What I think I think


Aaron Karo's 'Ruminations'

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun."  Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?  But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. The “clean filter” light on my air conditioner just went on. I immediately went searching for the instruction manual – not to figure out how to clean the filter, of course, but to figure out how to turn that little light off.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Atari or Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem.  Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem?  There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's.  We just figured it out.  Today's kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people.  I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar.  I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom.  Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way.  We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through.  And the guy on the other side is me.  Even cats can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu.  Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to  say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.  Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads,  I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."  Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some smuck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.  Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories.

35. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

36. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

37. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?  Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

38. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. 

39. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after CDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.  (I'm ignoring DVD's and Blue Ray)

40. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

41. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

42. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

43. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.  There's so much pressure. I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on?  I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.  Will we still be friends after this?'

44. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA.  No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

45. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?  Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer?  Drop the phone and run away?

46. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

47. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

48. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

49. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

50. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

51. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

52. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call me.

53. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

54. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

55. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"  How the hell do I respond to that?

56. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

57. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

58. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

59. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Tequilla or Miller Lites than Kay.

60. The other day I noticed that the little tray thing that holds the silverware in my dishwasher had some dried food stuck to it. I thought to myself, this really needs to go in the… oh wait.

61. Ever notice that when you’re sitting at a restaurant and the waiter comes over to take your order, you instinctively re-open and look at your menu even though you already know exactly what you want?

62. I have this sneaking suspicion that when people say to me “No worries,” they mean just the opposite.

63. I have no idea how to do laundry.  No, no, not like I have some idea but just don’t know how much fabric softener to use, I mean I have NO IDEA how to do laundry.  I just had this vision that there would be some cute chick in the laundry room every time I went there who would show me how to do it.  Dreams die hard, but I have no underwear.

64. How can this special, personalized offer be available to me “or Current Resident”?

65. Why is there a sign outside the sauna in the men’s locker room of my gym that says: “Do not use if pregnant”?

66. You know you’re not all there when you’re standing in the elevator for a minute, wondering why nothing’s happening, before you realize you never pressed any buttons.

67. Why are there more personnel at the airport helping people who can’t figure out how to use the “self-service” e-ticket machine than anywhere else?

68. I hate waiters who attempt to memorize your order.  Don’t try to impress me, just write that shit down.

69. Fact: the guys who stick fliers underneath your windshield wipers are a species of mole people who have never actually been observed in the wild.

70. By tradition, the man alone decides when to propose.  This is the first and only time we hold all the cards.  So if your boyfriend has been beating around the bush about dropping to one knee, don’t misinterpret it as cold feet.  It just takes a while to absolve fifteen years of sexual frustration.  Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?

71. I’ve found that when I’m on the treadmill I tend to slyly glance at the person next to me to see how fast they’re running.  Like we’re in some sort of crazy race that goes nowhere.

72. The other day, my remote control died.  I grabbed some new batteries, opened the remote, took out the old batteries, then looked down at the pile of four batteries in front of me – two new, two old – and had no idea which was which.  I think the shock of how dumb I felt was enough to power the remote.

73. I was partying last year when I accomplished a first for me – I had two different tabs open on two different cards simultaneously at the same bar. Some might call that being an idiot. But I call it “building credit history.”

74. Getting up at the crack of dawn for work is sort of like doing the New York Times crossword puzzle – it gets harder and harder as the week goes on until it’s almost impossible on Friday.

75. Why I am I constantly being bombarded with mass emails containing “new contact info” from people I never contact in the first place?

76. If you can’t feed Gremlins after midnight, then when can you feed them?

77. Some girls around here are actually TOO hot. Which prompts me to pose an important philosophical question – if a perfect ten walks in the door but no one can talk to her…does she exist?

78. I love when someone at the pizza place tries to pay with a fifty-dollar bill and the cashier holds it up to the light and studies it closely like he’s some kind of counterfeiting expert. Stick to slicing pepperoni, chief!

79. Attempting to rotate your mattress by yourself is possibly one of the most depressing – and dangerous – parts of being single.

80. I think it’s safe to take the fax number off your email signature.

81. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how easy identity theft must have been in the 1800s.

82. I probably shouldn’t be eating a “meal replacement bar” for dessert.

84. I don’t care if you used to run track in college – you’re a girl and therefore I can beat you in anything athletic. I will race you any distance. Just name the time and place and give me two to three years to get back into shape.

85. You ever notice that you consider the time on your cell phone to be the “official time”? You can ask someone the time, or look at your watch, but you’re never really sure until you pull out your cell phone. By the way, what time is it?”

86. Why does the amount of time it takes my iPod to fully charge have absolutely no correlation to the amount of time it was actually in use?

87. I plan on sending my cardiologist bill directly to the designer who placed the switch for the lights in my kitchen right next to the switch for the garbage disposal.

88. When I’m walking with a bunch of guys and girls, inevitably the guys will stop at a corner, look back, and see that the girls are nowhere to be found. Why can’t girls walk faster? And it’s not like they’re half a block behind. They’re like six blocks behind. And we only walked four blocks!

89. How come my computer hasn’t shut down properly in like two years?

90. I love how the solar-powered calculator I used in 7th grade math class still works. Someone should really look into getting that technology onto the roofs of houses.

91. The “calories burned” function on the treadmill could just be a random number and we would be none the wiser. The only way I can really tell that I’m getting a good workout is when I sweat so much that I can’t work the scroll wheel on my iPod.

92. I just assume that every plate is microwave-safe. I believe this will ultimately lead to my demise.

93. I thought the RSVP card my friend Kim sent with her wedding invitation was pretty creative. Instead of the usual checkboxes, the choices were in the form of Mad Libs. I especially appreciated it because I can’t go to the wedding, and I always feel rude just checking the NO box. At least now she knows I acrobatically cannot attend because I will be shaving my peanut butter.

94. My digital bathroom scale can record the results of five previous times I’ve weighed myself. The benefit is that averaging your weight over several days really provides a more accurate result – a benefit I destroy completely by only hitting Save on “light” days

95. The pedals on the exercise bike in my gym are marked Left and Right. Think about that. It’s an exercise bike. There’s no way you can get on that thing backwards.

96. Any online shopping site’s full return policy is completely moot because the odds of me repacking the box I just tore open with gusto and hauling it back to UPS are zero.

97. Why can’t the plugs for all of my electronics just have surge protectors built right in?

98. Whenever I see one of those crazy showers with like twelve nozzles, I think: I can’t wait to just waste about 500 gallons of water right now. Environment be damned; I’m about to get clean in some places I didn’t even know existed.

99. How come the GPS navigation lady only interrupts during the best parts of the song?

100. My three-year-old laptop is like a three-year-old child. If it goes too long without sleeping it gets cranky and stops cooperating.