

 

 

 

 

John Cotter sent this website, check it out by clicking on the KYA logo,  it will bring back sounds and memories from the 60's!

 

 

Now here are  some sweethearts! If I dance with my husband on Valentine's Day it will be the Hokey Pokey, but check this senior salsa!

 

 And here's another serious concern for this new Year

They've got to stop cutting down so many trees! The results are devestating  Keep it green!

 

Sent to me by Randa Burrows.  Were we GREEN in '69?

 

It’s All About the "Green" Thing

  In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing  back in my day.”

 That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store.  The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and
refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

 In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the
grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.

 Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really
did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

 Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish,
not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the
mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

 Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by  working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.

 They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

 Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
20,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

 But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
 
 
 

 

Ken sent these to me, wonder if he's having trouble remembering the reunion?  

Ken Costa's Comedy Corner:  

 

A few good Senior Moments

An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their ninetiesare both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guysare out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 



A manwas telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor .. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

 



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 



One more. .
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.


The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'


'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Now, before you 'forget',
send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !

 

    

 

 

 

 

=

 

Observations on Maturing
 
It's harder to tell navy from black.
 
Yellow becomes THE color of skin -- hair -- teeth.
 
Going out is good. Coming home is better.
 
When people say you look "Great", they add "for your age".
 
You forget names. It's okay because other people forgot they even knew you.
 
The last two outfits you wore had spots on them.
 
You ask your spouse or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.
 
The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15. You have a better chance of losing your keys than the pounds.
 
You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially playing the piano or golf.
 
Your spouse is counting on you to remember the things you don't remember.
 
The things you cared to do, you don't care to do now. You do not care that you don't care to do them anymore.
 
Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called the "pre-sleep".
 
You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married. Now you say, "I hope they STAY married!"
 
Who wants to wear three or four inch heels anyway?
 
You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
 
You remember when GOOGLE, IPod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
 
You use more four letter words - what? when?
 
Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
 
Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
 
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
 
Notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless.
 
Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
 
Your concealer doesn't conceal.
 
Your lipstick bleeds.
 
Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing.
 
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked weekly.
 
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
 
Everybody whispers.
 
Now that your spouse has retired, you'd give anything if they would find a job.
 
You have three sizes of clothes in your closet two of which you will never wear.
 
But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all OLD FRIENDS. Thanks for being one of mine!
 
 

 

 

This cartoon depicts an incident that happened at my house, very similar to this... could this happen to you?

 

 

Click on the iphone to go to a very interesting slide show about how technology has changed our lives... 

                      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FROM A RETIREE:

 
A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Curley the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day.

 

Since more and more "older people" are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).  I wonder which ones I'll use the most?


       ATD: At The Doctor's

 

       BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

       BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

       CBM: Covered By Medicare

       CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

       DWI: Driving While Incontinent

       FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

       FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

       FYI: Found Your Insulin

       GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

       GHA: Got Heartburn Again

        IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

       LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

       LOL: Living On Lipitor

       LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

       OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

       OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

       ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

       TTYL: Talk To You Louder

       WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

       WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

       WTP: Where's The Prunes?

       WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oiling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It all began with an iPhone... 
September was when my son celebrated his birthday, and I got him an iPhone. 
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?






I celebrated my birthday in October, and my wife made me very happy when 
she bought me an iPad.




My daughter's birthday was in November so I got her an iPod Touch.









December came by & for Christmas i got my wife an iRon. 
 
 
It was around then that everything hit the fan......
 

 

 

As we approach 60, we have choices to make regarding our health.  I have done a bit of research and will put the facts out to you here on the website.  You make the call.  

