Barking Dog


Our neighbor has been complaining that our dog has been barking non-stop when we leave our home.  If you know me, you know I hate electric zapping bark collars.  So, I purchased a citronella collar.  When I got home, I got the collar ready.  There was no light or indication that it was working, so...being the idiot I am, I'm standing on my back porch “barking” at my dog’s collar. 

Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "get started " check list one more time.  Again, I bark. Nothing happens.

Now, I'm not quite sure WHY I had the next thought, but...I put on the collar.  Seriously, I extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face. 

I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity.  I’m now on my hands and knees on our patio, eyes jammed shut, trying to breathe.  And to make matters worse, Brutus is now barking at me.  So between coughing and yelling at the dog to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face.

During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this fiasco.  I finally get the collar off and threw the thing across the yard.  There I am, laying on the patio trying to breath in some air.  In the middle of thinking that this has probably been the dumbest thing I've done in a very long time, I hear laughter. 

MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING!!  She was laughing so hard she couldnt breathe!  Between gasps she tells me "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to, you'd set it off again and then I'd start laughing and couldn't make it".  So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too.  After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower. Doing the walk of shame.

Lesson time:
1. Dont fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.

On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!