The biggest joke on mankind is that computers are often asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago - when I was younger and full of hope.

 Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor please."

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond, "CLOSE ENOUGH!".

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages ..... Metamucil and Ensure.

Weight loss goal: Someday I'd like to be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

Some of my friends exercise every day.  Meanwhile I am watching a show I don't really like much because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version.... it doesn't listen to anything.

I just got a present labelled, 'From Mom and Dad,' and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what's inside.

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts his sails.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator; only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace we can go when we have to stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents; I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

Exercise helps you with decision-making.  It's true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I'll never do that again.

Remember when we were little and had days of the week on our underwear? Yeah...that would be helpful now.

Live every day like someone left the gate open.