Retirement Humor

Most of our classmates are now retired, and have been retired long enough to find real humor in retirement living.  Here are some pieces of good humor that have been sent in by our retired classmates:

Part XII:

Senior Smiles:

Some of the artists of the 50's and 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby Boomers and those of us from the Silent Generation.  They include the following:

  • Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker."
  • Ringo Starr - "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends."
  • The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
  • Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash."
  • Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face."
  • Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now."
  • Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver."
  • The Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom."
  • Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair."
  • Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping."
  • The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone."
  • Abba - "Denture Queen."
  • Tony Orlando - "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You hear Me Fall."
  • Helen Reddy - "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore."
  • Leslie Gore - "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To."
  • Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again."

Senior One-Liners:

  • Kids today just don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet just to change the TV channel.
  • Remember back when we were kids and every time the temperature was below zero they closed school?  Me neither.
  • I may not be that funny or athletic, or good looking or smart or talented...I forgot where I was going with this.
  • I love being over 80:  I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
  • I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.


Part XI:



Part X:

He's Stuck With The Tombstone

Mays Landing, N.J.(AP) - Art Cranz's sister-in-law was ready to die, and even bought a tombstone, casket and a cemetery plot.  Then she recovered miraculously and is starting a new life.  Cranz is stuck with the tombstone.

He keeps the 550-pound momument, complete with cross, scrollwork and blank space for a name in his living room, and hopes to sell it for $275.  He placed a classified ad: "Grave Monument, Tombstone - didn't die, don't need it," but there have been few serious takers.

His sister-in-law, Marion,has declined to discuss her recent undisclosed illness.

Cranz said Monday she's "starting a new life - new house, new boyfriend, new everything.  So she asked me to take the tombstone."

The plot was easy to sell, and a magician bought the casket.  But the tombstone just won't move.

Cranz says $250 is his "rock bottom" price for the tombstone, which he said cost $855.  "If we don't get that, we'll put it in storage,"he said."  "After all, everyone needs one eventually."


Part IX:

Sometimes Seniors don't Understand Directions.

I assume we are all Seniors ...
This is why you, a Senior, should listen to your Doctors instructions.
I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes!  Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it  around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist,  shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank  God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anyway!


Part VIII:

Thank GOD there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the

can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,

But first I need to push the Diet Coke aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk;

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the

kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table;

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,

And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

And I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll take a short nap...


Part VII:

TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2016 & 2017

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.  

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there thanks to my children, friends, family and work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable. I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.


Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! 


Part VI:

My new cell phone

I just got my new cell phone, and it's one that I can understand, outsmart, and know how to operate!!!

I got it at the "Verizon Cell Phone for Seniors store" at the mall!
You REALLY have to be OLD to appreciate THIS.

I know all of us are old enough to get this,

but you can pass it on to one of your grandchildren,

who just may need a laugh today!!!



Part V:

It has taken me many, many months of my retirement time, but I have just finished building my new Medicine Cabinet. I don’t know about you, but I think it was well worth the time and expense.

A wine cellar
Daily dose
Chardonay de Paeuf
1 glass
4 glasses
Bourgogne or Bordeaux
( + sugar and cinnamon )
3 cups
Anjou blanc  Vouvray
4 glasses
Coronary arteries
Dry Champagne
4 glasses
Beaujolais Nouveau
4 glasses
Champagne sec
1 bottle
Burgundy, Santenay Rouge
2 glasses
Uric acid gout
Sancerre, Pouilly Fume
4 glasses
Alsace, Sancerre
4 glasses
Saint Emilion
4 glasses
4 glasses
4 glasses
Rose Provence
1 bottle
4 glasses
Excessive weight loss
Chateau de Beaune
4 glasses
From the Australian Association 
Of Retired People
Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under 'fiction'.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory ?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q:Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
A: Nudity
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


Part IV:


(Gleaned from 75 years of observation)


This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender. Men Are Just Happier People.


What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000; Tux rental -$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You’re in just one mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about army tanks.


A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.





- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.


- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.




- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.


- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.




- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.


- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.




- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.


- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.




- A woman has the last word in any argument.


- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.




- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.




- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.




- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.


- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.




- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.


- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.




- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.


- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.




- A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, our hope is that the women who read this have a sense of humor.... and for the men, we hope it confirms what you already knew.


Part III:

Useful Facts To Know When You Grow Older

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that
seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and
saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose
coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach &
stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would
have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember
its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter
under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell
them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a
burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message.


Part II:

Modern Love Story...

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."

The husband texted back to her:   

"I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."


Part I:

Retirement: The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes!

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
 (You probably didn't see that coming?)