Dad Conversations
Dad Shares Conversations With His 4 Daughters.
And They Are Hilarious.
Kids are known for being unintentionally hilarious at times. Whether it's because they don't have a complete grasp on language yet, or just because they don't fully understand the world. But in the case of James Breakwell, a comedy writer and father of three girls, it's probably because his kids have inherited the comedian gene. Breakwell, aka @XplodingUnicorn, shares the hilarious conversations he has with his daughters on Twitter every day, and they're pure gold.
Me: What did you do at school today?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
Me: What's wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
7-year-old: Love hurts.
Me: What are you doing?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She'll make a great mother.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
3-year-old: Today you can drive.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2018
Me: Well, thank you.
3: And tomorrow I can.
No deal.
5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2018
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
Me: What's it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
7-year-old: What did you do at work?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2018
Me: Work.
7: Eww.
Exactly.
3-year-old: You're strong.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2018
Me: Yeah.
3: Really strong.
Me: Definitely.
3: Almost as strong as Mom.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
Me: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.
5: I know. They're an all-day food.
Me: It snowed last night.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
Me: You're still in your pajamas.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.
[spring break]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
5-year-old: Not again.
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
Me: Why are you being mean?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.
2-year-old: *screeches*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2018
Me: What's the emergency?
2: I need cheese.
That is an emergency.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
5-year-old: Missed me.
Me: Have fun at school.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2018
7-year-old: Is that a joke?
5-year-old: There's snow on the ground.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
Me: Yeah.
5: But it’s spring break.
Me: The weather doesn't care about your schedule.
5: It should.
5-year-old: She bit my butt!
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
3-year-old: It was an accident.
Me: How do you accidentally bite someone's butt?
3: I was going for her leg.
My 2-year-old said she has poopy shoes.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
I gave her a whole pep talk on how her shoes aren’t poopy, they’re awesome.
Turns out she was saying purple.
[bedtime]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2018
3-year-old: *hands me a huge book*
Me: Want me to read some?
3: I want you to read it all?
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2018
Me: It's Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2018
7-year-old: There's no school.
7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
Me: What should she do?
7: Trust me.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.
Me: Hurry.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2018
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Me: Why?
7: Then you won't eat it.
She's my new diet plan.
5-year-old: Princess crowns are always pointy.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2018
Me: Why?
5: To stab monsters.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
My 2-year-old saw snowflakes falling today and yelled, "It's not Christmas!"
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2018
You tell 'em, kid.
7-year-old: I'm 7.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2018
5-year-old: I'm 5.
3-year-old: I'm eating.
She wins.