Senior Thoughts


On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory will be out of bounds for all  females.  Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the back and inquired:  "How much for a season pass?



We have everything that we wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later

We don’t have to go to school and we don’t have to go to work

We get an allowance every month

We have our own pad

We don’t have a curfew

We have a driver’s license and our own car

We have ID that gets us into bars and the liquor store

The people we hang around with aren’t scared of getting pregnant

And we don’t have acne

Life is great!



WIFE: "What would you do if I died?  Would  you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not...don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND:  "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?  (With a hurtful look on her  face)."
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she wear my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "Well, I suppose so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: .....silence.....
HUSBAND:  "Shittt..."



❤❤ Lost Keys❤❤

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys.  I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my purse or in my pockets.  Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.  He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.  The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.  "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, "Well, can you come and get me?"

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"



An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time,  became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:  "  Dr. Geezer's clinic.  Get your treatment for $100;  if not cured get $50." 
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $50. 
 So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.  It went like this:

 Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please help me." 

 Dr. Geezer:  ---  "Nurse, please bring the medicine from bottle 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." 
 Dr. Young: --- "Aaagh !! ... This is Gasoline!" 
 Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $100." 
 Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 
 Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 

 Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from bottle 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
 Doctor Young:  "Oh no you don't,   --  that is Gasoline!" 
 Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $100." 
 Dr. Young (after having lost $200) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 
 Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak  ---   I can hardly see!!!! 
 Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so --  " Here's your $50."
 Dr. Young: "But this is only $20..." 
 Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!   That will be $100." 
 Moral of story  --  Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer” !!!



Senior Mental Fitness Evaluation

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok.

There are 4 test questions.  

 Giraffe Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.  
The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
 Elephant Test
2..    How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? 
Wrong Answer.  Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Lion King Test
 3.  The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference.  All the animals attend ... except one.  Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 Crocodile Test

4.. There is a river you must cross but it is home to a bunch of crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.  Haven’t you been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
How did you do??



Random Thoughts on Aging

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much faster now!

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.  If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today.  That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet...

I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights".   I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops!  Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age  "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I went in there in the first place.



Importance Of Walking

Walking can add months to your life.  This enables you when you're 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old. And we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, Especially when they are taken By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year, Spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there. 

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise in the last few years,......
Just getting over the hill. 

We all get heavier as we get older, Because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour.  And by the time I leave, I look just fine.