Some things to make you smile: 

1. You come from dust and you will return to dust.  That’s why I don’t dust.  It could be someone I know.
2. One minute you’re young and fun.  And the next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.
3. One day you’ll be able to tell your grandkids “I survived the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020.”
4. There’s nothing scarier than the split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think “THEY ARE GOING TO FIND ME NAKED.”
5. You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.
6. Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I say I’m having a very good day.
7. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers
8. A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.  J Robson Koenig
9. I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
10. This “killing them with kindness” is taking way longer than I expected.
11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.  Will Rogers
12. Want to know what God thinks of money?  Look at the people he gave it to.  Dorothy Parker
13. They say marriages are made in Heaven.  But so is thunder and lightning.  Clint Eastwood
14. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.  Molly Ivins
15. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.  Demetri Martin
16. For sale:  Parachute.  Only used once, never opened, small stain.  Anonymous
17. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.  Yogi Berra
18. It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks.  Charlie Chaplin
19. I’d like to live like a poor man—only with lots of money.  Pablo Picasso
20. When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President.  I’m beginning to believe it.  Clarence Darrow

Compliment of Bizwaremagic’s Funny Quote

Thank you Patty Mills Lydy for sharing