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits that Yoga does

SAVASAVANA - POSITION OF TOTAL RELAXATION

 BALASANA- POSITION THAT BRINGS THE SENSATION OF PEACE AND CALM

 

SETU BANDHA SARVANGASANA- THIS POSITION CALMS THE BRAIN AND HEALS TIRED LEGS

MARJAYASANA - POSITION STIMULATES THE MIDRIFF AREA AND THE SPINAL COLUMN

HALASANA - EXCELLENT FOR BACK PAIN AND INSOMNIA 

DOLPHIN - EXCELLENT FOR THE SHOULDER AREA, THORAX, LEGS AND ARMS

SALAMBHASANA - GREAT EXERCISE TO STIMULATE THE LUMBAR AREA, LEGS AND ARMS

ANANDA BALASANA - THIS POSITION IS GREAT FOR MASAGING THE HIP AREA

PIGEON - TONES THE BODY, AND BUILDS FLEXIBILITY AND HELPS GET RID OF STRESS

 

 

 

 

Here's that cool juke box back, click on it and hear songs of 1969

 

Got this email from a friend of mine who is very hip in the techie world.  What do you think about all these predictions?  My land line no longer rings, and I'm glad my husband retired from the post office before it doesn't exist! What's you take on any of these predictions?  

THESE ARE NOT MY OPINIONS EXPRESSED BUT FROM AN EMAIL I RECEIVED.....

Changes Are Coming

Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them. But, ready or not, here they come


1. The Post Office. Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.


2. The Check. Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.

 

3. The Newspaper. The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.


4. The Book. You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.


5. The Land Line Telephone. Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they've always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.

 

6. Music. This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalog items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, "Before the Music Dies."


7. Television. Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.


8. The "Things" That You Own. Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services." That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider.

In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big "Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.


9. Privacy. If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. And "They" will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.


All we will have that can't be changed are Memories. 

 

 

                                        

 

Now that is the coolest thing I've seen in a long time!  A Radio Flyer Wagon.... did you have one, and what's one of your memories about it?  I lived a few doors down from Kathy Stark and we would stick an old milk crate in our wagon, attach the wagon with ropes to a tricycle, and "Wagons Ho!" , We'd be travelling in the buck board.  Send me your memories of the Radio Flyer Wagon.... by clicking on the wagon below...

                                            

And here's our first contributor, John Cotter:

 I vaguely remember my own red wagon, too. But I don't think it was a Radio Flyer (they went OUT a bit before our time).

Back then (30s and 40s), "radio" was affixed to names of products ... just because "radio" was so new that marketing for various products simply included the name "radio" even though the product had NOTHING to do with radios, in order to attract some interest.

... in our own time, the word "ATOMIC" had that same use. I can remember products that had that name included in their "total" name, even though there was nothing radioactive or explosive re: the product.

 

Here's a great picture I found posted on Facebook by one of our classmates.  Do you see Denise Milton in this photo, and maybe that's Meredith Asher, and Craig Noble on the swim team! 

Here's some great ads from the 50's.  Hard to believe, not real PC!

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  I TURNED THE JUKE BOX OFF FOR AWHILE SO YOU COULD LISTEN TO THESE VIDEOS! 

 

 

                    t

 

   Remember making an apron in Home Ec?  Read below:

 The History of  'APRONS'

 

 I don't think our kids know what an apron is. 

 

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material.  But along with that, it served as a potholder for  removinghot pans from the oven. 

 

 It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

 

 From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. 

 

 When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.. 

 

 And when the weather was cold grandma wrapped it around her arms. 

 

 Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,

 

bent over the hot wood stove.

 Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. 

 

 From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.

 

After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

 In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

 

 When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. 

 

 When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folks knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. 

 

 It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes. 

 

 

 REMEMBER:

 

 Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.  Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw. 

 

 They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron

 

 I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love... 

 

 

 

Barbie is 51 years old, it's about time someone revealed the truth about her life now. Thanks to Renee Vecellio Campanella

 

 

 

 

   

 

 
New Home Page, all the old material is still on the site, but has been put on pages.  Look to the left to find new pages.  Check out live chat, maybe you'll catch another Pirate willing to chat with you.  To enable this feature, you must allow your name to show in WHOSE ONLINE NOW? WHICH IS AT THE

 

 

In Memory~

The response to this site has been very touching. If you can offer information or encouraging stories regarding our classmates who have passed, it will be a loving gesture,  greatly appreciated.  This is a wonderful opportunity to offer tributes to our classmates who have gone on before us, offering healing and thoughtful regard for lives that touched ours.   Please visit this site and contribute. 

 

 

 

What does Wikipedia have to say about San Leandro High School?    Click on it and see!  

 

 

Kathleen Quinlan Rushing, site administrator (webmistress)