Getting Old Isn't Funny, Or..
This month's "Getting Old Isn't Funny!" . . . . . . .Or is it?
Entered on May 1, 2020:
When I am an Old Woman
I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves,
and satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and a pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.
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A Poem for 80-year-olds
Though I’d let my doctor check me
‘Cause I didn’t feel quite right;
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn’t sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder,
But he wouldn’t let it rest;
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
It wouldn’t hurt to do some test.
To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn’t feel that bad;
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.
I was Fluoroscoped and Cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed;
Striped upon an ice-cold table
While my gizzards were X-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud;
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around;
And to make sure I was living
They wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded
Their results have filled a page;
What I have will someday kill me,
My affliction is just OLD AGE!
Some Senior Humor
THINGS JUST AIN'T THE SAME ANYMORE
Everything is further away that it used to be.
It is twice as far to the corner, and I notice that they've added a hill.
I've given up running for the bus; it leaves faster than it used to.
It seems they're making the stairs steeper than in the old days, too.
And have you noticed the smaller print they now use in the newspaper?
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud - everyone speaks in such low voices I an hardly hear them.
The material in clothes made today -- so skimpy now -- especially around the waist.
It's almost impossible to reach my shoelaces and I can't figure out why.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran across an old classmate the other day, and he had aged so badly he didn't even recognize me!!!
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Remember when drinking beer was a whole lot of fun? Maybe for you it still is! At any rate, for real beer "affionadoes" when something terrible happens to your beer, it can be a maddening situation.
Here is a video of serious BEER TRAGEDIES
(PARDON THE ROUGH LANGUAGE; THE NARRATOR IS AN AUSSIE:
CLICK ON THE "COMMENTARY ON TRAGIC BEER DEATHS" BELOW AND WAIT A FEW SECONDS FOR THE VIDEO TO LOAD.
Old Is When...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy....
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!